Chapter 7 — Meme God Horatio
King's Cross Station, London.
A small boy pushed a trolley through the crowd, radiating such intense resentment that passing travelers shivered without knowing why.
"That old man actually abandoned me in the middle of a Muggle station… If I don't crank up the difficulty on Dumbledore's life, then what's the point of having alchemy talent?" Horatio muttered darkly.
He stopped between Platforms 9 and 10, in front of the third pillar.
"This should be it."
He adjusted his angle, braced himself—
"ORA—!"ORA—!"ORA—!"
BANG.
In a flurry of cat screeches, owl hoots, and raven insults, Horatio bounced off the pillar, slid onto the floor, patted the dust off himself, and stood up with a deadpan expression.
"Right and wrong no longer matter. Since my dignity is gone, this world no longer deserves to exist. Heaven and Earth shall perish together—"
He reached into his pouch, ready to pull out something extremely unwise—
"Oh, child—wrong pillar. It's the third from the back, not the front."
A gentle female voice interrupted him.
A graceful woman approached.
"You must be a Hogwarts first-year. My daughter went in just now."
She pointed to another pillar.
"If you see her at school, take care of her for me. Her name is Hermione Granger."
(T/N: Heheh....)
On the Hogwarts Express
A small girl dragged her heavy luggage, opened the door of a compartment—
And froze.
A boy sat by the window in a black coat embroidered with red clouds.
A sleek black cat rested on his lap.
A snowy owl and a raven perched on his shoulders.
He flipped calmly through a book, sunlight catching in his dark hair and blue eyes.
Elegant.
Mysterious.
Deadly handsome.
The girl's brain blue-screened.
She eventually stammered, "Um… is this seat taken?"
"Go ahead," the boy said without looking up.
After settling her things, she sat down nervously.
"H-hello, I'm Hannah Abbott. Can we be friends?"
Horatio finally raised his eyes, studied her—then snapped his book shut.
He grabbed a sheet of paper.
"Your Majesty of the Iron Throne, could you please sign here? And add: 'This book is officially certified by the Mother of Dragons.'"
(T/N: Horatio calling Hannah "Iron Throne" means:
He thinks she entered the train with the aura of a final boss / monarch,so he humorously knelt to her like she's the ruler of Westeros. Technically a chinese meme.
Chinese internet jokers like to call:
anyone important
anyone suddenly appearing
anyone with a majestic introduction
→ "Iron Throne-sama" (鐵王座大人)
Meaning:
"Oh mighty ruler!"
"Oh great sovereign!"
"Your majesty the Iron Throne!"
It's a parody title)
Hannah had no clue what he meant, but she obediently signed.
Horatio folded the paper like a national treasure.
"I'm Horatio Quibble. Nice to meet you."
They were discussing how to run a bar when the compartment door slammed open.
"Have either of you seen a toad named Trevor?"
"Whoa! Hannah, look! A beaver gained sentience! This magical world is incredible!"
Hermione Granger's forehead sprouted a tic mark. A very angry beaver marched up to Horatio and uppercut him in the stomach.
KO-!!!!
"Guh—! Young witch, have you no martial ethics? Attacking a small boy like this?"
He curled over in pain.
After a long moment, Horatio straightened up again.
"So… why're you looking for a toad? Going to kiss it and turn it into a prince?"
Hermione raised her fist for Round 2, but a timid voice called from behind:
"Um… Trevor is my pet. Hermione's helping me find him…"
A round-faced boy stood at the doorway.
Horatio blinked, then looked at his owl Isis.
"Isis, isn't this your long-lost cousin?"
"???"
(T/N: Horatio thinks Neville's timid, silly expression looks like his bird's expression. He looked so lost and soft that Horatio's brain automatically filed him under 'bird family.'"
So According to Sir Horatio ,"Bird species: round-faced small herbivore = Nevil.
Thus Family connection = certified.")
"Ahem. Enough joking."
He stood up, flicked his robe—his black coat turning into a white robe in a swirl of runes.
He approached Neville solemnly.
"Young wizard… did you lose this golden toad?"
A shining gold toad appeared in his right hand.
"Or this silver toad?"
A shimmering silver toad appeared in his left.
"Or… this ordinary gold-backed toad?"
A very confused real toad floated out from behind the luggage.
"Trevor!! Thank you, that one's mine!"
Horatio beamed.
"Ahh, such honesty!
These two are yours as well!"
And before Neville could protest, Horatio shoved the gold and silver toads into his arms and kicked him gently out of the compartment like a benevolent river deity fulfilling a moral lesson.
Hermione stared at him.
"How did you DO that? Are you from a wizarding family?"
Horatio grinned smugly.
"Heh… Uncle Horatio is pleased you care, but Uncle does not like that nickname."
Hermione cracked her knuckles.
Horatio raised both hands.
"Wait, wait—long story short: I was eating hotpot and singing karaoke at the orphanage when a certain old man appeared—"
"GET TO THE MAIN POINT! DAMN IT!"
"Fine, fine! Dumbledore kidnapped me before school and dumped me on an old guy named Nicolas Flamel.
I served as their house-elf for a month and picked up some tricks."
Hermione grabbed her hair in despair.
"This is so unfair! How do YOU get to learn real magic before school while I can only read books?!"
From a corner, Hannah quietly raised her hand.
"Um… I don't know any magic either…"
"..."
Hermione stomped out of the compartment—then stuck her head back in.
"Hey! What's your name?"
"Horatio Quibble."
"I'm Hermione Granger. I'll surpass you at school."
Horatio waved lazily, "Yeah, yeah, good luck."
"Hmph!!!"
After a really really long time for Horatio ofcourse,
The train slowed to a halt.
Horatio and Hannah changed into their uniforms and stepped off the train.
A huge figure holding a lantern called out:
"First years, over 'ere!"
Horatio's eyes lit up.
He zipped to the giant man's side and tugged his coat.
"You must be Hagrid! Dumbledore talked about you."
Hagrid blinked down at him.
"Er… and you are?"
"Oh! I'm Horatio Quibble. You're really tall.
Say… are you a giant?"
"No, I'm half-giant. My dad was a wizard. My mum was a giant."
A question mark appeared above Horatio's head.
"…Sir, that's a heroic feat I'm not emotionally prepared to unpack.But impressive."
Hagrid laughed.
"Well, I know an elegant lady giant. I'll introduce you someday!"
"Really? I'd love that!"
***
T/N: In this fic there are so many Chinese meme/Jokes which may be hard for you guys to understand or do you guys not mind it.
Should I still continue to explain ,so that everyone could understand the comedies.