Lucien Klein
I stopped reminiscing about what happened before when I heard a knock on my door. It had to be Kaius. Instantly, my heart began to race, pounding so loudly in my chest that it felt hard to breathe. I didn't know why he suddenly wanted to come over, but whatever his reason was, it didn't matter anymore.
All that mattered now was Kaius's presence, having him here with me, even just for a little while. After all that waiting and hoping, I finally had the person I loved standing on the other side of my door.
After that night, everything shifted. After years of waiting and longing, it finally happened. I never imagined the day would come when I'd actually get to talk to him, let alone have his number saved in my phone. It might not have been the happiest memory, not with how we met and the circumstances surrounding it, but I cherished it anyway. Just knowing I could reach out and hear his voice made everything feel a little brighter.
The days that followed felt like something out of a dream. Every day, we found ourselves caught up in conversation, trading small pieces of our lives through messages and late-night calls. I looked forward to every moment, every word, every laugh we shared. For the first time in so long, it felt like my life was finally turning around, like I was living in the best days I'd ever had.
And then, one day, everything changed.. again.
His name started appearing less and less on my screen. At first, I told myself he was just busy, that he would reply when he could. But days turned into weeks, and the silence between us grew heavier. I lost contact with Kaius. Day after day, the urge to call or even send a simple message gnawed at me, but I could never quite bring myself to do it. The truth was, we were still strangers in so many ways.
No… deep down, I was still invisible to him. I was just another passing face.
For days, I went back and forth in my head, wondering if I should be the one to reach out. Tonight, I finally decided I would. On my way to the restobar where I was supposed to meet Nathan and Jiro, I walked with my phone already in my hand, his name hovering on my screen as I tried to find the courage to type the first word.
Just as I reached the entrance, I don't know why my eyes drifted toward the clear window as if the universe wanted to tell me something.
And that was when I saw them. Kaius and Julian.
They were tucked away in a corner, sitting close.. too close to be anything but what they were. Kaius was leaning in, listening to Julian with that soft, familiar smile on his lips. There was a light in his eyes: warm, open, and painfully genuine every time he spoke to his boyfriend. I saw how deeply he cared, how content he looked, how completely loved he must have felt, even though he knew the person beside him was never truly honest. At that moment, he looked exactly the way I had always wanted him to look when he was with me.. Happy.
My heart dropped.
The world outside the glass kept moving as if nothing had happened, but inside me, everything went quiet and dull. My phone slipped lower in my hand, the unsent message glaring at me like a cruel joke. All the little scenarios I had imagined; him picking up my call, replying to my texts, maybe asking to see me again.. shattered in an instant.
He had already gone back to him.
And at that moment, I understood. Everything he had told me that night suddenly made sense.
By the time Nathan and Jiro arrived, I had already stepped away from the window, forcing my expression into something that wouldn't give me away.
"Hey, Lucien, we're—"
"We're leaving," I cut in, my voice flat. "Or… let's just go somewhere else. Not here."
Jiro frowned. "What? I thought we were meeting here. I've been craving their pasta since last week! What's going on?"
"Please," I said, already turning my back on the entrance. "I don't want to stay. It's too crowded. Let's just go."
They didn't understand at first, but they followed. It was only when we passed the side of the building, where a larger clear window revealed more of the inside, that everything clicked for them. From where we stood, Kaius and Julian were just silhouettes framed by warm light, two figures leaning in toward each other, close and familiar. Even blurred by the glass, the intimacy was obvious.
No one said a word.
We ended up in a bar a few streets away. The lights were dimmer, the music louder, the air thick with alcohol and smoke. I went straight for the strongest drink I could order. Then another. And another.
I wasn't drinking to unwind. I was drinking to feel anything but this.
"Why couldn't it just be me?" The words tore themselves out of my throat, rough and broken. "We both know Julian is a cheating bastard. So why is it still him? Why is it always him?"
I let out a bitter laugh that hurt on the way out. "I was the one who stayed when he hit rock bottom. I was the one who sat with him in the dark, who listened to everything, who held all his hurt. But in the end… I'm still the extra. I'm still the one he never chooses."
The more I spoke, the more it felt like ripping open a wound that never had the chance to heal. I could feel people glancing at us, but I didn't care. For once, I stopped pretending that being in the background was enough.
Nathan and Jiro stayed close. They didn't tell me to calm down, didn't tell me to move on, didn't feed me empty lines about how I deserved better. They just let me cry, let me curse Julian's name, let me fall apart in the only way I knew how. They let me grieve for a love that had never truly been mine.
That night, the version of us I'd built in my head finally crumbled.
The next day, it was as if nothing had happened.
I woke up, dragged myself to work, ordered my usual coffee, went home, and sometimes, I drank again. Work, coffee, home, the occasional night out.. my life slid back into its old rhythm like a well-worn routine. I laughed when I needed to, replied to messages, met deadlines, played my part.
But underneath it all, the hurt stayed. It didn't disappear; it just sank deeper, settling into the quiet places inside me that no one ever saw.
Everyday I would be reminded that he had already gone back to him. They were together again. It hurts to see him so happy with someone I knew was wrong for him. My chest aches every time I remember Kaius's smile, every time I'm reminded of that joy on his face, the kind of happiness I knew I could never give him. He looked at his boyfriend with so much hope, even if that hope was misplaced.
And maybe that's the thing about loving someone: sometimes, the pain of watching from the back is still easier to bear than the thought of them suffering without you there to help.
That was when I finally accepted something I had been denying for months. I had been there for him at his lowest, but I was still not enough.. not the one who could give him the happiness he truly wanted. Even now, I had already lost.
Nothing had changed. I was still the extra, the supporting role in the story he kept building with someone else, quietly loving from the shadows and wishing, uselessly, that things could have been different.