INT. BOB'S BURGERS — EARLY AFTERNOON
(The restaurant looks like a low-budget campaign office. A tray of toothpick samples sits on the counter. A hand-lettered sign reads: "FREE SAMPLES (NOT HUMAN)." Someone has added in smaller letters: "PROBABLY.")
(BOB stares at the sign, pinching the bridge of his nose.)
BOB
Who wrote "probably."
LOUISE(innocent)
No one wrote "probably." The sign has always said "probably." You're just finally seeing the truth.
BOB
It did not always say probably.
GENE(already in the burger costume)
The truth is delicious, Dad.
(TINA adjusts the HORSE FUND jar like she's aligning a satellite dish.)
TINA
If we clear your name, will the internet move on.
BOB
No.
TINA
Okay.
(LINDA appears with a stack of napkins and a marker.)
LINDA
I made little flyers! "COME TRY A BELCHER BURGER. IT'S NOT PEOPLE!" Isn't that fun?
BOB
Linda, you can't— we can't put "it's not people" on a flyer.
LINDA
Why? It's accurate! People love accuracy. That's why they watch the news and don't scream.
BOB
People scream at the news.
(beat)
LINDA
That's true. They do.
(BOB picks up a sample tray like it's radioactive.)
BOB
We're just handing out burgers. Normal burgers. Like normal people.
GENE
Normal people don't have to say "normal" this much.
BOB
Gene.
(GENE salutes with a spatula through the costume head hole.)
GENE
Yes, Captain Cow.
(TEDDY barges in wearing a cheap "SHARK PUNCHER" lanyard he definitely made himself. It looks like it was laminated in a bathtub.)
TEDDY
Okay! Street team is here! I'm ready!
BOB
Teddy, why are you dressed like you're about to keynote a convention.
TEDDY
Because I'm PR.
BOB
You're not PR.
TEDDY
I'm security.
BOB
You're not security.
TEDDY
And I'm the hero.
BOB
You're— you're… you're a guy who knows where my spatulas are.
TEDDY(proud)
That's like… sidekick knowledge.
LOUISE
Dad, let him come. If the rumor gets worse, we'll have more to work with.
BOB
We don't want it worse.
LOUISE
That's quitter talk.
LINDA (clapping)
Okay! You boys go clear your name! Bring home money and dignity!
BOB
We're not bringing home dignity.
LINDA
Try!
(BOB trudges toward the door. TEDDY follows. GENE waddles behind them in the burger costume like a doomed mascot.)
LOUISE(calling after)
Remember: do NOT mention Mickey. Or Mort. Or the word "flesh." Or the word "long."
BOB(already leaving)
Great. Great list. Very helpful.
CUT TO:
EXT. WONDER WHARF — DAY
(The wharf is busy. Sea gulls scream like they're also online. BOB holds the tray of samples tight to his chest. TEDDY walks beside him like a parade marshal. GENE lumbers behind, waving a tiny flag that says "FREE.")
GENE (calling out)
Free samples! They're not human! We swear on… uh… horses!
BOB
Don't bring horses into it.
(A WOMAN with a stroller stops, eyes narrowing.)
WOMAN
Is this… long pork.
BOB
No.
WOMAN
You said that fast.
BOB
Because I know the answer.
WOMAN
Do you.
BOB
Yes. It's beef. It's— it's cow.
WOMAN
What kind of cow.
BOB (tired)
A normal cow.
WOMAN
Mmm.
(She takes one, sniffs it, bites. Her face changes.)
WOMAN (quietly)
…That's really good.
BOB(hopeful)
Thank you.
WOMAN (suddenly loud, to her stroller like it's a witness)
It tastes like… normal food.
BOB
Yes.
WOMAN
But what if that's what people taste like and we just don't know.
BOB
Okay— nope— okay, have a good day.
(TEDDY leans in like he's about to ruin everything.)
TEDDY
I've had a lot of meat in my life. You'd know if it was human.
BOB
Please stop saying "human."
TEDDY
I'm reassuring her.
WOMAN
How would you know.
TEDDY (confident)
Because I'm the Shark Puncher.
WOMAN
Oh my god.
(Instantly she pulls out her phone.)
WOMAN
Can I get a picture.
TEDDY
Of course. But just so you know, I'm not doing autographs right now because I'm on duty.
