My life has been series of 'he has to be like this.'
It was almost as if my life had been carved out for me and what was left was for me to life as I should.
What I wanted wasn't spared a thought.
'Sehyun's going to be a medical practioner one day.'
'sports aren't it for you, Sehyun lacks the stamina.'
'Stop wasting your time fiddling with that broken camera, practice maths during your free time."
I was brought up to be a hub of many opportunities, anything was meant to be possible once my 'mind' was set on it regardless of whether it was what I actually wanted.
Most importantly, I wasn't even allowed to think of anything that would tarnish my 'public' image.
'Sehyun has always been a lovely kid from birth, you have to remain that way no matter what.'
'Their eyes are always envious whenever I speak of you, it has to remain that way.'
I still remember the look in my father's eyes as he continued. "You have to remain pure for the world."
A look that came no where close to how a father looked at his only child rather it was as if I were nothing more than a tool to him— an object to further polish his public image.
My mother?
No different.
On the outside, it seemed as if she cared a bit more than my father did but perhaps she was even worse.
Her club mattered more than a child she conceived after seven years of marriage. 'Minhee's daughter has grown to be very beautiful, in the future both of you should remain in contact.'
It was laughable how ironic my life was compared to those dramas where the only child of the family are considered gems whereas I was merely a signpost. Used to advertise how lucky my parents were to have birthed me.
The only time I'd ever felt myself was when I'd taken a picture of a random boy I found attractive.
He was seated underneath a withering tree, it's golden leaves petaled downwards towards him as if magneted to his charming frame. His eyes were inclined downwards immersed in the book he held between his fingers.
To others it might have been just a normal sight however for me, it felt like I'd witnessed something completely different from what my eyes had grown accustomed to.
Something outside what was carved out for me.
A different kind of beautiful.
My fingers had moved before I'd realized and that one click changed my perception about how I saw myself.
The burst of flutters I felt while gazing at his picture was everything I need to realize I was different.
Different from what they expected from me; from what they needed me to be—what they wanted to carve me to be.
The pictures became constant—of different boys I found attractive. Overtime, I grew bolder, a photo from afar didn't seem to justify how attractive they were hence I began taking closeup pictures even though I didn't get their consent.
Cause I was scared of being told I need to act like I should. Scared of being rejected for being who I wanted to be. Who I truly was—someone different from the image they had carved up in their heads.
Things ended up south once my father found out about my scandalous deeds.
I'd just taken pictures, yet I'd dragged the family name deep in the mud. I was still discovering who Lee Sehyun was aside from what I was to the world but I was already branded a shame.
I realized painfully that perhaps the version of me the world wanted was who I actually was.
Hence, I threw aside the thrill and excitement I felt while being someone the world condemned.
Shoved it into the darkest parts of my head refusing to let them resurface.
Until, Sensei said those words.
'Because, just like this beautiful scenery, Sehyun as always been untainted to me.'
'So, don't compromise. They are free to think whatever. What really matters is how Sehyun sees himself…'
I had never felt so seen and understood untill then. What Sensei said weren't just words, to me they were what I needed.
Strength.
**
"The tracks have been properly drawn, practice should be a bit easier with a replica of how the field is going to look like that day."Sensei began.
I had no idea how he'd done it but a mini track field had been drawn outside the gates of my house covering exacting one hundred meters.
"You'd need to ensure you remain within the white lines, don't over exert yourself at the beginning. Take it slow, then pick up pace later. A pace you're comfortable with." He added crouching down to fix my undone shoelace.
In this world, Sensei understood me best.
He gazed up at me, the sunlight making his glasses emit a soft glow. "The assistant offer still stands…" he interjects with a playful grin.
I half grinned. "I'm declining."
I had made my decision once I marked my answer. I was going to carve out my own life. One that Sensei was a part of.
"Since you're so adamant, I guess I'll give up on this." He said standing up the sparkle of mischief lingering. He leaned closer adding lowly. "For now."
My gaze avoid his, my cheeks burning slightly. "S-Sensei needs to stop messing around. I'll begin practice now." I said trying to sound serious despite the fact I was secretly delighted to hear such words escape Sensei's lips.
He adjusted the timer in his hand and said after while. "Okay, the timer's set."
I counted down inwardly and took to my heels, my oversized shirt swaying with the wind as I pressed onward.
The first, second, third till fifth. "10 minutes 39.5 seconds." Not one minute less.
By the time I returned the sixth time, I was barely able to remain on my feet. I crashed on the ground gasping for air.
My purple shirt had become soaked with sweat, my hair stuck to my now slick forehead. I gaze up at the blue sky.
"Perhaps sports truly isn't it for me." I let out a sigh exhausted.
"Perhaps Sehyun needs a little push." I hear Sensei cut in above me.
My lids flutter close unable remain apart. "What more push?" I ask tiredly my bones crying for rest in their sockets.
I heard silence, followed by shuffling then the feel of a hand running over my abdomen slipping underneath my slightly damp shirt with seasoned movements. A soft purr rolls from my lips as Sensei's cold hand roam over my burning skin.
Then it occured to me almost immediately—We were outside.
My eyes snap open. Sensei had towered over me, a faint smirk on his lips. One I could vaguely mark as desire. It was something else—something that spoke of danger.
I swallowed. "Sensei what…" I trail off once I heard how gruff my voice was. This was terrible, sensei wasn't possibly thinking of doing it out here was he?
"In situations like this, a measure has to be taken to get expected results." He continued in a serious tone. One too serious given our current position.
"W-what kind of measure?"
Sensei's hand slip out from my shirt moving to caress my cheek while his other supported his posture. I lean into his touches, craving more.
He pressed closer—so close I could feel his breath fan my skin. "a reward."
I shuddered involuntarily. "What kind of reward?" I question trying hard to push back the kind of rewards I'd contorted in my head.
Sensei presses a kiss on my neck, just right where it meets the shoulder. I can't hold back the soft gasp that escapes me. My hand grips his shoulder. Wanting more—craving more.
Sensei gives a chuckle satisfied by my reaction to him. "Exactly what Sehyun has in mind."