Anakin edged closer to Obi-Wan, really disliking the upward surge of the lift they were on. It was twice as fast as the one they rode up and down to the Jedi's quarters, and that one actually stopped for different floors. This one seemed made to service only one floor, and wherever they were going was awfully high up, as his ears had popped the same way they had when he had taken off from Tatooine.
"Don't worry, Ani," Obi-Wan said quietly, placing an arm around the boy, though since he was so much taller, it was more like he'd touched Anakin's shoulder. "We're almost there."
That statement didn't exactly bring the comfort it was supposed to, as getting off the lift meant facing the mysterious Jedi Council. Anakin gulped; that sick, nervous feeling was back, the one that coiled in the pit of his stomach whenever he was going to do something important. He'd barely been able to eat the day of the podrace, and somehow Obi-Wan seemed to understand without being told that a big morning meal would only make things worse. He'd been offered a glass of muja juice and promised a nice meal when the whole ordeal was over.
Anakin yawned, though he tried to stifle it, and caught Obi-Wan's small smile, which he tried to return. Stars, Jedi got up early. Obi-Wan had woken him before the sun was up and marched him to the 'fresher, handing him a fresh towel as well as a change of clothes, and had placed him under orders to clean up. He hadn't seen the point, as he'd taken a shower the day before, but Obi-Wan had been insistent, and he'd decided to quit arguing. He kind of did want to impress the Council, and he wouldn't get off to a very good start if he weren't squeaky clean.
He'd immerged a little while later to find Obi-Wan meditating as the sun rose, though they couldn't see it as their windows faced west, and so he sat beside the padawan, silently wondering where Qui-Gon was and trying to learn the Jedi's secret for sitting still for so long. He'd concluded that no normal person would sit like that, on their knees, for an indefinite amount of time without having some secret to keep their legs from going numb. He'd tried his best to copy Obi-Wan's pose and breathing, thinking he might discover it if he tried it, but the most that did was make him uncomfortable and sleepy, and rather sheepish when Obi-Wan cracked open an eye at him, a small grin playing over his lips.
However, the padawan hadn't laughed. In fact, he scooted until he was in front of Anakin, correcting his posture and positioning quietly, and then telling him to close his eyes and focus on the silence around him, to see if he could feel the energy that surrounded everything. Anakin did just as Obi-Wan instructed, shutting his eyes and letting his mind wander a little, imagining he could feel stuff around him instead of simply seeing it.
Suddenly he felt something surge within him and everything was there, with their presences hovering around him.
He'd jerked in surprise, startling himself out of that state of mind, but he reached for it again, feeling that same something surge in and around him. He spread out with his senses, grinning when he found that Obi-Wan was waiting for him, and somehow he knew the Jedi was smiling. He could feel that strange energy linking the two of them together, could feel it binding him with everything around him, with the entire galaxy, and once again, he felt so incredibly small.
He watched, starting a little, as his feeling of awe rippled outward, though it was strongest along the link he shared with Obi-Wan, and was returned by a warm pulse of encouragement.
So was this how Obi-Wan just seemed to know stuff without being told? Because he could keep part of himself attuned to this odd state of mind at all times?
A gentle 'yes' came from Obi-Wan and he gasped a little before deciding to test it further, to see if he could consciously send something.
Where's Qui-Gon? Is he still asleep? he tried, concentrating heavily on those thoughts, and was answered by a soft laugh.
Not so loud, came the reply, though it wasn't so much words as it was a feeling that carried that meaning. You don't have to shout your thoughts, Ani.
I wasn't sure if you'd hear, he replied, still concentrating, though not quite as strongly, and received a feeling he connected with a smile. So where is he?
He left early, so he could discuss something with the Council. We're going to meet him in a few minutes, once you have something to eat, came the response and he frowned. That was all fine and good, but how was he supposed to turn this off?
Let me help.
Once Obi-Wan had helped him back to reality, so to speak, he'd had his glass of juice, brushed his teeth, and they'd left the apartment, heading off to meet Qui-Gon. Obi-Wan hadn't warned him about the second lift, and the moment it had started moving, making him feel like he was being slammed against the floor, his nervousness had combined with lift-induced nausea and he had to fight the urge to be sick all over himself.
