44. "ADDICTION"
Everyday is a relapse, I always say I'll try to do better the next day and then I do it all over again. It numbs me, even though it drains me out but in the moment, it feels so damn good. The hardest thing to quit is probably the baddest thing for your own good.
I'm just addicted to the way it makes me feel, to what I see when I'm indulging in it and even though I know that it could be detrimental to me, I can't stop doing it. Every night, early mornings and in the middle of days, it feels so damn good in the moment but I'm at a breaking point now.
I swear that tomorrow I'll do better and I keep that same energy for the rest of the day, until tomorrow finallly comes. I get withdrawals, my thoughts get blocked into it and my actions get slow, everything convinces me that it's the best thing to do.
It's addiction..
45. "NOTHING FEELS THE SAME"
I can't hear music anymore, I don't get excited anymore, my hair and my body has turned into the least of my worries. It hit me last night, the nigga that I used to be may never come back because that was all before, I never thought I would lose myself but here we are, all I had to do was to fall in love.
I don't write about making love anymore, I don't bring my thoughts and emotions close to the L-word, it's in my best interest. The world we're living in is getting too heavy on my heart, all I wanted was to live in love, I fell in love so deeply and utterly, and now I'm constantly fighting against my own heart.
Nothing feels the same anymore. Pain is creating a cold hearted monster in me, I live alone and suffer the consequences of my decisions all by myself because I'm trying to learn how to live without the person that I love.
And it's getting heavy every day.