The saliva remains on my cheek.
Hot. Heavy. Unwelcome.
Something else trails down beside it—
…tears?
I'm… crying.
Streams drip down my face and slide toward my neck.
I don't—
I don't want to die.
Please…
I squeeze my eyes shut as tight as they'll go.
The knife presses harder against my cheek.
Cold. Unforgiving. Hungry.
Don't.
A whimper slips out of me before I can stop it.
Her face moves closer.
I feel her presence—
that suffocating heat, her breath ghosting across my skin, her lashes brushing mine like she wants the world to disappear until it's only her and me.
Haru, don't open your eyes.
"Open your eyes, Haru…" she whispers, low, breath trembling.
Her hand suddenly wraps around my neck.
She squeezes.
Slowly.
Slowly.
My windpipe collapses under her control, air leaving me in thin, pathetic gasps.
I'm going to die.
Each breath gets tighter, smaller, weaker.
Her warm breath fogs every thought I have, suffocating me from outside and inside, drowning my mind as surely as her hand strangles my throat.
…
Why?.
Her grip tightens. My face twists under the pressure, lips dragging into a forced grimace as I claw for whatever air I can steal.
Do I…
Do I deserve this?
Would it be better…
if I was..
Gone?
"Yes, Haru… it would."
My own mind answers.
No.
Not my mind.
Her voice—
Mina's voice—
echoes through the dark edges of my skull.
Then everything collapses inward.
The squeezing on my neck disappears.
The pain in my head and stomach vanish.
Mina's weight is gone.
I'm still lying down—
but not in the park.
I'm surrounded by darkness.
A void.
"Where… am I?" I whisper.
I push myself up.
Stand.
Look around.
Nothing but black in every direction.
I'm somehow standing and falling at the same time.
Then—
"Haru."
A whisper behind me.
Mina's voice.
I jerk around—
nothing.
My heart spikes.
Then—
A stabbing pain erupts inside my skull.
I grab my head with both hands, fingers twisted in my hair—
A memory slams into me.
First year of middle school.
The school gates.
Me—
excited.
Hopeful.
Stupid.
I wanted friends.
I wanted to join a club.
I wanted to be someone.
Next thing I know—
My face is smashed into the bathroom floor.
A circle of boys around me, laughing, recording, kicking, spitting their poison:
"You should die."
"Worthless."
"Punching bag."
I watch myself from outside my own body—
small, pathetic, curled on cold tiles.
A hot surge floods my chest, forcing my hands to clench into tight fists.
"Get up!" I yell at the memory.
More laughter.
More kicks.
"GET UP!" I shout at myself.
Yelling is worthless—I know it won't change a damn thing. No matter where I stand.
I'm still useless.
Why?
Why did I deserve any of this?
The pain in my chest twists violently.
"If I disappear… it's only because I was already gone."
Mina's voice again—
cold, whispering directly into my skull.
My breathing stutters.
What are you?
Why are you..
In my head?
Leave me…..
Leave me alone.
"Fuck you—" I whisper, staring at the memory and answering the voice.
More laughter echoes…
I'm staring at myself on that bathroom floor, crying.
Dammit.
My teeth clench hard as I grit them.
"Fuck ALL OF YOU!" I scream
It shatters instantly.
Black.
Silent.
Endless.
Then another memory forces itself in.
Second year.
Third year.
Every humiliation replayed like a slideshow from hell.
A fake love letter in my desk.
Me waiting behind the school.
A group of boys instead—
laughing, grabbing, stomping me.
Stepping on me.
Kicking me.
Their personal plaything.
"No… please… stop—" I whisper.
But the memories keep playing.
I collapse to my knees in the void, gripping my hair.
Tears stream down my face, falling into nothing.
I punch the ground—
but it's not real.
My fist swings through empty space.
I'm losing it.
Losing myself.
Then—
A memory deeper than all the others rises.
The old house.
Third year of middle school.
I hear rhythmic banging upstairs.
"No—Don't show me this—PLEASE!" I scream.
But it plays anyway.
Moaning.
"No!" I squeeze my eyes shut—
but something forces them open.
My mother's moaning.
Ice floods my veins.
My younger self walks toward the cracked door.
I shouldn't look.
"DON'T LOOK!" I scream at myself.
But I do.
And I see her—
my mother—
with my father's uncle.
While my dad was at work.
The memory shatters again, leaving me shaking in the void.
I never told anyone.
Not Dad.
No one.
I hid every bruise.
Every tear.
Every humiliation.
Because no one ever cared enough to ask.
So why…
Why am I seeing this now?
