"The views from up here are truly beautiful"... That's what I thought as I watched the sunset in front of me.
The only downside was how strong the wind was blowing; at this time of year, the seasons were beginning to change.
I looked down and saw many people crossing the huge streets. About two hours earlier, I had left the university and headed straight here.
I had planned this moment for several months, even years. It was not the time to back down.
I was standing right on the edge of the roof. In front of me was nothing but a fall that would take my life instantly.
I turned slightly backward and looked at the door through which I had entered. I simply sighed as I closed my eyes.
Then I looked back at the sunset again, and without looking anywhere else, I let myself fall from that height.
How did I get to this point? Well, it basically started when I was born.
I was born twenty-two years ago into an average family of five: my two parents and my two younger siblings.
Everything was so normal from the beginning. My father worked as an electrician for a well-known company in my city, and my mother was a housewife.
My sister and I were attending the same elementary school at the time, and my younger brother was still a few months old.
Everything was normal, right? When I turned ten, my father had an accident at work and sadly died.
I still remember that day, how could I forget it... My mother was devastated, I remember she was like that for several months.
My sister was too, but for less time. My younger brother was still very young.
I don't remember how I reacted. I think I was in shock and couldn't comprehend what had happened.
I didn't cry, I didn't scream, I didn't do anything. My mother yelled at me for being so insensitive after my father's death.
I don't blame her. I don't know why I acted that way. "Everyone has their own way of reacting. Don't worry." Those were my aunt's words of comfort to me.
Thanks to the savings my father had made over several years, we were able to live normally for a few years, in addition to the monetary payment for the accident he had.
Obviously, we had to move out of our house. It wasn't a big house, but it was expensive for the area where we lived.
We moved to a small house on the outskirts of the city and had to say goodbye to our friends and family.
But there was no choice, not until I got a job and helped out at home. Even if my mother looked for work as a housekeeper, the pay was minimal.
It was better than nothing, right? The one who took all this badly was my younger sister. She had her friends and her life in the city. She had a big argument with our mother and ended up giving her the silent treatment.
With our father here, this shouldn't be happening. At that time, I was about twelve years old, and my sister was about ten.
We lived a normal life, so to speak, for the next few years, clearly on a shoestring budget, without spending too much and going to schools with little prestige.
Our only source of income was my mother. I needed to finish high school to get a job and help out at home, but even so, my mother decided that I had to choose a career to study.
According to her, it was the parents who had to bring money into the house, and the children should only worry about their future. If I managed to finish at a good university, I would have a better future ahead of me and could help her.
At that moment, I decided to listen to her. I didn't want to cause her any more problems than she already had.
My sister, on the other hand, entered a rebellious phase. She came home late and never gave any explanation.
She was about sixteen at the time, so I wouldn't be surprised if it was because of a boy.
I was in my last year of high school, so I couldn't get too involved in her life, or she would end up hating me.
My younger brother was finishing elementary school, and he acted calmly, seeming to understand the situation.
The last straw was when she started stealing money from our mother, and she had the nerve to blame me.
Even though I was the one who understood our family's situation best and helped our mother, she didn't hesitate to lecture me.
I felt outraged. To avoid fighting with either of them, I decided to ignore them. I was going to worry about myself.
"Why didn't you tell her the truth?" my sister asked me.
"I don't want the problems you have with our mother to end up making the situation worse. You're old enough, so act like it and help me out a little," I told her bluntly and curtly.
I don't know if she heard me or got angry, but she just left without saying anything. This girl was a headache.
It was even worse when I found her with a group of boys and girls in a not-so-busy area.
I had passed by there because I needed to buy something for school. I took advantage of the fact that I had left school and headed towards that area.
And there I found her, still wearing her school uniform, smoking... I reacted badly.
She was underage and already doing those things, especially with boys who didn't look good.
I ended up approaching them and snatching the cigarette from her mouth. Her reaction was expected.
"What the hell is wrong with you! What are you doing here anyway?" she said to me abruptly, as if I had done something wrong.
I got angry, "Shut up, you know the problems we have at home, and instead of helping out a little, you come here to smoke with these guys! These kinds of people won't do you any good in life, and you know it." I lectured her in front of everyone.
It seems that my comments angered the leader of the group, so to speak. "I don't know who the hell you think you are! Can't you see you're bothering us?"
"Who is this piece of shit?" was what I thought at that moment.
Look at my sister. Would I let a friend of hers talk to me like that? It seems so.
She didn't look me in the eye and just looked down while I stood there with my arms crossed. "When you get home, we'll talk about this," was all I said before I wanted to leave.
But the same guy from earlier grabbed my arm, and when I turned to look at him, he was staring at me with a mocking expression.
"You think you're such a great friend. Why don't you apologize to her and leave?" he demanded.
What's wrong with him? Can't he see that this is a conversation between siblings? Why is he getting involved? Does he like my sister?
If that was the case, I had to do something, otherwise she would end up with a jerk for a boyfriend. I grabbed his wrist and pulled his hand away from her shoulder.
He seemed intimidated by my reaction, but seeing that he was surrounded by his friends, he wasn't going to show weakness.
All I wanted to do was get him away from me and say a few things without resorting to violence. After all, they're minors and I'm already an adult compared to them.
But before I could say anything, he lunged at me. Without wasting any time, I dodged his fist, but it was too slow. Out of pure instinct, I punched him in the face, breaking his nose.
As soon as he fell to the ground, I realized I had screwed up... The others who were watching were scared when they saw the blood. My sister looked at me, not understanding what I had done.
I didn't run away or anything. I just called the ambulance and ended up getting arrested for hitting a minor.
My mother had to pay a large amount of money to get me out. Needless to say, she couldn't look me in the eye; she was disappointed in me.
I couldn't say anything to her either. I was ashamed of my actions. I didn't talk to my sister anymore.
I let her do whatever she wanted. Many times I ran into her again with the same group as before, but this time I ignored them and they ignored me.
When I turned twenty-one, I started college, and my sister, as I had predicted, got together with the same jerk I had hit and left home without leaving a note.
We went looking for her many times with the police, but she did the same thing over and over again. In the end, we stopped looking for her. I could see how tired our mother was.
That's when the family situation began to fall apart.
My mother became ill from stress and ended up in the hospital. The medical expenses were high, but we had our savings.
My aunt, who had given me those words of support many years ago, took care of my younger brother. He ended up living with her. He had school nearby, and it was one less expense for me, since I was now in charge of the house and money.
When I had time, I would visit him, but I didn't have a good relationship with him, apparently because I hadn't spent much time with him over the years.
I was upset by the situation, but I couldn't give up at this point. I kept all my pain inside and moved on, just as I hadn't cried when my father died.
***
I didn't see my sister anymore. My mother had died of a heart attack, and I wanted to adopt my brother, but my aunt wouldn't let me and ended up taking him away from me.
Supposedly because I wasn't in a position to take care of someone.
I ended up alone in a house where the four of us used to live. Money was tight, so I had to work while attending college.
I couldn't make friends or find a girlfriend either; I didn't have the time or money for that.
Over time, I started spending my money on drinks and spending entire nights lamenting my life.
That's why I ended up in this situation. That way I could rest and not see the situation I was living day after day.
Even in a situation like this, where I'm just a few feet away from hitting the cold ground, I don't feel like crying.
I don't feel anything.