"And here we are," Obi-Wan said as the lift slowed and stopped, the doors sliding open with a soft chime. Anakin blinked when they stepped off it and found themselves in a rather narrow hallway, with blue-grey tiling underfoot. It was lined with narrow benches of dark wood, the cushions a complimentary pale blue, and the walls had been painted a shade lighter than the tile. Overall, it felt like the hallway was pressing down on him, and Anakin snatched up Obi-Wan's hand to keep himself from bolting.
"Master," Obi-Wan greeted, and Anakin saw Qui-Gon nod in return. He stood by the doors at the end of the hall, like some kind of sentry, and Anakin's stomach did a small flip.
"Right on time," Qui-Gon said, smiling down at Anakin, who hoped he wasn't squeezing the life out of Obi-Wan's hand. "Whenever you're ready, Ani, head through these doors. The Council is waiting for you on the other side."
Anakin glanced up sharply at that, and had the feeling that Obi-Wan had done the same.
"Master," Obi-Wan began before Anakin could put his thoughts together. "You mean we aren't going in with him?"
"We are not, padawan," Qui-Gon said with a small sigh. "The Council offered no explanation for their reasons, and for once it is not my place to question them."
Anakin felt something unspoken pass between the two of them and then Obi-Wan sighed before stepping away from him. "Very well," Obi-Wan said, though he sounded a little annoyed, and Anakin looked up at him, trying to keep his fear from showing. He knew he'd failed when Obi-Wan knelt before him, placing his hands on Anakin's shoulders.
"You'll be fine, Ani," Obi-Wan said softly. "The Council can be a little frightening, but they're good people. None of them will hurt you. Imagine you're talking to Qui-Gon or me if you ever feel uncomfortable or unsure of how to answer something. We'll be out here in the hall, waiting for you so you can tell us all about it. All right?"
"But what if they don't like me?" he whispered, and glanced up to find both Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon smiling at him.
"The Council will be fair, even if they don't like you, Ani," Qui-Gon said. "They won't let their personal feelings interfere."
He nodded, not trusting his voice to answer without coming out as a terrified squeak, and Obi-Wan pulled him in for a warm hug.
"You'll be fine," Obi-Wan whispered and pulled away, giving Anakin's hair a playful ruffle before standing.
Anakin glanced up at Qui-Gon then, who gave him a warm smile and a gentle shoulder squeeze for encouragement before sending him on his way, directing him towards the door. With every passing step Anakin felt like his heart started beating faster, drowning out the nervous gulps he mustered and making his ears pound. He finally stood before the entryway, his hand poised above the controls, and he swore his heart was beating so fast that it was going to explode.
Calm down, Ani, came the quiet thought, a gentle pulse of encouragement making him relax slightly. Remember to breathe. You can do this.
He could, he decided. He had to; he was going to be a Jedi, and that meant getting tested by the Council. After taking a deep breath and blowing it all out, he touched the button that switched on a short-range comm system.
"Yes?" croaked the tinny voice, though it still retained its depth and inflection of power, and Anakin drew another deep breath before answering.
"I'm Anakin Skywalker," he said, after pushing the button marked 'send', and felt pleased that his voice didn't shake or squeak. "I have an appointment with the Council this morning."
"Come in," the voice said, and the doors slid open. He wanted to glance at Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon, but he could feel their gazes on his back and already knew they were wishing him encouragement. He lifted his head a little, trying to project an image of confidence he couldn't quite feel, and took a few steps into the room, the door hissing shut behind him.
A tall, dark skinned man stood about a meter away, in the center of a large, circular room, and he smiled warmly when Anakin noticed him. He was dressed in robes similar to Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon, though his tunic was a soft grey, and he nodded a little in greeting.
"Anakin Skywalker, I am Mace Windu, the Senior Jedi of this Council," he said as Anakin took a few more steps forward, his gaze flicking around curiously. From what he could tell, there were twelve chairs of various size arranged around the perimeter of the room, eleven of which were occupied, and about half of the wall (the half Anakin currently faced) was one giant window that allowed a panoramic view of the surrounding city. The floor underfoot was tiled as well, the area enclosed by the chairs designed to look like a large yellow sunburst.
"Pleased to meet you," Anakin replied, striving to sound as polite as possible as he stopped just outside the circle, and bowed from the waist.
"We are pleased to meet you as well," Master Windu replied and beckoned him forward. Anakin glanced around again, realizing that the eleven other Masters were watching him with cool looks of curiosity. "Come forward and I'll explain what we're going to do today."
