I'm not able to enjoy the Hells' festivities either.
It isn't half as lively, vibrant, or obnoxious though, so I don't have the same compulsive urge to slip away and escape it. No, it's somewhat of a somber occasion, and nobody is cheering or barking laughter or shouting triumphs. There is a lot of food, and everyone is gladly digging in, but the conversation throughout the feast hall is fairly muted. From the head table, I do see some smiles and revelry among the lower ranks, but just about all of the generals are lost in thought. Even Plutoryl.
At least I'm not the only one who's pensive.
Umbra wraps her arms around me from behind and leans closer to nuzzle my head with her cheek. "Mmm. My Crimsy. Care to talk yet, little one?"
It's like something is blocking my throat but I nod, adjusting my position in her lap. "Maybe. Now that it's… settled. Some. I guess in truth it's actually sinking, rather than setting. I… I don't feel very good, Umbsy…"
"Would you like to depart? Discuss this in private?"
"No, it's… It's okay. I want to stay. Besides, we basically are in our own little world up here."
"Indeed we are. As always. There is no one else I'd prefer to be alone with." She grins a little, dangling some scorched drake meat over my head. My appetite hasn't quite suffered yet, so I snap my jaws shut and have at it. She smiles brighter as I chew and offers our goblet of wine too. "You're troubled by the bloodiness of the affair. Perhaps feeling guilty as well?"
"Somefing like 'at." I wash the savory and salty meat down with the rich red wine, placing my hand on her wrist so she keeps the goblet close. "I don't know. I don't know if it's guilt. I don't know what it is. I just feel… wrong."
"As if you've done something wrong? Or as if you yourself are out of harmony?"
"Um. Both those things seem plausible."
"Are you having second thoughts?"
"No. No, and I don't think I regret it either. I am proud to have served you, and to have backed up my squadron, and to have seized this victory for our cause. None of that is in question. So what's wrong with me? Fix it, Umbsy… Please…"
"Gladly. But you must continue to speak with me about this. And be honest. And trust in me. Can you do that for me, Crimsy?"
"Yes… I can do that…"
She pours more wine down my throat. "There's one thing I'd like you to understand. In full. You don't need to feel guilt or regret. There's nothing wrong with you if you don't. There's nothing wrong with the way you feel. Ever. Do you understand me?"
I stare into space, lost. "Not feeling guilt after killing someone is… That's bad."
"Perhaps that is the source of your melancholy. Perhaps the absence of guilt and regret is what is causing you such distress. Perhaps you believe that you should feel that way, but the truth is that you don't. And the fact you don't…"
"Feels worse," I mutter, picking at the dorsal plating on my tail. "That… makes sense."
"Dissonance," she whispers, dabbing at my lips with a cloth napkin. "Belief clashing with reality."
"Right. I think it feels similar to… Yes, my time in the Heavens, after leaving here. Dissonant. I felt that I should have believed in Aurora, but in reality that belief was fracturing by the day. Maybe that is my issue now. Dissonance…"
"You're not evil." She kisses my cheek. "I am. And I assure you. You're not suddenly a malevolent fiend because you don't regret killing those draconids. Some might claim otherwise, but that is pure naivety. Morality is never so simple as that. There are plenty of reasons why someone might not feel a lick of negativity from killing. Most relevantly, the killing of abusers."
"Abusers? I've never had a single interaction with any of those Legends before today. How could they possibly have been abusive towards me?"
"By maintaining a culture that spits on people like you. By reinforcing power structures that harm and control people like you. By supporting a tyrant who permits her subjects to destroy people like you without consequence. Haunt informed me of what Chrysalis said to you. Do you believe the filth she was spewing about your mixed blood to be anything other than abusive?"
"Well…" I shift with discomfort, pulling at her wrist to gulp down more wine. "I don't know. I don't know. I mean, they've never hurt me or anyth–"
"Abuse does not necessitate violence."
"But they–Ahhh…" I growl through my teeth, pulling at my white hair. "They never did anything to me, Umbra! They probably didn't even know I existed until the day I fell!"
She remains completely calm. "If I take away all of the food in this room, would I not be responsible for your starvation?"
I want to protest but that makes too much sense. "Hells. Damn it…"
"You're bristling," she mutters, smoothing out my dorsal plating. "Shall we have a short recess?"
"A recess. For a court of two."
"Quite the amusing concept, no?"
"It is, yes." I growl a sigh through clenched teeth, drinking more wine. I'm certainly starting to feel it. "Fine. Okay. They were indirectly abusive to me. Fine. So that absolves me of murdering them?"
"I never said that. Only that there are myriad reasons not to feel sorry for it. If they were going to hurt you, hurt your family, destroy your home, exterminate your pets… In some senses, it may even feel good to kill someone, Crimsy. First and foremost… Revenge."
"They say vengeance is hollow. That the pursuit of it is self destructive. That even once you finally get it, you won't feel any better."
"Those who say that have clearly never gotten revenge."
"Oh. Um. Well, I can't exactly say I have either. Does it… Um…"
"It depends on what wrongdoing is being avenged. And how much hatred burns in your heart. And how much better everything will be if your enemy is gone. But absolutely, my little rose." She smiles as she lowers her head and kisses me, then whispers in my ear, "It can feel like abject ecstasy."
Her hot breath makes me shiver. Damn it. I'm too easy. "But… But isn't it… You know, you devote your life to vengeance and then you get it and then what? It's just… over. Right?"
"Yes. And then you move on to the next stage of your life."
"Doesn't it haunt you afterwards or anything?"
"Haunt you? Why would it? You would forever after have the memory of your triumph to reflect on and enjoy. If anything, it is a source of pleasure. And pride."
"I can't tell if this is your wisdom of the ages or if you're simply being evil."
"Mostly the former," she giggles. "But yes. Some of the latter."
"I do enjoy your evils, oddly enough." Kissing her hands and holding them to my body, I take solace in her nearness. "If… If I were to get my revenge. On those three drakeshit bastards. Do you… Do you think it would feel good?"
"Very." She nibbles on my ear, slipping her tongue into its folds. "Your reasons for vengeance against them are… unparalleled. They killed your pets. What kind of monster kills people's pets? Not even I would do that to Aurora. No, these three… They deserve what's coming to them. Without a shred of a doubt. And you will feel exultant for ridding this world of them. I'm certain of that, Crimsy."
I hum a weak moan as she continues to lick my ears and grasp my body. "In that case… I'm eager. Hahh… F–Fuck, that feels good…"
"Care to feel even better, my pet? I'll make your toes curl and your eyes roll back. You've more than earned the deepest pleasures I can provide. So long as this melancholy of yours has not severed your desires…"
"N–No–No, it hasn't. Ahh… But… Can we–Can we come back to this? Later? I still… still need more. Help. And your–Ahh… Mmm. Your reassurance. Please…"
"You will have it. We'll speak of this again. As soon as you need." With another kiss on my cheek, she lifts me in her arms and stands up. "My Rose and I will be retiring for the night. Good evening, Wretched."
She doesn't wait around for a response.
I don't know if she's right or not. Maybe it's dissonance. Or maybe it's just misery. All I know is that she helped me feel a little better. And then she drowns me in pleasure to numb the pain.
I think I might be falling in love.
If I haven't already…