My life has become little more than the spaces between training.
Another few weeks have passed, and I've toiled away most of the time driving my horns into the proverbial grindstone, all in the pursuit of mastering and perfecting my newest craft. My body, both draconic and humanoid, is stronger and faster. I've adjusted for that flawlessly. My lightning magic is far more potent and ferocious. I've adjusted for that flawlessly as well.
My dark magic?
It's fucking pitiful.
Plutoryl and Vander, may the Goddess bless them, have been trying their absolute hardest to help me, but it seems I cannot be helped. It's been weeks of this shit and I haven't improved by so much as a meager spark. Or bloom, in this case. I've faced stagnant periods in training before. Plenty of times. Never like this.
And it is driving me fucking mad.
After the fiftieth time today of trying and failing to conjure a measly sanguine infestation, I watch the bloody traces of my worthless black magic dissipate and something in me snaps.
"Fuck!" I shout as loudly as possible, sparking red as I furiously slash at the infernal training mannequins with claws and tail. Once I'm done it's nothing but shredded straw and torn canvas, but the magic within it hits the whole damn thing right back together.
So I rip it apart all over again.
"Why! Won't! It! Work?" I snarl through clenched teeth, cutting the dummies apart until I feel better, but more than a little winded. "Shit! I'm fucking worthless! Someone explain to me why, even with as much power as she gave me, I can't do a fucking thing with it?"
Plutoryl, gnashing on some jerky, hums, "You managed the basics."
"And what use are those?"
"Fundamentals and such! They're important!"
"I don't think that's what she's asking for," Vander sighs, coming over to me. "Listen. Dark magic relies on stillness. Clarity. Quietude. It's the polar opposite of lightning magic. That's why you're struggling."
I spit on the floor, dragging my claws through my hair as I try to slow my breathing. "Damn it. Damn it. I'm just… I'm just fucking worthless. Goddess help me. I can't… I can't keep fucking this up. Otherwise…"
The two of them watch and wait.
Plutoryl hesitantly asks, "Otherwise?"
"Nothing. Just forget it. I'll try again."
Vander suggests, "Doing so in this state is only going to make it worse."
"Well then, I'd better get used to it. Because I need to be able to do this–do all of this–regardless of whatever's in my head. If I can't maintain perfection in an addled, aggravated, or frightful state, then why does it fucking matter? We're going to war. If I can only use dark magic in an ideal setting, it will be utterly useless on the battlefield. Again. I'm trying… again. As many times as it takes. Until I fucking collapse."
"No, no, that won't do…" She sweeps me up into her arms from behind, placing kisses all over my face and head. "I won't have that, Crimsy. Not at all."
I jam up and shut down, tears stinging in my eyes.
"Ahh… Thank you both. Excuse us."
"Of course, my Queen. Her Rose."
"Hang in there, Rosie girl!"
Umbra steals me away and speeds to the hot springs, then pulls my clothes off, unfastens my leash, and throws me far out into the water. I hit the surface and submerge, exhaling my breath so I slowly sink deeper into the hot inky black water. Something huge darts in out of nowhere and ambushes me, grabbing hold as it rips me back up to the surface.
Umbra, soaking wet and smiling bright, giggles in the shadows of the cavern as she looms over me like an abyssal creature, her eyes darkly glinting. "Hello."
I may not be crying but I'm still hurting.
"Where…" She feels around for me, then pulls me closer so she can kiss my head. "Mmm. So nice to see you. Ah, your hair. You look wonderful. I see you put much effort into… appearing so… Mm. So… adorable…"
"I appreciate the attempt."
"Hm. Jokes aren't doing it? Perhaps you need affections."
Suddenly I'm in her arms pressed to her soft chest as she nuzzles and hugs me. She's humming with delight. For a while, she simply holds me. That feels good. Then she sighs and lays back to become my giant raft as we float. That feels even better. After some time, she kisses my head again and whispers poisonous comforts.
"I'm here. Your favorite evil queen has returned from work. I know, my pet wyvern was so very stressed without her owner near. Well, I have you now, Crimsy. Whatever it is that's troubling you so fiercely, you're no longer facing it alone. Your problems are our problems. But I'm going to lay here and hold you for as long as you desire."
I emit a whine, clinging to her in return.
"Ahh… I know. You poor thing. My little rose… You were so bravely standing strong. How valiantly you endured, all by yourself. Such is the resolve of my mighty wyvern. I have come to endure with you, Crimsy."
Whining again, I murmur, "I'm struggling."
"And so I will reinforce and support you."
"I don't feel well. I think I'm afraid."
"I'm listening. What makes you afraid?"
"Lots of things. The offensive. My part in it. The whole idea of attacking the Heavens and everyone I've ever known. The fact that fucking everyone here is waiting on me to start this off. The delays I keep causing because I can't seem to get my dark magic right. The possibility of completely failing and utterly disappointing you. The thought that you might be wrong about me, and I might be worthless after all. Hells, I'm afraid you'll get rid of me the moment you realize that…"
"Fears are not truths, my little rose."
"But they sure can be nerve-wracking. Or maybe I should say debilitating." With a groan, I drop my face onto her soft breasts, which are the size of my head, and try to relax. Voice muffled by her skin, I grumble, "Would you? I mean, would you throw me away if I proved to be useless after all?"