Anakin listened intently as Master Windu outlined the tests they'd designed, and much to his astonishment, found they were almost exactly as Obi-Wan had said. First, they would test him by having him say what images were on a datapad he couldn't see, then they would ask him a few questions, and then they were going to perform some kind of scan with the Force, one that would check for serious character flaws that could lead him over to the Dark Side.
He shivered a little at that, but agreed to all of it, and his anxiety began to fade as Master Windu took his seat, picking a datapad off it first, his brown eyes flicking back up to Anakin.
"I'm going to turn this on now, and I want you to tell me whatever you see," Master Windu said. "Don't worry about how you'll get the answers; they should come to you naturally."
Anakin nodded, watching as Master Windu's gaze dropped down to the datapad, and Anakin shut his eyes, focusing on the test. What kind of pictures where there? Would he be able to see them if he stretched out with his feelings, like earlier? Blowing out a breath, he focused his feelings on the screen Master Windu held.
Ship, something whispered.
"Ship," he repeated, and felt the image shift rapidly.
Cup, it whispered again.
"Cup," he said, feeling the image shift again.
Speeder, it murmured.
"Speeder," he replied, and when he didn't feel the image change to something different, he withdrew as Obi-Wan showed him and opened his eyes. Master Windu was watching him curiously, and he turned off the datapad before glancing at another Master, one Anakin recognized by the description Obi-Wan had given him.
He kinda does look like a troll, Anakin thought as quietly as possible, trying not to broadcast it to a room full of Jedi Masters.
"Good, young one," Master Yoda croaked as he smiled faintly, his claw like fingers interlocking with each other, and Anakin felt a rush of relief. "Now tell us, how feel you?"
How did he feel? He frowned; what kind of question was that? Too bad Obi-Wan hadn't said how they'd ask him stuff; just that they would. So maybe they had ways of reading his answers? Well, what would he say if Obi-Wan or Qui-Gon had asked him that?
"A little nervous, sir," he said, slightly irked when his voice wavered, but at least it showed he was being honest. "I've never been through a test that'll decide my future."
He watched Master Yoda smile mysteriously. "And this podrace you ran, a test that was not? Determine your future, it did."
He shrugged in a manner he hoped wasn't disrespectful. "Yes, sir, it did," he said. "But I knew what to expect with a podrace."
Master Yoda's smile widened slightly. "Never met twelve Jedi Masters, have you? Afraid, you were."
He hesitated for a moment, but nodded. If Obi-Wan knew when he was lying, and he was only a padawan, there was no way he could fool twelve Masters. "Yes, sir. I was afraid of messing up."
"And you aren't any more?" a third Master said, and Anakin glanced at him. He was an almost Human looking alien, with a rather large, oddly shaped skull and a white goatee, with a single bunch of white hair falling from the top of his head. He studied Anakin curiously, lacing his fingers together much as Master Yoda had done, and he tilted his head to one side as he waited for an answer.
"I still am, sir," Anakin said, swallowing. "But not as much. I'm trying to keep calm."
He watched a bushy white eyebrow rise at that response. "What else are you afraid of, young Skywalker?" he asked, and Anakin looked away as he thought.
What else was he afraid of? "Failing this test," he said instantly. "I'd really like to be a Jedi."
"And why do you wish to become a Jedi?" Master Windu asked. "It is a difficult life."
Anakin thought briefly of his conversation with Obi-Wan, and before he could stop himself, the question he'd asked then popped from his mouth. "But is it enough to make you stop being one?" he asked, watching Master Windu blink a little in surprise.
"For some," Master Yoda said, his small smile still present. "The path for all, it is not. All ties with your old life, severed must be."
His mind flashed to his mother before he could stop it, part of him wondering if he'd have to leave her behind completely.
"Yes," the third Master said and Anakin winced inwardly. Seems he'd been right about that broadcasting thing. "I'm afraid you would, young Skywalker. Jedi must have a very deep commitment to the Order and external attachments are forbidden."
Anakin stood quietly for a moment, thinking that part over, a part of him sinking. He could deal with leaving behind most of the stuff from his life on Tatooine; he hadn't cared for that planet much anyway. Could he really leave behind his mother, though? Could he really just let her continue to be a slave, while he ran around, freed by a twist of fate? Yes, she had told him not to look back, and yes, he did want to be a Jedi, but was being forced to forget about his mother too great a price to pay?