I tried so damn hard to start over—
to be happy—
to bury everything.
But nothing will let me.
The void trembles.
"Remember me one day…"
Mina's voice, cold and echoing.
"Remember… you?" I whisper.
But I don't.
I don't know you.
We just met…
I..
Hate you!
Suddenly laughter echoes around me, mixed with a jingle of bell, and a gust of cold wind sweeps through my chest, chilling me to the bone.
"What… is happening?"
My voice cracks.
I don't understand anything.
I slam my fist into my face.
Knuckle on bone.
Sharp pain.
"Dammit!.." I sob.
I'm not…
I'm not meant for this world.
I can't take all this…
An unwelcome grief presses into my heart, settling there like a stone.
My mind goes to Mina strangling me.
Maybe…
Maybe dying is easier.
The void breaks apart—
shattering like glass.
Cold air rushes back.
Mina's breath returns—
hot, trembling, inches away.
Her hand is still around my throat.
Crushing.
My windpipe barely letting air slip through.
My eyes remain shut.
It's fine…
If I die, at least it'll be by someone who said they—
…loved me.
Right?
That word—
I haven't heard it in years.
Maybe I was never meant to.
If I'm going to die…
Maybe it's okay to say it once.
Just once.
For me.
"I… love you…" I choke, barely forming the words.
Somehow calm.
Accepting.
My arms fall limp.
My breathing stops struggling.
My mind quiets.
I'm…
ready.
Her body trembles.
Her hand loosens—
THUD.
The knife hits the ground beside us.
Her breathing shifts—
from mania,
to confusion,
to something soft.
"Wh… what?" she stammers.
The pressure lifts from my throat, and I suck in air with my whole body—gasping, collapsing into each breath like a drowning man breaching the surface.
Drops hit my face.
Not rain.
She's crying.
"You… love… me…?"
Her voice fractures.
Then she screams—
"HARU!!!"
She collapses onto me, hugging me so tight it hurts.
Her tears pour onto my chest like she's grieving a ghost.
What…
the… hell?
My eyes open halfway.
She's buried in my shirt, arms shaking as she clings to me like she'll die if she lets go.
Pain throbs in my head, my stomach—
but she's hugging me.
Crying.
Sobbing.
Holding on like I'm the last thing she has.
What is happening?
Am I…
am I alive?
I try to speak, but my throat is raw.
"Mina… what are you—"
She squeezes harder.
Pain shoots down my ribs.
Three long minutes pass before she lifts her head, wiping tears with trembling hands.
"Haru…" she sniffles, "did you… mean what you said?"
…
I don't know.
I only thought
I was going to die.
So I gave myself one wish.
A selfish one.
To tell a girl I loved her.
I nod.
I can't believe I nodded.
Her cheeks flush red.
She looks away, smiling through tears.
"You're… the first boy to ever confess to me…"
Then she looks back, eyes shining.
"Then it's official. You're my boyfriend."
Her tears vanish instantly.
Her smile brightens like morning sunlight.
Like she didn't just almost kill me.
Like none of it happened.
This girl…
She's—
insane.
But maybe…
maybe I'm broken too.
The void's echo returns—
"Remember me…"
Mina's voice.
My chest aches.
My mind is too drained to process anything.
Then—
A soft ringtone.
Not mine.
Mina's eyes go flat—
obedient, hollow.
She answers the phone.
"Yes."
"…Okay. I'll be there."
She hangs up and looks at me gently.
"Sorry, Haru. My parents need me home."
She leans in—
Presses the softest kiss to my forehead.
Her face burns red.
She stands.
Picks up the knife.
Slides it back into her coat.
Wipes her tears.
Then smiles down at me.
"I'll see you at school… my lover."
She giggles, bright red, and walks away into the darkness.
…
I…almost died.
And now..
I have a girlfriend…?
I lie there staring at the sky for a long time.
Eventually I force myself up.
Everything hurts.
By the time I reach home, I'm barely standing.
I slip off my shoes—
step onto the stairs—
My foot gives out.
I fall.
My head smashes against the floor.
Darkness swallows me.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
White ceiling.
Sterile air.
A hospital.
Bandages around my head.
My vision clears—
My father sits beside my bed.
Sleeping.
Glasses off.
Red hair messy.
Tear streaks dried on his face.
He… cried?
A sharp pain tightens in my chest.
"Dad…" I whisper.
He stirs.
Looks up, voice trembling.
"Haru…"
He hugs me instantly—
a hug I haven't felt in years.
It…
It makes something inside me crack.
Before I know it—
I'm crying too.
