Shadow Palace - Throne Room
Current Activity: Attempted Murder by Dictionary
The devil Zagred floated in the air, his dark aura polluting the room. He had just commanded the bald human to die.
The bald human was picking a piece of dried squid out of his teeth.
"You..." Zagred's eyes narrowed, his slit pupils trembling. "Why do you not crumble? I spoke the command. Die."
Saitama flicked the squid bit away.
"I heard you," Saitama said. "You said 'Die.' That's not very nice. Also, your voice is echoing. Bad acoustics in here."
Zagred felt a sensation he hadn't experienced in millennia: Confusion. His Word Soul Magic (Kotodama) was absolute. It bent reality to his will.
"Perhaps the concept was too broad," Zagred muttered. He opened his grimoire—a twisted, five-leaf clover monstrosity. "Specifics, then."
He pointed a finger at Saitama.
"BURNING HELLFIRE."
Purple flames, hotter than magma, erupted from empty space. They engulfed Saitama instantly. The heat melted the stone floor into glass. Sally screamed and hid behind a pillar, shielding her face from the radiation.
"Hehe..." Zagred laughed. "Burn to ash, pitiful anomaly."
The fire roared. Then, it started to patter out.
Not because of magic. Because someone was waving their hand.
Woosh. Woosh.
Saitama stood in the middle of the inferno, fanning the flames away like he was clearing smoke from a burnt toaster.
"Little hot," Saitama commented. "Is the AC broken?"
Zagred froze.
"CRUSH."
Gravity slammed down. A cube of high-pressure air slammed onto Saitama.
Saitama just shrugged, cracking his neck. "Stiff shoulders. That actually feels kinda good. Like a deep tissue massage. Do the lower back next."
Zagred started to sweat. Do devils sweat? He was finding out.
"VACUUM. LIGHTNING. BLADES. ROT."
Words flew out of his mouth like machine-gun fire.
Saitama just stood there.
He yawned during the vacuum.
He blinked at the lightning.
He used a summoned blade to scratch an itch on his leg.
"Are you done?" Saitama asked, checking his watch (which was broken). "I told you. I'm here for the rock."
He pointed at the magic stone still clutched in Zagred's claw.
"The shiny thing. Hand it over. I have to pay Julius before he turns into a baby or whatever."
Zagred clutched the stone. This human... this thing... treated the source of infinite evil like a pawn shop trinket.
"This is the key to the Underworld!" Zagred roared, his composure cracking. "It summons the worms of the abyss! It opens the path to—"
"I don't care," Saitama stepped forward.
"STOP."
Saitama took a step.
"I SAID STOP."
Saitama took another step.
"HALT! FREEZE! CEASE!"
Saitama walked right up to the hovering devil. The magic commands shattered against his bald head like soap bubbles.
"You talk too much," Saitama said.
The Entrance
CRASH.
The ceiling collapsed.
Asta and Yuno dropped in, weapons drawn. They were followed by Mimosa and a confused Patry (the Elf Leader, who was actually still conscious after the punch, having just landed back from orbit—Wait, no, Patry is gone. This is Licht. The real Licht. One of the quiet ones).
"DEVIL!" Asta screamed, black wing flared. "WE'RE HERE TO—eh?"
They stopped.
They saw the terrifying devil Zagred backing away into a corner.
And they saw Saitama, covered in squid crumbs and dust, poking the devil in the chest.
"Give. Me. The. Rock."
"Get away from me!" Zagred hissed, backing up. "WALL OF SPIKES!"
Spikes grew from his chest. Saitama broke them with his pinky.
"Asta!" Yuno gasped. "Is... is the Devil running away from him?"
"He's bullying the devil," Sally whispered, popping out from behind her pillar, scribbling notes madly. "Specimen S resists verbal reality manipulation via sheer stubbornness! Scientific breakthrough!"
Asta's brain short-circuited. "Master Saitama! Be careful! That guy uses magic words! He can make things happen just by saying them!"
Saitama glanced back. "Oh, Asta. You're here. This guy is stingy. He won't share the loot."
Zagred seized the moment. The distraction.
"You want the stone?" Zagred smiled. It was ugly. "Then take it!"
He didn't hand it over.
He shoved the magic stone into his own chest.
SQUELCH.
