Finally, I'm able to rest.
Umbra and I are lounging about in her bed, doing little to nothing besides nuzzling together and snoozing in each other's arms. With the third ambush ringing out across the Hells as a major success, we've all pulled back and retreated for the moment to decide on how to proceed, and more importantly, to recuperate. Which means I'm taking a break from training.
To do… this. Nothing. With her. So close together.
I murmur a quiet sound as I adjust myself underneath her. I'm on my back but tucked in toward her chest, and she's on her side tilted forward so her far side covers me from above. In response to my movements, she caresses my face in her palm then leans in to kiss my head.
I smile, fuzzy inside. "Mmm… Hi."
"Hello." She does it again, and again. "My little rose. How lovely your petals… Soft as velvet to the touch. And more fragrant than any other flower in this world…"
I blush as red as my dorsal plating, stomach fluttering with butterflies. "Umbsy… That's so romantic."
"Mm. I stay true to the heart, my love."
That's as far as she's taken it so far. 'My love'. It's huge. Yes. But she hasn't said she loves me. It feels like dull pointed claws raking across slatestone, but in my mind and my heart. Why won't she say it? Does she not love me back? If she doesn't love me, then what does she feel towards me? Does she feel anything at all? Or am I just another woman in a series of women she charms into this position with her, but doesn't actually care about? Do I mean anything to her? Am I just a temporary indulgence? Am I just a worthless fling? By saying I love her, did I break everything apart? And now she's just tolerating my presence while waiting for a chance to get rid of me?
That has to be it. Why else wouldn't she say it back?
"Ahh… My Crimsy… What makes you so tense all of a sudden?"
Shit. I didn't realize. She can feel these sorts of things. Smell my fear or my anxiety or my pain. There's next to nothing I can hide from her. "I… Um. N–Nothing…"
"Very well then. I shan't pry any further. When and if you feel comfort–"
"Do you hate me?"
"Hm?" She pauses for a few seconds. "Ah. No, Crimsy. I do not hate you. Quite the opposite."
"The opposite of hatred is apathy."
"Perhaps in some senses. But an opposite is not simply a negation. It is an inverse."
"I just think it's funny how you haven't said anything."
"Regarding your blunder in telling me that you love me?"
"Blunder. Hells. Blunder, she said. Well, if it's such a fucking blunder, then–"
"You did not intend to say it right then, did you?"
"No, but that doesn't change the fact tha–"
"Poor choice of words. On my part. The blunder being that it slipped out before you were prepared for it to be communicated. With that in mind, I chose to await your confirmation that indeed it is so. Likewise… You were… terribly embarrassed. When you flew away. I didn't… I didn't want to put you on the spot. I thought you might… Perhaps bring it up again… When you are ready."
I clench my jaw and try my hardest to swallow this indignance. "Damn it. So I'm the problem."
"There is no problem here, is there?" She curls up all around me, bringing her knees up to my back and using her wings to close us in. "Not you. Not I. Just… miscommunication. These things happen."
"But I was… I snapped at you."
"You're in pain. You're afraid. Agitation is only natural." She draws me in closer, hesitating with her face close to mine. When I don't retreat or push against her, she places a slow, soft kiss on my lips. "Fret not, my little rose. I hold nothing against you."
"I'm sorry regardless." Taking her words to heart, I hug my giant mate and indulge in how soft she is. "I'm afraid. Yes. Very… Because… I don't know what I am to you. If I'm anything at all…"
"Sssss." She suddenly kisses me with a fierce passion, taking my breath away as she tastes my mouth and throat, squeezing me tight from every angle. Her lips still touching mine, she whispers, "You are my favorite. My only. My Rose. What are you to me? You are many things. Many good things. I adore you. I cherish you. I yearn for you. I miss you when you're gone. I feel happier when you're here. All this time, I've been alone in the darkness, blind to everything around me. But from the moment we first met, you brought light into my life. Color. One color. Your color. Crimson. I may not see it, but I feel it. And what a beautifully invaluable color it is."
It's very hard to argue against that, but I still pout as she kisses my cheek and my neck. "Invaluable? I have no value?"
"Damn you, Crimsy. You're priceless."
"Because I have no worth at all?"
"Because there is nothing in existence that equates to the unimaginably fathomless and infinite worth you hold."
She goes back to kissing my body, and I'm still pouting. "But you haven't said it back…"
Suddenly, Umbra is on top of me, looming on her hands and knees. Those empty white eyes impale me like they always do as she whispers, "I do not know what it feels like to love others. I have felt love for my family. For Aurora. And you know exactly how that went."
I lay my hand around her wrist beside my head. "I do."
"I've felt nothing remotely similar since." Lowering her head, she flickers her black tongue down at me. "Until I found you. Crimson."
Bewildered, I stare up at my Goddess.
"Yes… You." She kisses my chest. "You, I feel compassion for. Affection. Adoration. A desire to keep, hold, and protect while we trudge through this arduous and difficult life we both must live. I want you. Dearly. Do I love you? I don't know. But what I feel for you is the closest to love that I have ever felt towards anyone but her. Perhaps I am already in love. Perhaps I'm in the process of falling. But I want to love you, Crimson. I do. To that end, I wish to stay by your side until I know it for certain. And I'd like to ask for your help in doing so. If you're willing…"
My heart is fit to burst. I reach for her. "Come here… Please…"
She sighs as she lowers herself on top of me so I can embrace her around the neck. Carefully keeping her weight off me, she mumbles in my ear, "I accept your feelings. I will cherish the love you have for me. It is a beautiful thing and it will be nurtured and protected. I'm simply… asking for your patience. And your help. Please. Crimsy."
"You have it," I whisper back, pulling her in for another kiss. "You have it, Umbsy. I'm sorry. I should've been kinder about this. I'm sorry…"
"Shhh. Nothing to apologize for. Don't fret."
"Mmm. Okay… I can be okay with this. Now that I know. We'll do our best, won't we? I'll help you however I can. And I won't expect you to say it back. So long as it makes you smile… That's enough. I promise."
"Well." She does smile, then kisses me again. "I will. Every time. I promise."
"Mmm." I feel at her neck and open my mouth for her. The two of us twist tongues as our breathing accelerates and our bodies push against each other. As she kisses her way down my neck, I run my claws through her black hair and gasp, "I love you, Umbsy. I love you. I love you."
"Mmm." Her smile broadens and she kisses my stomach. "Say it again. And again. And again…"
"I love you. I love you. Hells, I love you, Umbra. Mm… Hahh… I love you. I love you so, so, so mu–Ahh… F–Fuck… Oh, that's so good…"
She purrs her low laugh and makes it all better.
I love her. I love her. I love her.
I love Umbra. In her own way, I think she loves me too.