BOB(under his breath)
You are not on duty.
(Two TEENS in black hoodies approach, thrilled.)
TEEN #4
Is this the cannibal burger place.
BOB
No.
TEEN #4
That's so disappointing.
TEEN #5
Wait, is it… like… cannibal-adjacent.
BOB
No.
TEEN #5
Okay but that would be kind of iconic.
GENE
It's not cannibal. It's… canna-best. Like cannabis but burgers.
BOB
Gene.
GENE
What? I'm pivoting.
(TEEN #4 takes a sample, bites, eyes widen.)
TEEN #4
Oh my god. It's, like, so… real.
BOB
It's just a burger.
TEEN #4
Yeah but like… it feels illegal.
BOB
It's not illegal!
TEEN #5(already filming)
He's yelling. If it's not human, why are you yelling.
BOB
Because you're accusing me of crimes!
TEEN #5
That's what criminals say.
BOB
No, that's what… people… say… when they're tired.
(TEDDY tries to help by nodding solemnly at the camera.)
TEDDY
He's tired because he's been… through a lot. Saving the city.
BOB
Teddy, stop making it sound like a cover-up.
TEDDY
It's not a cover-up. It's a… reveal-up.
BOB
That's not a—
GENE(singing, improvised)
It's not people, it's not people, it's not peeeeople!
BOB
Gene, stop doing a jingle about not serving people.
GENE
But it's catchy. People love a denial jingle.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE JIMMY PESTO'S — DAY
(JIMMY PESTO stands in the doorway like a smug gargoyle. TREV wipes menus. A couple of CUSTOMERS linger, watching BOB's traveling shame show.)
JIMMY PESTO
Well, well, well. Look who's doing charity work. Handing out "human-free" samples.
BOB
It's not human. It's beef. Normal beef.
JIMMY PESTO(to a customer)
Hear that? "Normal beef." That's what my lawyer says right before he quits.
BOB
Nobody is quitting.
TREV(half-raising a hand)
I am considering it.
(JIMMY leans forward, stage-whispering to his customers.)
JIMMY PESTO
You guys, I heard he turned that homeless guy into a robot so he could… reuse the parts.
BOB
That's not— that's not what—
TEDDY (loud, helpful)
He didn't turn him into a robot! Mickey did that to himself! Sort of! With… science!
(BOB's head snaps toward TEDDY.)
BOB
WHY WOULD YOU SAY IT LIKE THAT.
JIMMY PESTO
Ohhh. "With science." Very believable. Like vaccines.
BOB
Vaccines are believable!
JIMMY PESTO
Sure, Bob. Sure.
(GENE steps forward in the burger costume, doing a little shuffle like he's about to do crowd work.)
GENE
Free sample for anyone who isn't emotionally allergic to facts!
(A CUSTOMER takes one, bites, visibly impressed, then immediately becomes suspicious again.)
CUSTOMER
This is good.
BOB
Thank you.
CUSTOMER
That's… concerning.
BOB
Why is it concerning that it's good.
CUSTOMER
Because if it was bad I wouldn't have to think about it.
BOB
That's not— okay—
(JIMMY laughs, pointing at BOB.)
JIMMY PESTO
He's sweating. You don't sweat like that unless you're hiding bodies.
BOB
I sweat like this because I'm outside and it's summer and I have kids.
JIMMY PESTO
Nice try, Meatman.
(BOB flinches like the word physically hit him.)
GENE (to BOB, confidential)
Meatman's sticking. We should get merch.
BOB
No merch.
TEDDY
We could do hats.
BOB
No hats!
(beat)
TEDDY(hurt)
Okay.
(He immediately starts eyeing his own head like he's designing a hat anyway.)
CUT TO:
EXT. THE PIER — LATER
(The trio has moved to the pier. BOB's tray is lighter. His soul is heavier. A TOURIST FAMILY approaches.)
DAD TOURIST
Oh! Free samples. Honey, do you want—
MOM TOURIST(grim)
Is it long pork...?
BOB
No.
KID TOURIST
What's long pork?
BOB
Nothing. Don't learn it.
KID TOURIST (eyes narrow at BOB)
I'm learning it.
BOB
Okay, great.
(TEDDY waves at the kid like he's about to ruin their childhood.)
