[IMPORTANT NOTE]
I know I left y'all at that dirt nasty cliffhanger BUUUUT I was writing the next chapter where Hilde and Crimson talk and realized it would hit so much harder if I actually explained what went wrong in their relationship and how it effected Crimson, rather than cutting off those details right as she's about to start talking about them
soooo... this chapter ends with the same cliffhanger IM SORRY
BUT the chapter AFTER is almost done so it'll be here soon I pwomise ;;>3<
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We're floating in the hot springs, like we so often do.
I'm laying face down on her chest with my face in my arms, soaking in the heat and humidity. Neither of us have said anything since we got down here, but this quiet is peaceful. The calm before the storm. I have an uncanny feeling that I'm going to be in tears before this is all over.
With a deep breath, head low to hide my shame, I tell the story from the beginning.
"When I first met Hilde it was by complete accident, and she caught me red handed doing something illegal. I was setting up a race course and laying down checkpoints using illumination runes placed on different buildings throughout the Heavens. One of those places was the very top of the Burning Spire."
"Oh, how foolish," Umbra chuckles beneath me. "The headquarters of Aurora's law enforcement and military command."
"Which is why they're so fun to fuck with!"
"Ah. But of course. And Valorant Hildegard is an enforcer…"
"She was up on the rooftop smoking a cigarette when Zip buzzed by and dropped me off. We didn't notice her until after, and Zip bailed on me immediately. Not that I can blame her, I would've done the same. So, there I was, by myself, just me and the big scary enforcer. Obviously I didn't know her at the time, but I'd seen her around and knew that she took her job very seriously. She didn't know me either but she was aware of me, because Zip and I had gotten busted for our illegal racing rings multiple times by then. Out of nowhere, she started asking me about the races and my part in them, saying that she wanted to watch someone race. Then she asked where we tended to congregate before and after."
"As if you would tell her that."
"Of course not. I said I wasn't going to tell her shit. But then she said something about how she doesn't care that we were racing illegally, so long as nobody was getting hurt. Sounded like entrapment to me, so I told her she was full of shit. And then she… She sighed. And then she said… Something about how it would be another night of drinking alone, then she told me to do whatever I wanted and added that she never saw me."
"Hm." Umbra pours hot water over me with a hand. "Pathos."
"It seemed pretty damn genuine to me… And it was. I ended up asking her whose race she wanted to watch. Her answer? Me. She wanted to watch me race. By this point I was kind of swayed, but I mentioned it probably wasn't a good idea for any enforcer to be hanging around us lowly criminal scum, and the others might not like her. Then she said one thing. One very simple thing. She said she'd keep the airway patrollers off us."
"Ah. Sold?"
"Sold. I brought her with me to the Sidewinder Tavern, and the place went dead silent the second we walked in. I need exactly what to say. I pointed a thumb back at her and told them all that the next round was on her. And everything worked out just fine. Like that, she was one of us. Sort of. It was a little awkward at first but everyone got used to it. And she saved the whole league multiple times, which was proof enough of her good intentions. What's more, not once did she ever remark on my talons, or my being crossblooded. She just didn't care about the stigma. And… Over time, the two of us got to know each other. We drew closer."
"Mm. The law enforcement agent and the mischievous hooligan. An even more interesting combination than you and the librarian."
"Much more complicated one too…" I lift my head, setting my chin on my hands to look at my beautiful Umbsy. Her eyes are closed but there's a faint smile on her lips. I kiss the soft skin of her chest and sigh again. "There was some wariness on both sides, but ultimately my people embraced her. And that was fantastic. That made me happy. She came around often, never caused any problems, and once the initial oddity of it wore off, everything was fine. However… Things didn't go so smoothly the other way around."
Umbra's arms close around my waist.
"For a long time, several years at that, the only time we spent together was with the racing league or on our own. I didn't think too much of it at the time, because I was just happy to be with her. We were in love. That's all I was concerned with. But then one day Zip asked me if I'd ever met any of her friends. It was then that I realized… No, I hadn't. I didn't even know who her friends were, if she had any. The obvious next question is… Why not? Why hadn't she introduced me to anyone she associated with?"
"I believe I can infer the answer…"
"I believe you'd be right. She may not have mentioned my being crossblooded, or felt any particular disdain towards me for it, but I was so naive to have drawn the conclusion that she hadn't noticed. She did notice. Right from the very start. It's not like I can hide them. And so, I started to suspect that was the reason. Maybe she was ashamed of me. Maybe she was embarrassed of me. Maybe she was hiding me."
"Maybe. So you did not know yet for certain."
"No…"
"I assume you went to confront her and ask."
My face goes back into my arms and I curl up.
"Ahh.. Crimsy…" She holds me tighter.
"I couldn't. That–That's an accusation. I didn't want her to think I didn't trust her. Or that I was unhappy. Or that I was anxious. I was so happy to be with her, you know? I didn't want to–to–to mess things up or cause problems, because then she would be mad at me for it and then she'd realize she could do so much better than some runty little rotblood and then she would leave me…"
"You poor thing." Umbra pulls me higher up her chest and kisses my head with a lamentatious sigh. "How deeply you are hurt by abandonment… We'll discuss that much at a later time. So, you remained quiet and suffered alone? Did nothing change?"
"Not exactly… Zip confronted her about it one night, while I was racing. It was so confusing. When I left, everything was fine. When I came back… both of them were pissed off. I didn't know why. Neither of them told me. I… I thought it was my fault… Something I said or did…"
"Ah. Yes, your tendency to blame yourself. We'll also discuss that at length another time. I can't imagine being kept in the dark was easy on you."
