Hilde delivers with extreme prejudice.
It's intense. It's exactly what I need right now. Her claws, tail, and wings hold me down, and she grips me so hard it aches, and she claws at my legs and my middle until they bead with blood, which she laps up. I want her to kiss me but she won't, and I'm not about to ask her to. I want her to love me but she doesn't, and I'm not about to make things complicated. I want to be hers, I want her to keep me, I want her to hold me, but none of that's ever going to happen again, and I'm not going to be the pathetic ex who can't move on.
That's exactly what I am, but I won't make it obvious. She's the one who dumped me, so it would only make sense that she feels nothing for me anymore and never will again. She's just doing me a favor. And that's all there is to this.
I think so, anyway…
Once I can't take any more, we lay on our backs side by side, only our tails touching. I'm out of breath but she isn't, and my eyes fall shut as she puts bandages over the cuts and I indulge in the aftershocks and lingering pains of her onslaught. That's it. That's all. And now we're done. Just like that, the pleasure is over, and I'm right back to empty numbness.
After a few minutes, I hear her sigh, and then she falls back into bed next to me. "How was that?"
"Amazing," I say with full honesty. "Really… Really amazing…"
"I didn't cut you too deep, did I? You're okay?"
"Y–Yeah, I'm… I'm okay. They'll heal by tomorrow."
"Good." She falls silent, staring up at the ceiling just the same as I am. Then she turns her head. "So… What happened down there, Crimz? What actually happened, I should say."
Taken by surprise, I waver between playing deception and pleading ignorance. "What do you mean? I don't… I don't understand the question."
"With the summons. Your victory over the Wretched. Obviously, what you told the Seraphim was at least in some part embellished."
"Ob–Obviously? What?"
"Well, yeah." She gives me a sideways look. "At least, to me. Don't worry, plenty of the others bought it, I think. But I'm sorry, red, I don't."
I want to spit venom in her face and cut her deep and make it about how she feels the exact same as her Valorant friends, that a filthy worthless rotblood like me couldn't possibly have done it. Hells, I want to lash out and hurt her, for all the times she hurt me.
But I don't. I lay still and wait. And wait. And wait.
Do I tell her the truth? Or do I maintain the lie?
I'm caught in between. Everything I hold dear is at risk.
Dusk begins to fall. Just as the sky begins to become a pale green outside my windows, I mutter, "I don't know what you're talking about, blue. There were no embellishments. It was the truth. I fought against the Wretched, killed a dozen or more by myself, cleansed the land of Overgrowth, and sealed the breach from the Hells. It was difficult, and arduous, and exhausting, and I nearly fell victim to the Fell's hellish forces, but I pushed through and defeated them. That's what happened. That's what actually happened."
"Crimson."
"Hildegard."
"That's a load of drakeshit."
"So now you're calling me a liar."
"Is it somehow wrong to call a kirin a kirin?"
"I'm not having this conversation. I'm done talking."
"So now you're shutting down entirely."
"Is it somehow wrong to ignore slander?"
"Slan–Hells, Crim, slander? I'm not saying anything to anyone! I'm only asking you for the truth, personally, between the two of us! What's gotten into you? Since when are you this… detached? Or maybe defensive is the better word. Honestly, yeah, that's got to be it. You're deflecting. Making it as if I'm the problem here. I'm clearly onto something, and you're trying to make this an argument about literally anything else besides the fact I'm right. What's next? Hm? What? Oh, let me guess. Next, you're going to act as if, because you got exalted, because you got your Mantle, suddenly you're too good to be questioned. Oh, am I interrogating you now? Am I going to throw you into the Cages or something, lock you up like a prisoner for a full panel Inquiry? Or maybe the Valorant asked me to pry into this so they can snag enough evidence to strip you of rank. Nyth's neck, Crimson, what the fuck is happening here?"
I retract my tail and shield myself with my wings as I shrink up, hugging my knees. "You're scaring me. Like you're about to hurt me…"
"What? No. Fuck that. Fuck this." Hilde stands up and dusts off. "Absolutely not. Granted, you do have plenty of reason to disdain and resent me, and I've openly admitted that much is well deserved on my part, but I never knew you feared me. Hells. If that's what you think of me, even just a little, then I'm leaving. And if you're just saying this to get me to leave you alone, then that's even fucking worse. That's twisted. That's sickening. But however you meant to utilize those words, just the fact you've said them is enough. Either way, I'm done. I'm done, Crimson. I–I don't know if it's for good, but right this instant, I'm thinking it fucking might be. Hells, this is… This is just…"
She turns away. Hiding it. But I saw.
Hilde is crying. I've made Hilde cry.
"I'm sorry," she says, voice quivering. "I'm sorry. I never… I never meant for… For you to see me that way. Ever… I'm so sorry…"
"Hilde, wait. Wait, it's not–"
"Just stop. Just… stop. The damage is done. You can't take that back. You can never take that back. Goddess… Hells, that hurts… I need to… I need to go. I need to go. I'm sorry. I need to go. Bye, Crimson."
"Wait, please, Hilde. Plea–"
Her wings rush and she takes flight, shifting to her draconic form the instant she's out of the protective barrier to fly away even faster. Watching her go breaks my heart a little more. Maybe a lot more. As her beautiful blue scales vanish against the indigo dusklight, the only thing in my mind is the same three words on an endless, maddening, soul crushing repeat.
I ruined it. I ruined it. I ruined it. I ruined it. I ruined it.
I ruined it. Me. Not her. This time, it was me. It was me.
And now I am well and truly alone in this universe.
Immobilized in my bed, hot burning tears in my eyes distort my vision and a chest aching sob in my heart interferes with my breathing. I break down crying and bury myself in maroon beddings, weeping alone in this hollow empty place with no one in it but me and my misery.
I don't know why I said that. I don't know why I said that. I was scared, I was scared, I was scared. I was so scared. I can't tell Hilde. I can never tell her the truth. If she saw through my lie, then how many others did too? If she was certain enough to pressure me like that, how would I ever convince her or anyone else otherwise? If I couldn't make it believable, if I couldn't cover my tracks, if I couldn't murder the truth and bury it, if I even hinted at the fact that I was lying, if I ever, ever, ever revealed the reality of what happened to anyone–anyone–then everything would immediately fall apart.
The Primarchs would rescind my Mantle, they would ridicule and shame me in front of everyone, they would punish me for my deceit, they would put me in the Cages for months, they would rip away my freedom just the same as the Fell did, and they would take away my skyland too. I earned this place, and it is my home, but it is a privilege that was granted, and a privilege can always and forever be revoked with ruthless ease and brutal indifference. My castle, my home, my bed, my gardens, my pets. My fucking… pets.
They would take everything from me. Everything.
I've already told the lie. It's too late to change that.
Like Hilde said, I can never take it back. Never.
Even this far away, the Fell has me in her web.
I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate Umbra.
So why do I wish so fucking badly that she was here?
To hold me, to sing to me, to scratch my head, and play with my hair, and smile at me, and ask me about the way things look, and kiss my forehead or ears, and… take care of me.
I wish Umbra was here. To take care of me.
I think I miss her. I think I fucking miss her.
Goddess save me. I am tangled up in roses.