TEDDY
It's when people—
BOB
Teddy.
TEDDY
—when people… don't eat pork.
BOB
Yes. That's exactly it. It's when people don't eat pork. Great job.
(Tourist Dad takes a sample, bites.)
DAD TOURIST
Wow. This is really good.
BOB(small win)
Thanks.
MOM TOURIST
It tastes… familiar.
BOB
It tastes like… beef.
MOM TOURIST
Or… like someone's uncle.
BOB
What.
MOM TOURIST
My uncle makes burgers. He's… missing.
BOB
Oh my god.
TEDDY(trying to reassure, accidentally terrifying)
Listen, ma'am, if your uncle was missing, you would smell it. Like… in the air. Heroes can tell.
BOB
Heroes can't tell!
TEDDY
I can.
BOB
You can't!
(Two COLLEGE KIDS nearby overhear and stroll over, interested.)
COLLEGE KID #1
Wait. Is this the cannibal place.
COLLEGE KID #2(excited)
Oh my god. That's so punk.
BOB
It's not punk. It's… a burger.
COLLEGE KID #1
Do you guys have like… a secret menu.
GENE
We have a secret menu item called "The Don't Sue Us." It's just water.
COLLEGE KID #2
That's hilarious. I love it. Give me two.
(BOB starts to protest, stops. Hands them samples like he's giving up pieces of himself.)
BOB
Here. Please enjoy your… non-lawsuit burger.
COLLEGE KID #2(already posting)
This is so edgy. "Non-lawsuit burger." Iconic.
BOB(to himself)
I hate my life.
(TEDDY spots someone filming and tries to angle himself into frame.)
TEDDY
Make sure you get my good side.
BOB
You don't have a good side.
TEDDY(offended)
Wow.
BOB
Sorry. I'm sorry. You have… a side. You have a side.
TEDDY
Thank you.
CUT TO:
INT. MORT'S FUNERAL HOME — AFTERNOON
(The funeral home is quiet in that "no one should be loud in here" way. Soft music plays. A brochure rack stands like a judgmental librarian.)
(BOB enters carrying a paper bag of food. It's folded tight. It could be anything. Unfortunately, it looks exactly like "meat.")
BOB (low voice)
Mort?
(MORT pops his head out from behind a door marked "AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY." He's wearing safety goggles and rubber gloves, like a mortician who got bored and became a scientist.)
MORT (cheery, whispering)
Bob! Hi! You're… loud. But hi.
BOB
Sorry. I brought you lunch. As a… thanks. For— you know— helping.
MORT
Oh. That's nice. That's very… alive of you.
(MORT takes the bag with both hands like it's a baby.)
MORT
Come on. He's in the back.
BOB
Who's "he."
MORT(matter-of-fact)
Mickey. Don't worry, not like… all the way in the back. I'm not keeping him with the bodies. That's disrespectful.
BOB
Thank you.
MORT
Also confusing.
(They head toward the back. The door swings open just enough to reveal a glimpse: a workbench, wires, a half-assembled metal arm, and MICKEY sitting there—shirt off, torso plated, missing an arm, eating chips with his remaining hand like nothing is weird.)
MICKEY
Hey, Bob.
BOB
Hey.
(beat)
BOB
How… are you.
MICKEY
Good. Hungry. Also slightly… more aerodynamic.
BOB
Great.
MORT(proud)
I'm doing some upgrades. I'm not saying "cybernetic hero," but…
MICKEY
He said "cybernetic hero" earlier. Like six times.
MORT
I get excited.
BOB
Okay. Great. I'm glad you're… working on him. In a… normal way.
MICKEY
Normal-ish.
(BOB points vaguely at the metal arm.)
BOB
Is that… his.
MORT
That's his. That's a spare. Also— this is important— not from a corpse.
BOB
Great.
MORT
Because I know what people would think.
BOB
Yes.
MORT
They'd think I'm… doing Frankenstein stuff.
BOB
Yes.
MORT
But I'm not. I'm doing… Kuseno stuff.
BOB
Sure. Okay. I'm going to pretend I get the reference.
(BOB exhales. Tries to relax. This is the calmest he's been all day.)
CUT TO:
EXT. MORT'S FUNERAL HOME — SAME TIME
(A PASSERBY stands across the street. It's one of the earlier TEENS, or a NOSY NEIGHBOR type. They see BOB enter with the folded paper bag. They raise their phone immediately.)