"I thought…" he chokes, gripping my back hard—
"I thought I lost you, Haru..All that blood."
My stomach twists.
So do the memories I buried of Mom—
the betrayal—
everything.
Without thinking, I hug him tighter.
Bury my face in his shoulder.
My tears won't stop.
Everything feels wrong.
I hate myself.
I hate all of this.
The smell of his shirt—
old cigarette smoke embedded from years—
becomes a strange kind of comfort.
Memories flash—
him taking me fishing as a kid.
Laughing.
Talking.
Back when we were close.
Back when I told him everything.
But now—
Now…
"Haru?"
A voice—strained, hoarse.
My father stiffens.
He steps back.
I look.
Silver hair tangled to her shoulders.
Green eyes tired and wet with tears.
Mom.
My eyes drop instantly.
Heat twists in my stomach.
I can't look at her.
I can't.
"Haru…" she whispers, voice cracking.
My father's hand squeezes my shoulder—
a signal to look at her.
I look.
Instantly—
The scene replays in my mind.
The faces she made.
The sounds.
The betrayal.
A constant loop.
A video rewinding and replaying.
I stare at her like she's a ghost I don't want to see.
"Haru?" my father asks, voice worried now.
He studies my face—reading me too well.
Stop.
Stop looking at me.
Or you'll know—
My breathing sharpens.
Vision tunnels.
Sweat forms.
Leave.
Leave.
Leave.
"Haru, are you okay?" my mother steps closer, grabbing my shoulder.
"What hurts? I'll get the doctor—"
Don't touch me.
Get your hands off me.
"Haru—Haru—"
They keep repeating my name.
Mina's face flashes in my mind—
that smile—
that whisper—
"Open your eyes…"
A choked yell escapes me as I shove my mother back.
She gasps.
"GET AWAY! All of you!" I shout, clutching my head.
"Leave me alone—"
Pain throbs everywhere.
Silence freezes the room.
Then—
My mother taps my father's arm—
a quiet signal.
He looks torn—confused—but stands with her.
They walk to the door.
Before leaving, Dad looks back.
"I don't know what happened, son… but if you need to talk about anything… we're always here."
I look up—
but he's already walking out.
The door closes.
My body trembles.
My legs curl up.
Tears follow.
Why…
Why is this happening to me?
I did nothing wrong.
Nothing.
…
That night is a blur.
So are the days after.
I'm discharged today.
I don't look my father in the eyes when he picks me up.
Starts the engine and drive.
Don't speak.
Don't breathe.
Just exist.
"Your mother wanted to come," he says quietly, hand on the steering wheel.
"She stayed at the hospital every day but her job needed her. I hope you can understand, son."
I don't answer.
"Don't pretend like you care," I mutter to myself.
The 25-minute drive is silent except for his occasional glance at me in the mirror.
We arrive home.
He forces a soft smile.
"Haru… why don't you head inside? I'll park."
I nod weakly, open the door.
"Haru?" he says suddenly.
I freeze.
"I love you, son."
My eyes snap to him.
My heart thumps painfully.
I want to cry again—
but I have no tears left.
"I… I love you too," I whisper, stepping out quickly and shutting the door.
I walk inside.
Close the gate.
Enter the house.
He hasn't said that in years.
Believe it or not.
Mom and Dad fought constantly when I was in middle school.
A memory slips in—
Mom wants to leave for the States.
Alone.
Without us.
Another memory—
Me sneaking downstairs—
hearing things thrown, things breaking.
"I hate you and I hate this damn family!"
Her voice.
Loud.
Sharp.
Dad grabbing her shoulders—
"Why would you say that?! What if Haru heard?!"
"I don't care!" she screamed.
I leaned in too far—
and fell face-first into their room.
Silence.
Dad stared at me.
Mom froze.
I stood up—
looked at them both—
Then I cried.
Ran upstairs.
Neither of them came after me.
Not even the next day.
Like it never happened.
Like I didn't exist.
That's when I learned
I was alone.
And I had to follow along.
Pretend.
Hide myself.
It was the only thing that felt normal.
My mind snaps back as I reach my front door.
I unlock it.
Go upstairs.
My room is still the same.
My phone sits on my desk.
I stare at it.
I want to ignore it.
Bzzzt.
Bzzzzt.
It vibrates.
My stomach drops.
Ignore it.
Ignore it.
But the screen keeps glowing.
Buzzing.
Bzzz.
Bzz.
…Shit.
I walk to the desk slowly.
Pick up the phone.
The screen lights—
My breath stops.
99+ notifications from Mina.
No.
No.
I don't want to deal with this.
I don't.