I was in my room, headphones on but I really wasn't paying much attention to the music. I was lost, lost in a world I left long ago. Seventeen years had gone by. Seventeen years I spent running away, pretending, deceiving, hiding and all that left is a shallow person. At times I feel hollow, at times I feel fullfiled. I have a family, a really nice family one that loves me deeply. But it's not me they love it's probably just the person I pretend to be that they love and care about. I sit with them, talk with them, laugh with them, but yet at times I feel disconnected, like the world they live in and the one I live in are far apart. They want to know more about me, but I don't want to tell. How can they care about me after knowing my reality? But am I not lucky enough to have them! Why do I strive for more? It's like there is something missing in me. Is it the ability to be free of all the regrets and burdens I carry? But how can I be free? The ones who died because of me haunt me in my dreams! Or is it just my regrets haunting me? I look at myself but I can't look to long. It feels painful somehow. I fear looking at my own reflection, partly because I don't wanna see what I have become partly because I don't wanna know what I'll become. At times I have this sick, sinking feeling in my gut like I know deep down I don't belong here. Partly because I know that I can hurt people. I feel like I am falling apart. Like the only thing that keeps me going is... fear of restarting again. I never feared death and even now it's not death I fear it's what comes after it, rebirth. I am scared to leave so many behind and I fear to forge bonds again. At times I feel like me being here is a mistake, at times I feel like it's a boon, at times it feel like it's another chance, at times it feels it's a curse. I really can't tell, maybe I'll know on my second death bed. Sometimes I just wanna disappear. Disappear into thin air. Disappear so no one could find me. Erased from everyone's memories. No matter where I am, how I am, what I am, there is this one constant unwavering feeling 'Sometimes I just want to disappear.'
"Hey Chandni! Have you seen my bike keys?" Asked my big bro
"Yeah they were on the table."
"Oh okay."
It was another Thursday and he was going to the orphanage like usual. He is an angel he tries helping others that too without willing for something in return. Others would post about it, but he hides it even from his family. Such a pure soul.
I went in the kitchen and looked at my mother pouring milk in a container to feed a stray cat.
I can't believe I live in such a house. I call these really nice people my family. And then there's me the darkness, it's like I have no purpose, like I am just a boat lost in a sea, it has no sailor no crew to guide it. It drifts in the direction of the wind, drifts back when the wind changes its course, it flows with the waves and comes back with them. No body notices this lost boat it just keeps moving yet it returns to where it stood. Such a meaningless existence this is. Such a meaningless life. Such a meaning less person I am.
***************
It was the next day I went to pick up Chandresh. We started walking he was giggling like usual talking about something Siddhi said.
"You know what?"
"What?"
"My sister's exams are starting the next to next week and she wouldn't" then he giggled "she wouldn't stop pulling her hair and tearing pages after pages from her copy, she is really bad in Phy..jikcch.."
"Physics."
"Same thing!"
"Oh I can help her."
"But aren't you like bad too?"
"No I'm not! Who told you that?"
"I just thought."
"You little!"
Hence, it was four o'clock and I was helping Vaishnavi with Physics. Not a bad deal, she wasn't really a genius or a fast learner. But I could tell that she was trying.
"So why can't we use that formula?"
"Because even if you do try applying it there are too many unknowns."
"Oh okay.... I see what your talking about!"
Poor Vaishnavi Physics can be really tough I do agree. She was working on problem after problem. But there was a little problem, she wasn't getting the answers right. Happens, not a big deal. Besides not like I have anything else to do.
"Is the answer -144/29?"
"No it's just -144."
"Ahh... I can't do this anymore."
"Come on you are getting closer to the answer."
Just then her phone buzzed. She glanced at the notification.
"At least I am not the only one struggling! My bestie is even bad at Physics then me."
"I can help her too."
"You really don't have to."
"Don't worry there is nothing else I would rather do."
"Uhmm... still I am already disturbing you."
"Come on call her already it's really not that big of a deal."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah I'm sure."
"I'll text her."
She sent her our location. The girl texted back that she will be there in a while. Then we proceeded solving the question. I was explaining the problem step by step. And finally something clicked in her brain. Then she solved the rest of the problem correctly! I feel so proud for some reason.
Chandresh was also there in the living room, we walked in the room, glanced in.
"So is something going through your stupid brain."
"Chandresh next time I will not be taking you to the bathroom at night."
"No!"
It was hilarious to see the smug grin wash off his little face. Just then the doorbell rang. It must be Vaishnavi's friend. I opened the door.
"It's her, my friend." Said Vaishnavi
But I was not really listening. I stared at her and she stared at me, we were totally in shock. She was the girl from the bookstore!