You know, often times I miss you so much, it's almost as if I know my soul craves you. My biggest fear would probably be you leaving me. I think I've said it before so many times, but it's the truth. Imagine I give you everything I have and I get left behind cruelly because I've put everything I could into you. That would break me, or you finding someone else and deceiving me. I would want to die. Perhaps want to take the life of Apa because my soul would be ripped out. I am so obsessive, and it's crazy, but I am very in love with you.
I truly care about you, in so many ways I cannot explain. My forehead hurts sometimes when I don't spend my time with you. You led me to believe you were very obsessive at the start, and I'm a bit sometimes when I don't see it either. Perhaps while I am writing this chapter, I feel a bit sad.
Trust, right? Well, trust for me is hard. I think I told you before. Within the confines we conversed, I feel as if sometimes trauma crawls back into my mind. The thought of you doing something behind my back never seems to leave. The thought of deceiving me sometimes remains, and the only remedy is spending more time with you. I know it's boring sometimes, and I definitely cannot offer you everything I can, but I feel as if... I am worthless, you know?
I don't have friends and I don't have the ability to live as I want. I just have you, and spilling ink is the only thing I can do to express myself. It's as if I myself cannot be able to do anything but write because I cannot talk.
About talking, though, I'm very bad at it, especially when I feel something that resembles negativity. My emotions spiral out of control and get amplified in the thousands. If I am happy, I will express it so high that I could embody gods of joy. If I am sad, only suicide strings remain. If I am angry, I hate everything. If I feel lonely, I feel so lonely that I cannot feel anything else but pressure.
Talking is so hard, but maybe this slice of paper might help. I just hate seeing you away. I feel so fucking worthless and disgusted by myself for who I am. For only the little I could do. I don't want to lose you. I wish I could ingrain that into something.
I want a day together so bad right now...
A room in the morning, sun-filled windows, white bedsheets, a clean room.
And you by my side. I would like to kiss you as soon as you wake up. I would want to feel your morning breath. I want to graze my hand upon your cheek and make you feel important. I want us to feel like we are the only ones in this world, just loving each other, as soon as we wake up.
I want to have the sunniest eggs with the crispiest bacon. Seeing you drink orange juice and feeling your vibrato timbre in my soul. I need to see you dress up and to possibly pick your clothes. I need to see you off from work and shower you with kissies, knowing damn well I'll miss you as soon as you step out of the house.
I need to be your cute housewife, cleaning all day, making food for you all day, taking care of everything so by the time you come back home, you can just relax and unwind.
I want to make you feel like you are on top of the tippity tip of the whole wide world. I want to be able to indulge in eating ice cream while on the sofa and flirting and giving you blowjobs just 'cause I feel like it.
I hate being difficult, but I want to just have you.
Can we just be in our PJs and slap my ass while we spend all day locked up in the house?
Can't we just fuck like rabbits all day and not give a shit about everything and everyone else?
I am a misanthrope. I think you know that pretty well. I genuinely hate everyone. I don't hate you. I love you. I'm difficult, but I just want to express more love than everyone ever could. Just me loving you and you loving me, beyond forever.
I'm tired of being alone. I just want you, and I love you.