We finally finished our supper. It was a Friday night. And just like any other Friday night we sat down to have some family time.
"Hey, let's play chess today." I suggested
So I was ready to play against Papa. We started setting our peices on the board. Slowly the game began. By the way I am really good at chess but I pretend to be bad at it. I dunno it's just more fun that way.
I made some pretty dumb moves and like usual my uncle jumped in to assist me in defeating his eternal rival. This has always been a thing when I start losing he always jumps in.
Papa and uncle are not like Mummy and Aunt. They don't directly tell you that they love you and that you are their little baby girl. Instead it's in these small moments that they showcase their love towards you.
They come home tired from the long day at work yet they spare time for us. Just to make us happy. They might not show it directly but all of us know how deeply they care about us. It's in these small and almost invisible moments that they show how deeply they care about us.
I made a pretty dumb move obviously on purpose. I was gonna lose my knight. Papa definately noticed it but spared my knight. It's so sweet!
I am not exactly as close to him as I am to Mummy but if I know something, it's that a bond between a child and their parent varies. Your mother cares about you as a result she scolds you, she knows a ton about your life and has a maternal instinct that can tell if something is wrong. Whereas your father is the fun parent, they don't know much about your life but they know what you like and what you don't and they try to bring as much of the things you like as possible.
In the end I won but actually it was my uncle who won and Papa who let me. Then we had our usual talk about school and our parent's hilarious school days.
It was night and we all went to sleep. I was lying in my awfully cozy bed thinking about how much different both of my lives are. It is almost fascinating that how much circumstances and your surrondings can change your view of the world. Before I had known it I was asleep.
I had a really peaceful sleep something I earlier craved for. It has been almost a week from my performance and ever since it my sleep schedule has improved.
I rember years ago when I was thirteen in my previous life I was scared from falling asleep. As I would see nightmares, nightmares that would haunt me for days. My sleep had become so irregular that I was sometimes running on one or two hours of sleep whole day. I remember being just six when I saw my first nightmare, I was so scared. Even now remembering that day gave me goosebumps.
By the way it was four in the morning. I wake up pretty early. It's been a habit. I took a shower then got dressed, cleaned the house. Studied for a while then started preparing breakfast.
I was almost done cooking when my aunt woke up. She was not exactly shocked to see me up so early. She started scolding me for waking up so early despite sleeping late. She lectures me about the importance of sleep.
I was nodding along like I actually cared. It's sweet to have two mothers (my mummy and my aunt). In my previous life I lost my mother when I was an infant. It feels really nice to have two now.
Soon Mummy woke up. So did my grandma followed by my grandpa. An hour or two later papa and uncle came out of their rooms. Well, my brothers aren't exactly early birds. It was at ten thirty that my brother Kush stumbled into the kitchen half awake half asleep. He bumped into the dinning table then started muttering under his breath. It was eleven and Moksh was still not ready to get up. Aunt literally dragged him out of his bed.
Everyone had breakfast and then started discussing plans for the day. Big bro mentioned going to a movie with his friends but I know he was going to the orphanage to surprise a kid with cake on his birthday, I saw the receipt of the cake the cake he was supposed to pick today. Moksh's plan like usual was to just chill out. Papa mentioned visiting his friend.
I looked around the table. Saw these incredible people all sitting around me, talking to me. I looked at these people who not only called me family but believed it. Then on the clean polished table's surface I saw my own face. What I saw was not only a face but one hiding behind a mask. I once again looked at their faces seeing how I was fooling them pretending in front of them. That realisation hit me maybe I was better off pretending. Will they really accept that their sweet little daughter was actually deceiving them? That she is actually a blood stained assasin? Would they accept me as a part of their family? I mean why would they? They really shouldn't. It's just wrong I don't deserve happiness. I will wind up hurting them no matter how much I try to deceive them or deceive myself I can't run away from my truth, my sins. And till I don't atone I can't show them who I truly am. Maybe I am being selfish by faking. And I don't get to be selfish after how selfishly I acted in the past. I am wrong and I know that. Yet, I can't bring myself to tell them the truth after looking that their sweet faces and after knowing how deeply they care about me, after tricking them for so long how do I tell them the truth?
I am a curse and will always be. Sometimes I just wanna disappear. Disappear into thin air. Disappear so no one could find me. Erased from everyone's memories. No matter where I am, how I am, what I am, there is this one constant unwavering feeling 'Sometimes I just want to disappear.'