INT. BOB'S BURGERS — LATE MORNING
(The lunch lull is trying to happen, but it's not winning. Two regulars hover over fries like they're in a support group. BOB wipes the counter with the exhausted focus of a man polishing a sinking ship.)
(TINA is at the register. The tip jar is still there, taped label: "HORSE FUND." She adjusts it so it's perfectly centered, like it's a religious object.)
(GENE's behind the counter in his regular burger outfit—not full Burgersquatch, just the costume head propped nearby like an idol. He flips a spatula like he's on stage.)
(TEDDY sits at the counter, angled just enough toward the window so anyone walking by can see his profile. He's doing that thing where he looks humble on purpose.)
(TEEN #1 and TEEN #2 from this morning are back. They're joined by TEEN #3, who is absolutely here to watch something go wrong.)
TEEN #1 (holding up phone)
Okay, so we came back because—like—your place is trending.
BOB (stares)
That's… not… good, is it.
TEEN #2
It's kind of good. In a "this will haunt you" way.
TEDDY (grinning, trying to be casual)
Is it the Shark Puncher stuff?
TEEN #3 (reading, delighted)
So apparently "Shark Puncher" is like… a cannibal hero?
(Bob's rag stops moving.)
BOB
No. No. We're not doing that. We're not doing "cannibal hero."
TEDDY (modest shrug, absolutely doing that)
I mean, I'm not not a hero.
BOB
Teddy. Please don't "not not" cannibalism.
GENE (leaning in, loud stage whisper)
New band name: Not Not Cannibalism.
LINDA (from the kitchen, singsong)
Gene, nooooo—
GENE (shouting back)
Gene, yesssss!
(Tina calmly slides a receipt into the register like it contains state secrets.)
TINA
Rumors are like horses. They run wild, and then they die in a field.
BOB
Tina—
TINA (gesticulating wildly)
And everyone pretends they didn't feed them sugar.
(Teen #1 swivels their phone so Bob can see. On-screen: a shaky video of Teddy standing by the wreckage from earlier, with the caption "SHARK PUNCHER SAVES CITY AGAIN". Under it, comments scroll like a curse.)
TEEN #1
Look at these comments.
TEEN #2 (reading fast)
"Shark Puncher eats monsters."
"Belcher burgers are human meat."
"Oh my god that's why that homeless guy is a robot now."
(Bob's mouth opens. Nothing comes out. Then—)
BOB
What.
TEEN #3
Yeah. People are saying you… made him into burgers?
BOB (stumbling)
No. I—what? No. That's—no.
TEDDY (earnest, nodding as if explaining a misunderstanding)
Bob doesn't do that. He wouldn't do that. He's… not that kind of burger guy.
BOB (stares at Teddy)
There are kinds?
TEEN #1
We're not buying food from the guy who sells human meat.
BOB (laughs once, dead)
Cool. Great. Love that for me.
GENE
Dad, they think you're the Meat Batman.
LOUISE (perking up from under the counter; she was absolutely there)
Meatman. That's actually kind of catchy.
BOB
Louise, no.
LOUISE
What? I'm just saying—if you're gonna be accused of something, at least get a cool name out of it. Like "The Ground Chuckler."
BOB
No one is calling me that.
LOUISE
Give it time. The internet is horny for wordplay.
(Linda emerges from the kitchen with a basket of fries for a table. She clocks the teens, clocks Bob's face, clocks Teddy's smugness.)
LINDA
Ohhh, what's going on up here? Why does it feel like a school meeting?
BOB
They think I'm selling human meat.
(Linda freezes for a moment.)
LINDA
…Okay! Fun! That's fun! That's a fun thing to think!
TEEN #2
It's not fun. It's like… illegal.
LINDA
It's also… not true, sweetheart.
TEEN #3
Then why are people saying it.
LOUISE
Because people are bored and scared and they love a little story snack.
BOB
Louise.
LOUISE
What? I'm not wrong. The rumor economy is thriving.
TINA (taps the tip jar once, like she's taking attendance)
The rumor economy is like a horse economy. It's unstable but emotionally compelling.
BOB
Okay. Everyone. Stop with horses.
TINA
I can't. The jar needs me.
(Bob takes a breath like he's trying to keep his blood pressure from leaving his body.)
BOB
Listen. I don't sell human meat. I sell beef. Regular beef. Normal beef.
TEEN #1
Then say where you get it.
BOB
Where I get it?
TEEN #2
Yeah. Like, prove it.
BOB
I get it from… the store. The restaurant supply store. Like… like a normal restaurant.
TEEN #3 (squinting)
That sounds like what someone would say if they got it from… a guy.
BOB
No. Not a guy. A store. A business. A—
(he gestures helplessly)
—building.
GENE
Dad's meat comes from a meat building. It's very official. They wear hats.
BOB
Gene.
GENE
What? I'm helping! I'm a helper sandwich.
TEDDY (concerned, to teens)
Look, I've been eating Bob's burgers for years. If it was human, I would know.
BOB
How?
TEDDY
Because I'm… a man of taste.
LOUISE
He can taste fear in mayonnaise.
TEDDY (defensive)
That was one time and it was rancid!