"Hm," Master Yoda murmured, his green eyes narrowing slightly. "Turn towards your mother, your thoughts do."
"Yes, sir," he whispered. "I miss her."
"Afraid for her, you are," Master Yoda continued and Anakin glanced at him before nodding.
"I had a nightmare about her, one O- I mean, Padawan Kenobi said could've been a vision," he said. "She died because I couldn't get to her in time."
"Difficult to tell, the future is," Master Yoda replied, and Anakin was hit with Obi-Wan's voice during the night when they'd first met, when he'd done an impersonation of the Jedi in front of him, and Anakin clamped down on the laugh that threatened to escape. "Always in motion, it is. Told you this, Padawan Kenobi did?"
Anakin nodded slightly, hoping he hadn't landed Obi-Wan in some kind of trouble with the Council. "He said I shouldn't worry about it, because I had no way of knowing whether or not it would come true," he said, watching Master Yoda smile a little. "He said that the vision could come true because I'd tried to prevent it or didn't do anything about it, so it was better to let it go, which is what I've been trying to do."
"Even though you might lose her if you don't try to stop it?" the third Master asked curiously, and Anakin felt another conversation with Obi-Wan come up, when he'd asked the very same thing after another one of his nightmares.
"If the vision comes again, I'll do my best to look at it from every angle. Maybe she's supposed to die," he said quietly, trying to keep the pang of sadness from registering. "I used to podrace, and people would die in that all the time, so I know how short life can be. Yes, I am afraid to lose her, and I'll be sad when she dies." Even a Jedi would be sad, part of him whispered, thinking of the dream he'd had last night, and he suppressed the surge of empathy he felt for Obi-Wan. "But I also promised her that I wouldn't look back, so I've been trying my hardest not to."
A memory from the night before rose to mind then, of Qui-Gon telling embarrassing story after embarrassing story of Obi-Wan when he wasn't much older than Anakin. Obi-Wan's smile appeared as well, his blue-green eyes glinting mischievously as they cooked together and then as he helped Anakin with one of the models. If becoming a Jedi meant he could stay with them, he thought, not looking back might not be too hard. They weren't quite the same as his mother, of course, but deep down he knew it wouldn't take long before being with them felt like home.
"Hm," Master Yoda murmured again. "Fear, I sense, and a strong bond as well. Formed, it has, with Qui-Gon and his apprentice. Helping you to conquer your fear it is."
Anakin blinked at that, and he thought he saw Master Windu do so as well. "They have been watching out for me, sir," he said, part of him hoping that the Council wouldn't yell at Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. Surely they hadn't meant for anything to form…
"Interesting," Master Yoda said, his head bobbing a little as he considered something. "Very interesting, this is."
"Young Skywalker," Master Windu said then, drawing his attention, and Anakin swore he saw a flash of regret on the Master's face. "I believe it is time to move on to the final part of this interview. Are you ready?"
Ah yes, the scan. Part of him gulped, his anxiety returning in full force, and he drew several deep breaths as he worked to shove it back down. "What do I need to do?"
"Just relax," Master Windu said. "With your permission, I'd like to take a look inside your mind. But before I can begin, you must trust me and calm yourself. This will lower your natural mental shielding."
Take a look inside his mind? Part of him became extremely uneasy; what if they found something he considered to be nothing and used it as a reason not to train him? But, another part of him reasoned, wasn't that the point of such a scan? And couldn't the opposite be true as well, that they'd look at him and decide that his flaws weren't big enough to be a problem? Consider both sides; that's what Obi-Wan said Jedi do. Sure, he didn't really want someone poking around in his head, but he could also see the reason why they were doing it in the first place. Why would they want to give training to someone who would more than likely turn on them?
"Will it hurt?" he asked at last, frowning.
"It will be uncomfortable, as you'll have a foreign presence looking over your memories, but it shouldn't hurt as long as you relax," Master Windu said. "You won't have all twelve of us doing it; only me. The others will be looking through me by sensing whatever I glean from your mind."
"So you're sort of like a window," he mused, but then sighed a little and lifted his head. "I understand, and you have my permission. I'll do my best to relax."
He caught Master Yoda's pleased smile as he shut his eyes, thinking of things that made him calm down. Tinkering certainly relaxed him, as did his mother's singing voice, and Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, for that matter. The young Jedi seemed to know just want to say to calm his fears while the Master just radiated peace and tranquility. Swimming had been-
Someone was there.