"No. I don't mind if you're useless. I don't mind if you're completely incapable and totally dependent upon me. You're my mate, yes, but you're also my pet, remember? What functional capabilities did your pets back home serve? None. And they relied on you to feed and care for them. Did you feel that was a burden, Crimsy? Or did you love taking care of them?"
She can't see it, but I'm scowling in annoyance. "Stop that."
"Hm? Stop what?"
"Making sense."
"Ah. I imagine you're pouting."
"I am absolutely pouting."
"Ahh… I'm certain it's adorable…" Her hands take hold of my tail and stroke down its length, scrubbing it clean with water. "Crimsy… You are… You are my little rose first. My lover second. My pet third. My consort fourth. My friend fifth. My concubine sixth. My confidant seventh. My assistant eighth. My advisor ninth. Then my soldier… tenth. Perhaps farther down than even that."
"C–Consort? Concubine?"
"Of course. My darling in public. My sex slave in private…"
"Ohh. F–Fuck… That's…" My mind is shutting down.
"Mmhmhm. I thought that might fluster you." She giggles, giving my tail a sharp tug. A moan slips out of me and she giggles again as she kisses my head. "Listen, little one. Listen closely. Are you?"
"Mmm. Mhm." I'm a bit distracted by the way she's cleaning my tail. "Yes, I'm… I'm listening."
"First and foremost, I am keeping you. Whether you're able to fight or not, you are my companion, and I want you here with me. Nothing will change that. This fear of abandonment has been instilled into you by others. I would ask names… but I suspect you still care for these people, regardless of how much they've hurt you."
I trace my index claw along her collarbone. "I do…"
"Second, you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Far too much. Particularly in these early stages of our offensive. You expect perfection from yourself in an art form you have never used before. Your expectations for yourself are impossible to meet. Impossible. Yet you blame yourself for failing to meet them."
Damn it. She's right. Again. It's senseless of me.
"Third," she sighs, wrapping her arms around me, "your dark magic… It's hardly a factor. Those things I said, about being the missing piece… That was in regards to your might, speed, and lightning magic. Dark magic was never part of it. I've given it to you as an augmentation. To provide you with more tools, should you need them."
"But if I can't use those tools, then I'm not at my best. I have to be at my utmost best. I have to be. If I'm not, then I will fail. Why would anyone want to fight with a soldier who's only able to make use of a fraction of her full arsenal?"
"Because everything else that soldier does is flawless."
"I'm going to fail. It's going to fall apart. And it will be all my fault."
"Again, my rose. Fears are not truths."
"It isn't a fear. I'm certain of it."
"How can you be? You don't know what will happen in the future. Do you?"
"No. But–"
"Then you cannot be certain. You have nothing with which to prove yourself correct. This failure you believe is coming has not happened yet. So how can you say it will go one way or the other?"
"Because I'm me."
She says nothing, simply floating along.
"I'm scared." I curl up in her arms and make myself small as my tears return in force, whimpering, "I'm scared. I'll ruin everything, I just know it. I'm sorry, Umbsy. I'm sorry. I don't know if… I don't know if I can do this…"
"Then we won't. We have time. We can wait until you're ready."
"But you've been waiting for me to be ready…"
"And we will wait however much longer it takes."
"No… No, no, no, I'm–I can't be the reason… it all falls apart…"
"Shhh." Umbra uses the back of a claw to wipe away my tears, but they're replaced immediately. "Nothing is falling apart. I told you earlier, Crimsy. We have the ability to bide our time as much as we like. You have all the time in the world. My armies are patient. My generals, more so. Rushing into the fray halfway prepared is not the way we fight. And this provides more time for them all to train as well. You're inconveniencing no one."
I snivel and whine, melting into her hands as she holds me "Truly? I'm not?"
"Not at all. War is very slow, Crimsy. All of us here in the Hells are well aware of that fact. If we had already begun the offensive, it may be different, but there is no pressure to do this quickly. Do you understand me, little rose?"
Still softly weeping, I quiver, "Yes… I do…"
"Good." Again, she wipes away my tears. They return much slower this time. "What's more… You don't need dark magic. For any of this. Your lightning magic will be far beyond sufficient. It is exceptional. As are you. Please, see things differently. My intentions for you as a combatant do not rely on your ability to wield dark magic. Not in the slightest. Do you understand me, Crimson?"
My head is on her chest so I nod. "Y–Yes… Umbra… I'm sorry…"
"No need." She hugs me tighter and tighter. "Mmm. You are perfect, Crimsy. Perfect. You may shrug off this weight of inadequacy, which was placed on you up there. Down here, you are perfection defined. There is nothing wrong with you. There is everything right. Can you take these words to heart, my rose? For me? Please."
I hug her in return, arms, legs, wings, and tail around her giant body. "Yes… I will… I'll try, at least. It may take… some time."
"That, we have plenty of. Are you comfortable?"
"Very…"
"We'll float for another few hours. Just relax. Let the warm water ease you. Let the steam cloud your anxieties. Let my nearness give you solace. And let my embrace give you sanctuary. Rest, my little rose. Simply… rest. With me…"
It takes a minute, but eventually I am able to relax.
Here we are. Alone in the dark. Floating.
I've never experienced such tranquility as this.
My mind has been changed. I'll be ready soon.
Dark magic will be a work in progress.
I will fight with everything else I have in me.
For her.
For Umbra.