PASSERBY (whispering, thrilled)
Oh my god. He's delivering the meat… to the funeral home.
(They zoom in. The camera catches the sign: "MORT'S FUNERAL HOME." The folded bag. Bob's stressed face. That's all the internet needs.)
(On-screen text, as they type: "CONFIRMED: BELCHER GETS MEAT FROM FUNERAL HOME?")
CUT TO:
INT. MORT'S FUNERAL HOME — BACK ROOM — CONTINUOUS
(MORT opens the bag. Inside: burgers and fries.)
MORT(relieved)
Oh thank god. It's just food.
BOB
Yes.
MORT
For a second I thought you brought me… something else.
BOB
WHAT else would I—
MORT
I don't know! Everyone's saying you're doing… long pork.
BOB
Don't say it.
MORT
Sorry. Sorry. I forget you're… on the edge.
(MICKEY munches a fry.)
MICKEY
People think Bob's eating people?
BOB
Yes.
MICKEY
That's wild. You can barely finish a salad.
BOB
Thank you.
MICKEY
No, I mean like… emotionally. You give up halfway and stare at it.
BOB
Okay. Great.
(MORT pats Bob's shoulder like he's consoling a grieving widow.)
MORT
Don't worry. This will pass. The internet moves on.
BOB
It won't.
(beat)
MORT
Okay, yeah. It won't.
CUT TO:
INT. FISHOEDER ESTATE — SECURITY ROOM — DAY
(The room is cavernous and cold. Walls of monitors show Ocean Avenue like it's a nature documentary. FELIX FISCHOEDER paces in a silk robe, furious and energized in a way that should be illegal.)
(A HENCHMAN stands with a clipboard clutched to his chest like it's a flotation device.)
FELIX
The city is calling him a hero. A hero, in my city. My beautiful, filthy city.
HENCHMAN
Sir, you wanted the city disinfected.
FELIX(spins, manic)
Yes! But first— we make it a little dirty so the cleaning feels… earned.
HENCHMAN
So… what do you want me to do.
FELIX(screaming like this is obvious)
RELEASE IT.
HENCHMAN
…Release… what "it," sir?
FELIX
IT. THE IT. THE ONLY IT I'D REFER TO RIGHT NOW!
(HENCHMAN blinks, genuinely trying.)
(beat)
HENCHMAN
The… roomba?
FELIX
THE SEWER KING!
HENCHMAN
I thought you said we were against sewage.
FELIX(eyes glittering)
We are against it after it makes people panic. That's how power works!
(He SLAMS a button on the console.)
(Somewhere far below the city: a metal CLUNK. Then another. Like something ancient waking up annoyed.)
(The intercom BUZZES.)
DOROTHY (V.O.)(crisp, confused)
Mr. Fishoeder? Dr. Yap is here.
FELIX
Send him in. And tell him to bring his… whatever he does. His face. His face stuff.
(The door opens. DR. YAP steps in, immaculate, smug, carrying a small medical bag like he's doing house calls for rich lunatics.)
DR. YAP
Felix. I was in the middle of a facial. A very delicate facial.
FELIX
Perfect. Great. You can do the city next.
DR. YAP(offended)
The city has pores?
FELIX
Everything has pores if you look closely enough.
DR. YAP
I'm a dentist.
FELIX
And yet, you're here.
(DR. YAP looks at the monitors. He sees Teddy being filmed. Bob panicking. Free samples. Chaos. He frowns like he's diagnosing a rash.)
DR. YAP
You're letting the public get… sticky.
FELIX
Exactly! Sticky first. Then clean. It's the cycle of life.
DR. YAP
That's not a cycle. That's… you.
FELIX(delighted)
Thank you.
(HENCHMAN hesitates.)
HENCHMAN
Sir, about the Sewer King… won't that make it worse.
FELIX
Yes.
HENCHMAN
And then we clean it.
FELIX
Exactly! Look at you. Learning.
DR. YAP(dry)
This is going to be a nightmare.
FELIX
A clean nightmare. Eventually.
(Another CLUNK echoes up through the building, heavier this time.)
FELIX(smiling)
Oh. He's up.
CUT TO BLACK.