"It wasn't… I thought they were both mad at me, and I drank and cried a lot that night. Hilde stayed with me through it. And in the morning, she suddenly invited me to join her for lunch way up near the Spire. It was going to be just the two of us, but the fact we would be together, in public, during the day, it… It was so exciting."
"How sorrowful it is that the bar was so low."
I don't know what to say to that. So I move on. "When we met up later that day, she was like a whole new Hilde. A little more rough around the edges because she was still halfway through work, but she was watching over me like she was my bodyguard or something. I felt so safe."
"Likely ensuring no one important to her saw you together."
I don't know what to say to that either. It hurts a little. "I don't… I don't think that's it…"
"Given what you've told me this far, it is the only conclusion that can be drawn. Ask yourself, Crimsy. Who do you think she was protecting? You or herself? And if the answer is you, then who was she protecting you from, and why would she bring you someplace where you might be in danger?"
"Wait. Wait, stop. Stop that… No…"
"I'm sorry, my love, but I already know how this tale goes."
My chest hurts. "Umbra, please…"
"You loved her with all your heart," she whispers to the thousands of glowing gemstones above us. "I suspect she loved you as well. But for a pureblooded dragon of such tremendous rank to be seen with any crossblood of any kind would be utterly disastrous for her reputation, her family's reputation, her rank in law enforcement, her career prospects, her social standing, her future opportunities, her financial situations, and her worthiness in the eyes of the Primarchs and Aurora. However much she did in fact love you, there were too many dangers for her to do so openly. And rather than risk it… Ah. I understand now. She threw you away. That's why you're so afraid that I might do the same…"
It hurts. What she's saying about Hilde hurts.
She spoke over me twice. She wouldn't listen.
I'm not being heard, so I have nothing left to say.
Best to curl up, stop talking, and wait for this to pass.
"How fucking cruel this life has been to you," Umbra hisses in an icy tone. "No. No. How cruel those of the Heavens have been to you. This should never have been an issue, but the supremacist culture Aurora has cultivated made it so. And this, another effect of that cause…"
My eyes burn with tears. It hurts. It hurts.
"Shhh. Shhh." She nuzzles her cheek to my head and plays with my wet hair. "Don't fret, little one. I know your heart is aching, but I'm here. I have you."
I cry in silence. It's all I can do. Shut up and be quiet.
If I don't do anything, then I can't make it worse.
If I don't say anything, then I can't cause problems.
If I remain quiet and suffer alone, she won't leave me.
At least… Not as quickly.
This is the first time Umbra has made me cry. She thinks it's because of Hilde, but it isn't. In that, I have a blanket of safety. I can weep over her refusal to listen and she'll never know it hurt me in the first place. That's good. That's a good thing. Because then Umbra won't have to feel bad about hurting me. I don't want her to. So it's better this way.
I'm tough. I have to be.
I'm suffering alone for the sake of us.
Beneath me, she stirs. A low hum vibrates in her chest. She kisses my head, wipes at my tears with a claw, and speaks softly into my ear. "I apologize, my love… That was quite harsh of me, wasn't it? You still care for her. That much is clear. Hilde is no enemy to you, and so I should be no enemy to her. You asked me to stop… Twice… I'm sorry, Crimsy. My frustration on your behalf got the better of me. I should be listening to you. Not speaking over you."
Now it hurts even more. But in a freeing way.
Like a dam just burst and now I can breathe.
Or… Cry. A lot. So intensely I can't stay quiet.
"You're right!" I sob into the crook of her neck. "You're right! That's–That's exactly how it went! And why! Everything that went wrong–Everything! It was all because I'm a filthy fucking r–"
Umbra dives underwater, taking me with her.
When she comes right back up, I cough and sputter and wheeze. "What the fuck, Umbsy?"
"No. None of that." She launches me into the air. Once I hit the water and submerge, she scoops me right back up again. "That word is banned."
"What fucking word? Rotbl–"
She shoves me back under and pulls me back up.
"Umbsy! Fucking stop that!"
"Fine. But stop saying it. Something changed in you when you went back to the Heavens. Now, you call yourself crossblood. And you only call yourself that word when you want it to hurt."
"Hells. Damn it." I shake the water off and growl. "I blame Xikarius for that."
"Then I ought to thank him. Now, would you like to try again and say what you intended to say? Without such a detestable pejorative."
"Damn it. Damn it. Fine. Yes, everything that went wrong with Hilde, it was because I'm crossblooded. And everything you said about it was exactly right. That's what happened. That's why we were at odds. That's why she broke up with me. That's why she never defended me from the others. Because someone like her, standing up for someone like me… It only caused her grief. And I hated that. I never wanted to be a problem for her. Never. I just wanted her."
"I understand your pain, Crimsy. And I wish to raise this one point again. Yes, Hilde made her choices. There is no excuse for that. But the root cause is not her fault either. It's the cultural poison that is supremacy and subjugation. Perpetuated by those in power over the Heavens. These things are taught. Not inherent. Do you understand me?"
"Yes, Umbsy," I groan, latching onto her again. "You're right, as always. It's Aurora's fault, as always. Hells. That does make me feel a little better. Thank you for talking with me about this. And for apologizing earlier… I wish I could talk to Hilde about it–"
"We have a problem!" Vander shouts from afar. When he flies out to where we're floating, he draws in a sharp breath and gives me a bit of a wince. "Apologies for the interruption, my Queen, Her Rose. It seems… Valiant Hildegard is here in the Hells. Alone. Demanding to speak with you, Crimson."
My heart drops deeper than the Hells themselves.
"Shit."