Sitting in the Adventurers Guild's most luxurious private room, Kōichi and Kazuma Satou exchanged a look. In each other's eyes, they saw the grim resolve of men bound by a life-or-death alliance.
The table was covered with Axel's finest red wines. Each bottle cost enough to make an ordinary adventurer work for half a year.
Aqua was currently holding a bottle of Snow Craft in her left hand and a bottle of Sparkling Crimson Demon in her right. Like a little mouse that had fallen into a rice bin, her face was flushed with happiness, and every so often she let out a silly giggle.
"Hehehe, good wine. Such good wine."
"Aqua-sama, here. This bottle is the oldest vintage of Tears of Eris. The name is a little annoying, but the taste is top-class."
Kōichi wore a flawless customer-service smile as he personally filled Aqua's glass.
"Exactly, exactly. Aqua, you work so hard every day, meaning you cause trouble, so drink as much as you want today! There's plenty more where that came from. We just collected the bounty, so we've got money to burn!"
Kazuma stood beside her, eagerly offering peeled fruit to go with the wine. His bootlicking attitude was almost too much to look at.
Aqua hiccuped and stared blearily at the two men who usually looked ready to stuff her into a sack and throw her away. Although the alcohol had numbed what little intelligence she normally had, her divine intuition still sensed something off.
"Hmm... Why are you two being so nice today? Don't you usually call me a useless Goddess or a money-burning machine? Could it be... you're after this Goddess's beauty? No way. Gods and mortals are forever separated, so give up!"
"Absolutely not! We simply want to express our respect for you!"
Kōichi and Kazuma shouted in unison, cold sweat running down the backs of their heads.
"Whatever! As long as there's wine, who cares! Cheers!"
Aqua boldly downed the glass in one gulp.
After three rounds, Aqua had completely entered her pre-Nature's Beauty state. She slumped limply in her chair and began rambling.
Seeing the timing was right, Kōichi gave Kazuma a look.
Kazuma quietly reached out, aiming straight for the wide sleeve of Aqua's hagoromo. Based on his observation, that damned recording crystal was tucked inside.
But just as Kazuma's fingertips were about to touch the crystal, Aqua suddenly sat up, grabbed Kazuma's arm, and burst into loud sobs.
"Waaah! Kazuma! I knew you were a good person! Even though you and Kōichi had such an intense time in bed last night, you're still willing to treat me to such expensive wine... Don't worry, I'll definitely treasure that recording. It's proof of your friendship!"
With a thud, Megumin and Darkness, who had been eavesdropping at the next table, fell straight off their chairs.
"Proof... of your friendship?" Megumin slowly stood up, her eyes glowing with a dangerous red light as she gripped her staff. "I knew something was wrong last night. Kōichi, Kazuma, what kind of friendship have you two been having behind our backs in that mansion?!"
Darkness covered her burning cheeks, her gaze completely unfocused.
"In bed... intense... Does that mean last night's Succubus was actually the two of you... together...? Waaah! This development, this moral collapse! Please, tell me every detail!"
Kōichi looked at Aqua's drunken, flushed face, then at Megumin, who was already preparing to chant Explosion Magic, and felt something snap inside his head.
Kazuma Satou, this was your plan? Get her drunk so she spills the truth? Are you trying to get us killed faster?!
Kazuma was stunned too. While desperately trying to pull his arm out of Aqua's hold, he explained to Megumin.
"It's a misunderstanding! She's just drunk and talking nonsense! Megumin, calm down and put that spark out first! It really was just an exorcism!"
"Evidence! Hand over that recording crystal!"
Megumin advanced step by step.
Aqua was still grinning foolishly and patting her chest.
"Nope! This is my... hic... retirement fund!"
"Kōichi! Cover me! Now!!!"
Kazuma Satou let out a roar that sounded ready to shatter the ceiling, filled with the madness of a man driven past despair.
Kōichi understood almost instantly.
He slammed a hand on the table, magic surging wildly through him as he thrust both hands forward.
"Breath of Wind! And... Create Earth!"
With a boom, a violent hurricane mixed with the fine sand and dust Kōichi had created on the spot erupted inside the cramped private room.
It was only a combination of two Beginner Magic spells, but with Kōichi's far-above-average intelligence behind it, it instantly produced an artificial sandstorm so thick that no one could see their hand in front of their face.
"Cough, cough! So much dust! Kōichi, you bastard, how dare you use this kind of magic inside the Guild!"
Megumin coughed repeatedly.
"Waaah! This feeling of being treated roughly... Is this the prelude?!"
Darkness let out several strange sounds from within the dust cloud, the kind that made people want to call the authorities.
In the middle of the chaos, Kazuma's right hand shot out like lightning. His five fingers spread wide, and his eyes shone with an almost sacred, sadistic light.
"Steal!!!"
A flash of white light passed.
When the dust began to clear, Kazuma had already leapt onto the windowsill like an agile monkey. In his hand, he clutched a recording crystal glowing with a faint blue light, and his face twisted into the triumphant laugh of a villain who had succeeded.
"Got it! Kōichi, run!!"
"Don't even think about escaping! Leave the evidence behind!"
Megumin wiped dirt from her face and angrily swung her staff.
"Run!"
Kōichi vaulted over the table, grabbed an unopened bottle of expensive red wine on the way, and jumped out the second-floor private room window right after Kazuma.
The two landed in a pile of grass in the alley behind the Guild. Without even bothering to brush the dirt off themselves, they broke into a full sprint through the streets of Axel.
Behind them came Darkness, chasing with a greatsword in hand and an excited look on her face, the dead-drunk Aqua shouting, "My retirement fund! Give it back!" and Megumin, who had already started chanting Explosion Magic and looked ready to blow the entire street into the sky at any moment.
"Hurry, Kazuma! Run for the city gate! It's open ground there, so Megumin won't dare cast magic recklessly!"
Kōichi ran while glancing back, just in time to see red beams of light exploding again and again right behind their heels.
The two flew down the street, cutting through crowds of stunned adventurers, and finally, panting hard, dove into a thicket outside the city walls.
After confirming that those three terrifying women had not caught up, Kazuma held the recording crystal up in front of Kōichi with trembling hands.
"Kōichi... we did it... We protected our dignity as men..."
Kazuma's eyes were wet with tears.
Kōichi took a deep breath, determination flashing in his eyes.
"Destroy it. Now. Immediately."
"Ooooh! Die, dark past!!"
Kazuma roared and clapped both hands together with all his strength.
Crack!
The recording crystal that carried every philosophical awkward moment from last night, every instant of shame, and the greatest crisis of Kōichi and Kazuma's adventuring careers shattered under their combined force. It broke into countless sparkling grains that scattered into the wind across the wilderness outside Axel.
Watching the powder drift away, Kōichi felt all the strength leave his body. He collapsed onto the ground without a shred of dignity, looked up at the blue sky and white clouds, and sighed from the bottom of his heart.
"Being alive... really is great."
Kazuma also howled toward the heavens.
"That's right! From today onward, I, Kazuma Satou, am still a pure adventurer! No one will ever tarnish my innocence!"