Dark mana exploded. The stone fused with his heart. Zagred began to morph. His humanoid shape cracked, expanding into a monstrosity of slime, mouths, and tentacles.
"FULL MANIFESTATION."
The voice changed. It became deeper. Layered. It shook the foundation of the palace.
"I AM NOW ETERNAL. I AM THE VOID MADE FLESH."
Zagred grew huge. Massive mouths opened all over his body. A trident of warped reality materialized in his hand.
"NOW," Zagred pointed the trident at Saitama. "DESPAIR."
A beam of black sludge—Substance of the Underworld—fired. This wasn't magic. It was physical "Death" that ate mana and life.
Asta panicked. "Move! That black stuff eats everything!"
Saitama didn't move. He looked at the stone buried in the monster's chest.
"You ate it," Saitama noted. "Gross. Now I have to dig it out."
The beam hit Saitama.
It washed over him. The black sludge that could dissolve spirits... slid off his shiny suit.
"Grease stain," Saitama noted, wiping his chest. "Genos isn't gonna like cleaning this."
Zagred stared. The mouths all over his body hung open.
"Why... why won't you die?!"
Saitama looked up. The "Bored Face" disappeared.
He inhaled.
The air in the Throne Room vanished into his lungs. The torches flickered out. The sound dampening was instant.
"You're loud," Saitama said softly.
He raised a gloved hand to his lips. One finger.
"Serious Series."
He didn't punch.
He hissed.
"Serious Shush."
SHHHHHHHHHH.
It wasn't a normal "shh."
It was a sonic weapon.
Saitama expelled the air from his lungs at supersonic velocity through the gap in his teeth, aimed directly at Zagred.
The sound wave was a focused lance of decibels.
BOOOM.
The air in front of Saitama shattered.
Zagred's Word Magic—which relied on sound—met a sound that broke physics.
The shockwave hit Zagred's mouth.
The mouth disintegrated.
Zagred's teeth, tongue, and throat were vaporized by the sheer wind pressure of the "Shush." The blast traveled through him, blowing a tunnel through the Shadow Palace, exiting the dimension, and dispersing clouds in the real world.
Zagred couldn't speak. He couldn't command. He just gargled, his lower face gone.
Gurgle... hack...
The massive devil stumbled back, clutching his missing jaw. The magic trident clattered to the floor.
Saitama stood there, finger still on his lips.
"Quiet," Saitama whispered. "This is a library. Sort of. It has books."
Asta dropped his sword.
Yuno forgot to float and hit the ground.
Licht's eyes were wide saucers.
"He silenced the Word Devil," Licht whispered. "With a shush."
Enter the Metal Demon
Before the silence could settle, the wall to the left exploded.
A metal fist the size of a truck punched through the obsidian.
"MASTER!"
Genos broke into the room. He was twelve feet tall, covered in gears, pipes, and stone plating from the castle walls. He looked like a steampunk Gundam.
"I detected a massive sonic disturbance!" Genos announced, his voice booming from speakers on his shoulders. "Threat assessment?"
Saitama pointed at the gargling devil. "That guy ate my rock. And he won't shut up. Well, he stopped now."
Genos scanned Zagred.
"Target: Devil. Composition: Dark Mana/Bio-Slime. Recommendation: Sanitization."
Genos's mechanical back cracked open. Dozens of missile pods (crafted from Sally's lab equipment he found earlier) emerged.
"Cover fire!" Genos ordered the dumbstruck mages. "Engaging hostile!"
Scene: The Beatdown
What followed wasn't a battle. It was bullying.
Zagred, unable to speak, tried to attack with physical tentacles. Asta cut them. Yuno blasted them with wind.
Genos unleashed a barrage of mana-infused missiles that blew chunks off the devil's sludge body.
"GET THE STONE!" Asta yelled. "Before he regenerates his mouth!"
Saitama walked forward through the chaos.
Zagred panicked. He saw the yellow terror approaching. He tried to reform his mouth. He managed to grow a small, rasping tongue.
"S-St...ay... b-b-back..."
Saitama hopped.
He landed on Zagred's chest, right where the stone was embedded.
"This belongs to me," Saitama said.
He grabbed the magic stone.
Zagred tried to absorb Saitama. "MY HEART! R-ROT!"
