SF Chapter 46: Berta
On Saturday morning, Charlie was asleep in his bedroom.
"Charlie? Honey, wake up," Berta said in her dry voice.
He spoke groggily, "good morning," still sleepy.
"You lied to me, Charlie," she accused him.
"You said it was just going to be the two of us," she pointed out. "Then your younger brother came along, even more vigorous than you."
"Hey," he exclaimed, annoyed, "when you get older, you become more selective."
"Is that so?" she scoffed. "Because I'm still only seeing dumb bimbos coming out of your room..."
But she continued, "I accepted it with all my big heart. Especially because he's paying more than you do."
"I don't even know why I'm talking to you, and not to my real boss..." she mocked. "Anyway, goodbye, Charlie."
"Wait, wait," he said, getting up. "Don't leave me, Berta. I love you," he remarked, seeing her already walking out of the room.
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Meanwhile, in the living room, Jake approached his uncle.
"What are you doing, Uncle Dan?" he asked, seeing his uncle sitting at a table full of drawing materials.
Daniel continued sketching. "I'm working."
"Cabin Fever," Jake read from what seemed to be the book's cover. "I'm going to eat. Do you want something, Uncle Dan?"
"No, thanks, Jake," he shook his head and started writing part of the story.
While his nephew headed to the kitchen, Charlie was pleading with Berta. "Can we talk about this?"
"What is this all about?" Dani turned to the two of them, who were coming down the stairs.
"Sorry, Daniel, but I'm out," she revealed. "I do single men only. I'm in, I'm out, there are no complications."
"What? No, no, no," he protested. "You can't leave us, Berta! And we are single!"
"There is nothing more single than Charlie and me. We are perfect bachelors!"
But then Alan appeared from the kitchen. "Berta? I hate to bring this up again, but you just... you cannot put the peanut butter in the refrigerator. It gets hard." He showed the jar he was holding.
"And, on a related subject, the peanut-butter stains on Jake's shirts really require an enzyme presoak."
"I hope you three will be very happy together," Berta said dryly.
"But who's going to take care of me?" Charlie asked. "Who's going to do the laundry, the shopping, and the cleaning and all the other stuff?"
Daniel also stepped closer to the door. "Who's going to take care of my babies?" he worried about his suits.
"Ask the Scrubbing Bubble there." Berta pointed to Alan, blew a kiss with her hand, and walked away.
"Nooooo!" Daniel made a scene.
Jake also came out of the kitchen. "Uncle Charlie, Uncle Dan, why is Berta leaving?"
"Why? It doesn't matter, Jake. What matters is she's gone." He kept staring at the door. "And we're all going to die."
[Berta commentary]
Berta, already sitting on the bus heading to her other client's house, commented, "I've worked for Charlie for years."
"When Daniel moved in with him, it felt like working for Caligula and Gatsby."
And she finished, "Then came the last brother, Alan. I discovered that what I call the Harper trait - good-looking, drunk, womanizer, lazy bum who stumbles into a well of money - was not inherited by all of them..." She deadpanned.
[Commentary ends]
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Everyone was in the kitchen.
"She left before she made the coffee." Charlie kept staring at the empty table.
Alan dismissed it. "So? We'll make our own coffee."
"How?" He asked his brother.
Alan walked over to the coffee maker and turned it on theatrically.
"So, now we just wait?"
"Yes. It takes a couple of minutes."
"Alan, this goes beyond coffee."
"Yes," Daniel chimed in, "where is my vitamin shake? I drink it before I go to the gym."
"Okay, what's in your vitamin shake?"
"I don't know, Alan. My personal trainer sent me the ingredients, and I gave them to Berta. Whey, banana, things like that..." Dani had no idea.
"Just give me your personal trainer's phone number and I'll start making it," Alan remarked.
"There's a lot more, bro," Dani pointed out. "The papers and books - she brings them here."
"Ohhh, where is my paper?" Charlie realized the newspaper wasn't where he always expected it to be on the table.
"And, most important," Daniel continued, "Berta used to prepare my room properly. For a good night, if you know what I mean. And you bet I need that today!"
"Fine! How does she do that?"
"She makes the bed, puts on fresh sheets, leaves a light pleasant scent in the room, and even sets out some products by the bathtub..." his brother began listing everything.
But he paused and turned to his other brother. "I'm not feeling confident about this, Charlie. Let's just offer Berta a bonus and take her back."
"Hey," Alan called their attention and looked at Charlie. "I've been trying to figure out a way to repay you for letting me and Jake stay here. Why don't I take over the housework?"
Before Charlie could say anything, a sound was heard. Jake took something out of the microwave and brought it to the table.
"What are you doing?" Daniel frowned.
"I made my peanut butter soft," he smiled, placing it in a glass bowl before going to sit on the couch to watch TV.
"Whoa, I feel sorry for you, Alan," Daniel said, patting his brother's shoulder. "You're going to have to clean his bathroom..."
What happened next was a series of events that showed the house wouldn't function peacefully without Berta. So Alan had to go talk to her and convince her to come back.
[Alan commentary]
"I tried, but my two brothers are like two giant babies!" Alan complained, sitting on the living room couch.
"It was hard, but I convinced Berta to come back." He paused and sighed. "She won't do my laundry or get my groceries... and I have to give her a lower back adjustment twice a week."
"And Steven Tyler, where she was working, thinks I'm doing her." He finished his unfortunate story.
[Commentary ends]
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