TEEN #1
But what about Mickey?
(Bob's eye twitches. Just a little, but everyone sees it.)
TEEN #2
Yeah. Why is he a robot now?
BOB
Because—because he's—
(stuck)
—that's a question for… science? He's… a science Mickey.
GENE
Science Mickey: half man, half machine, all "borrowed boat energy."
LINDA
Gene!
GENE
What? It's respectful!
TEDDY (helpful, nodding)
Yeah, science Mickey. Bob definitely didn't cut him up.
(Bob turns his head slowly toward Teddy with the energy of a man approaching a cliff edge.)
BOB (hissing)
Why would you say it like that.
TEDDY
Because it's… reassuring.
BOB
It's not.
TEDDY (to teens, earnest)
It's like when you say "I definitely didn't eat your leftovers." It makes people calm.
BOB
That makes people suspicious, Teddy.
TEEN #3
So you do eat people's leftovers.
BOB
No! I—
(beat)
I mean—sometimes I eat food. That's in my house. From my fridge. Not people.
LOUISE
Dad, you're spiraling.
BOB
I'm not spiraling. I'm explaining. There's a difference.
TINA
There is. Spiraling is more graceful. Like a horse doing ballet.
BOB
Tina!
TEEN #1 (raises their phone again, already recording. The camera light is on.)
Say "I don't sell human meat" again. But like… louder.
BOB
I'm not performing my innocence for your phone.
TEEN #2
That sounds guilty.
BOB
That sounds—
(he stops, pinches the bridge of his nose)
—fine. Fine. I don't sell human meat. I sell beef. Cow beef.
TEEN #3
What kind of cow.
BOB (blinks)
What.
TEEN #3
Like… what kind. Grass-fed? Free-range? Name? Background? Hobbies?
BOB
Cows don't have hobbies.
GENE
False. Cows love… jazz.
LINDA
Gene, stop giving cows a personality, it's making it worse!
BOB
It's a normal cow. Regular cow. Standard-issue cow. From… a cow place.
LOUISE
The Cow Place. Population: cow.
BOB
Yes. Louise. The cow place.
TEEN #1
That's… super specific in a weird way.
BOB
It's not weird. It's normal. It's too normal. That's the point.
TEDDY (leaning in, confidential)
Bob's meat is normal. I've seen it. He's got it in the back, sometimes it's in a box that says "MEAT."
BOB
Teddy, please stop testifying.
TEDDY
I'm not testifying! I'm… vouching.
GENE
New job: Teddy the Vouch Goblin.
TEDDY
I don't like that.
GENE
You love it. I can tell because you're still sitting here.
(Linda steps between Bob and the teens like a mom at a PTA meeting.)
LINDA
Okay, okay, okay. You kids are hungry, right? Hungry kids say crazy stuff. How about I get you a nice order of fries and you relax your little thumbs.
TEEN #2
We're not eating here.
LINDA
What about just fries? Fries are basically… neutral.
TEEN #3
Fries could be cooked in human grease.
(Linda's smile gets tight.)
LINDA
Okay, wow. That's—
(beat)
—that's a sentence.
TINA
Human grease sounds like an indie band that only plays barns.
BOB
Stop.
(Teen #1 points at Teddy, excited.)
TEEN #1
Wait, if Shark Puncher is here… are we in danger?
TEDDY (stands a little, heroic posture)
No, no. You're safe. I'm on duty.
BOB
You're not on duty.
TEDDY
I'm always on duty, Bob. That's what being a hero is.
LOUISE
That's what being unemployed is.
TEDDY
Hey.
(Door jingles. Everyone turns. Enter HUGO with his clipboard held like a weapon. He has that expression like he's been waiting to say a thing all day.)
HUGO
Robert Belcher.
(Bob deflates on sight.)
BOB (weak)
Hugo.
(Hugo looks at the teens, pleased—like he's seeing civic engagement in the wild.)
HUGO
Thank you for your report, concerned citizens.
BOB
They didn't— they're not— did you call them?
(Hugo flips a page, already in his rhythm.)
HUGO
I received multiple tips that this establishment is serving "long pork."
BOB
No! No long pork! No pork at all today, actually, we're— we're out of—
(he realizes how that sounds)
—not because it's people! Because it's— because I didn't order pork!
HUGO
Also…
(Hugo's eyes drift to Teddy. Teddy straightens like he's about to be knighted.)
HUGO
…hero activity without registration.
TEDDY (brightening)
That's me!
(Hugo dead-stares him like he's a stain that learned to speak.)
HUGO
That's… a lot of you, yes.
(Bob closes his eyes like he's trying to go unconscious out of pure annoyance.)
BOB (to himself)
I can't… I can't do this today.
LOUISE (quiet, thrilled)
Yes you can. This is going great.
TINA
This is like watching a horse walk into a lawsuit.
(Bob opens his eyes, already regretting it.)
BOB
Tina. No more horses.
TINA (soft)
I hear you.
(Beat.)
TINA
But the jar doesn't.
(Hugo snaps his pen, ready.)
HUGO
Now, Robert. Let's talk about your meat situation.
(Bob stares at him. A long, helpless beat.)
BOB
…My what situation.
CUT TO BLACK.