Saitama ignored the rotting command. He pulled.
He didn't use magic tools. He didn't use Anti-Magic. He used grip strength.
RRRRIIIIIP.
He tore the magic stone out of the devil's heart.
With it came a spray of black ichor and slime.
Zagred shrieked—a silent, gurgling mental scream of agony as his core source of power was ripped away like a tick.
Saitama held the slimy stone up.
"Ew," Saitama grimaced. "It's sticky."
He jumped off the devil.
"Okay," Saitama tossed the stone to Asta. "Catch."
Asta fumbled it, catching the slimy rock against his chest. "AH! GROSS! But... we got it!"
Zagred began to dissolve. Without the stone, and with half his body vaporized by Genos and the "Shush," he was losing his anchor to the physical world.
"Impossible..." Zagred gasped, his mouth half-formed. "To lose... to a human... without... hatred..."
"I don't hate you," Saitama said, wiping his glove on Zagred's dissolving leg. "I just really needed that 50 million Yuls. You were blocking the payout."
Zagred's eye twitched.
"Money...?"
The supreme devil, the mastermind of centuries of elf torture, faded away into nothingness with one final thought: Capitalism is truly the strongest magic.
The Aftermath - Collapsing Castle
The Shadow Palace began to shake. Without the devil holding the dimension together, and with Genos having eaten half the structural supports for his armor, the place was imploding.
"IT'S COLLAPSING!" Mimosa screamed. "We need to leave! Everyone, gather!"
Valtos (who had switched sides because why not) opened a massive portal. "Go! Through here!"
Genos grabbed Saitama. "Master, your ride is prepared."
Genos transformed into "Jet Mode" (basically he just pointed his legs backward and blasted fire). He carried Saitama bridal style.
"Genos," Saitama said as they flew toward the portal. "Put me down. People are watching."
"Safety first, Master. The floor is unstable."
Asta grabbed Yuno. "Let's go, handsome jerk!"
"Don't touch me, short-stack."
They dived through the portal just as the Throne Room collapsed into the abyss.
The Outside World - The Capitol
They spilled out onto the grass of the Royal Capital.
It was dawn. The sun was rising over a ruined city, but it was rising.
The Elves across the kingdom stopped fighting. The reincarnation spell was undoing itself (thanks to Asta having the Demon-Destroyer sword and whacking everyone really fast on the way out).
Saitama stood up. He brushed grass off his suit.
Teen-Julius (still young) ran up to them, looking exhausted but happy.
"You did it!" Julius cheered. "The energy reading vanished! The devil is gone!"
Saitama walked up to Julius.
The surviving Captains held their breath.
Saitama held out his hand.
"Stone," he snapped his fingers at Asta.
Asta slapped the slimy stone into Saitama's hand.
Saitama placed the stone in Julius's small hand.
"Quest complete," Saitama said. "Item retrieved. Boss defeated. Now."
Saitama leaned down to eye-level with the kid-Wizard King.
"The check. Where is it?"
Julius blinked. He looked at the ruined city. He looked at the royal treasury which was currently on fire. He looked at Damnatio who was calculating damages.
"Ah," Julius smiled nervously. "About that..."
"Don't say it," Saitama warned.
"The treasury is... currently inaccessible. Also, as I am technically 'dead' or missing, my assets are frozen."
Saitama turned grey. He turned into the simplistic sketched version of himself.
"Frozen?"
"But!" Julius added quickly, sensing impending doom. "I can offer you something else! The King has a vacation home. On the coast. With a hot tub."
Saitama's color returned.
"Keep talking."
"And," Julius continued. "Genos gets free reign of the scrap yard."
Genos's eyes lit up. "Master. This deal is acceptable."
Saitama sighed. He looked at the sunrise.
"Fine. But throw in a coupon for the butcher."
"Done!"
The heroes cheered. Asta hugged Yuno (who hit him). Noelle smiled at Saitama.
But in the shadows of the ruins, something was watching. Not a devil. Not an elf.
A man with a blindfold.
Nacht Faust. The Black Bulls Vice-Captain.
He stared at Saitama.
"Interesting," Nacht whispered, his shadow devils giggling around him. "A man who forces devils to silence. Yami... you picked up a dangerous pet."