His body jerked slightly as he fought his initial panic, his gut churning at the strange sensation of having someone actually in his mind, and he clenched his teeth, repeating to himself that it was just Master Windu, who wasn't trying to hurt him. Obi-Wan had said that the Council could be trusted, and they had said this would be uncomfortable, but he had to relax, unless he wanted it to get painful Plus it wasn't going to help them get out of his head any quicker if he struggled.
The feeling was getting worse, his skin crawling as he fought to keep still. Maybe he wasn't relaxed enough; but how could he relax, part of him wondered, when he kept feeling like he was going to be sick? He tried taking deep breaths, to expel any anxiety that cropped up, tried repeating that the Council wasn't out to hurt him, they were just doing what they had to do to-
It was poking through his memories.
The memory from the day before rose first, where he'd tried to hurt the boy for hurting a defenseless creature, along with the sheer anger he felt because of it. He tried to show how he'd calmed down afterwards, how he'd promised never to-
A podrace popped up then, one of his earlier ones where he'd tried to ram Sebulba off the track with a particularly nasty flash of anger-
Another fight came to mind, one where some other slave had stupidly insulted his mother, and though he'd been half the size of the kid, he'd attacked him out of rage-
It was digging deeper, turning over each and every memory he possessed, and the more he fought to remain calm, to keep himself from panicking and causing problems, the harder it grew. He felt like someone was tearing at his mind, sinking their claws into him and yanking out what they wanted to see.
...no no no no no no no no no...
Another memory popped up, one where he'd been very young and trying to get some extra rations for his sick friend, and had been beaten because of it. That day, it had finally clicked that being a slave meant people didn't see you as a person; they justified their disgusting cruelty by refusing to relate the two terms, and he had seethedwith the injustice of it all-
Calm down, he told himself. It wouldn't be much longer until it finished poking around; he just had to tough it out until then. He'd lasted this far. What he needed to do was focus on something else, like-
He was racing again, laughing with glee as he watched Sebulba's pod crash, part of him hoping that the Dug had been either seriously wounded or killed-
No, he told himself, he was sitting at home with his mother, tinkering on Threepio. He'd managed to wrangle some casings from Watto, so the protocol droid didn't have to feel so naked any more, and once he finished fine-tuning some of the more sensitive mechanisms, he'd put it on-
He was fighting another slave again, this time because the idiot had tried to cheat him and his mother out of their rations for the week, slamming his fists against the other's bloodied face because of the anger raging-
Stop, he ordered himself, when panic began to rise up in him. He just had to go with it, to let his mind wander-
But it hurt.
Part of him was shrieking in pain, and he clamped down on it, struggling with the growing urge that wanted to toss the stranger out of his mind, that wanted to hurt the thing that dared invade, but his will was winning out. He knew these people weren't going to hurt him, and Obi-Wan had said that Jedi act calmly, not violently, so he had to react like that. He couldn't start attacking something that he'd given permission to-
He was tinkering, but it wasn't going well, and a tool slipped from his hand and landed on his foot. He swore loudly, kicking the tool with his other foot because he'd been angry-
Wasn't it finished yet? What was taking it so long? It was getting harder and harder to soothe the raging tide of fear that rose up inside him, especially when the being started poking through more and more sensitive memories, ones that Anakin treasured or hid because he was ashamed of them.
Calm, he ordered himself, feeling a touch of panic despite his best efforts not to. Think of something else. Think… think of what Obi-Wan would do if he were in this situation. How would he respond? He'd control himself and-
Anakin jerked a little when it touched a particularly painful memory, lingering on it and analyzing it, but he was successfully able to ignore it, forcing his thoughts back to something less painful. He was sitting at the dining table with Obi-Wan, trying to fit together pieces for the model, with Qui-Gon looking on occasionally, smiling when they successfully completed another section. The atmosphere was cozy, the sunset casting the room in a brilliant gold light-
Think of that model you're building with Obi-Wan, he told himself, once again succeeding in ignoring the being as it analyzed another painful memory. He asked you if you wanted to paint it, promising to take you out to buy some if you did. So what color do you want-
Then the being poked too far in, brushing up against his inner-most mind, and Anakin couldn't hold down the pain any longer. Any control he might've regained was shattered when it surged through his body, completely driving out the foreign mind…
And he screamed.