The mission to the "Tainted Wetlands" had been a disaster for my laundry bill and a triumph for my laziness. We were currently stuck in a border town called Oakhaven, a place that existed primarily to overcharge traveling adventurers for lukewarm ale and questionable lodging.
The "Golden Griffon Inn" was anything but golden. It was a rotting wooden structure that smelled of damp sawdust and desperate choices. Due to a "clerical error" (which I suspect was just the System being a petty prick), Se-ah and I were sharing a room that was roughly the size of a walk-in closet with walls that appeared to be made of recycled parchment.
I sat on the edge of my bed, which groaned with the structural integrity of a wet biscuit. Se-ah sat on the opposite twin bed, her back as straight as a ruler, her silver hair shimmering in the dim candlelight. The silence was heavy, but it was about to get a lot heavier.
From the room directly to our left, a rhythmic *thump-thump-thump* began to vibrate the wall. It was followed immediately by a long, high-pitched, feminine wail that sounded like someone was either being murdered or having the time of their life.
"Oh... oh *gods*! Yes! Right there!" a muffled voice shrieked through the drywall.
Se-ah's entire body locked up. Her face, usually a mask of cold professionalism, turned a shade of scarlet so deep I thought her ears might actually start smoking.
*Creeeeak. Thump. Creeeeak.*
The bed next door was clearly fighting for its life. The sounds that followed were... descriptive. Wet, slapping noises punctuated by guttural grunts and more frantic shouting about "deep satisfaction" and "not stopping."
> **[System Message]**
> **[Audio Analysis: Frequency suggests high-intensity 'physical exercise'.]**
> **[Notice: Viktor, if you don't say something to break this tension, I'm going to interpret your internal monologue as a public broadcast. Also, fuck you for making me listen to this low-bitrate amateur porn.]**
I cleared my throat, keeping my face as blank as a fresh sheet of paper. I looked at the vibrating wall, then back to Se-ah, who was staring at her own knees with enough intensity to set them on fire.
"Wow," I said, my voice calm and conversational. "They must be really into that ice cream."
Se-ah's head snapped toward me, her eyes wide and panicked. "I-ice... cream?"
"Yeah," I nodded, leaning back as a particularly loud *'GIVE IT TO ME!'* echoed through the wood. "Sounds like they're really struggling with a very large bowl of Mint Chocolate Chip. I mean, listen to that. They're practically licking the bowl clean. Must be some seriously aggressive dairy consumption."
Se-ah blinked. She knew I was lying. I knew she knew. But the alternative was acknowledging that we were three inches of cedar away from a live performance of "The Lusty Argonian Maid."
"Y-yeah," Se-ah stammered, her voice three octaves higher than usual. "The... the texture. It's important to be... thorough. I also love... aggressive... dairy consumption. You really have to... work for the... sprinkles."
Another shriek erupted from next door: "PUT IT IN! ALL OF IT!"
"They must have run out of spoons," I remarked, staring at a knot in the wood. "Hand-to-mouth is the only way to handle a sundae of that magnitude. It's a real workout. You can hear the cardio involved in keeping the fudge from melting."
"I-it's a commitment," Se-ah whispered, her knuckles white as she gripped her bedsheets. "To the... the flavor profile. I imagine they'll be... exhausted... once the bowl is empty."
*THUMP. THUMP. MOAN.*
"Probably a brain freeze," I added, my dark humor kicking in. "That kind of screaming usually only happens when the cold hits the roof of your mouth. Or when you realize you're paying twenty gold for a room where you can hear the neighbor's digestive tracts working in real-time."
> **[System Message]**
> **[Interpretation Check: User is attempting to re-brand 'Snu-Snu' as 'Baskin-Robbins'.]**
> **[Notice: Your SP is at 12/100. If you keep gaslighting the concept of sex, your own reproductive organs might turn into waffle cones. You absolute degenerate.]**
"Shut up, System," I muttered.
The noise next door reached a crescendo—a series of rapid-fire bangs against the wall that caused a small picture of a cow to fall off our side of the partition. Then, one final, soul-shattering howl, followed by the heavy, rhythmic panting of two people who had just finished a marathon.
Silence finally descended on the Golden Griffon.
Se-ah and I continued to stare at the wall. The "innocent" silence was now a thousand times more painful than the noise.
"I think... I think they finished their dessert," I said softly.
Se-ah didn't look at me. She just pulled her blanket up to her chin, her face still glowing in the dark like a radioactive cherry. "I'm never... eating dairy... again."
"More for me," I said, closing my eyes.
***
**[Cliffhanger:]**
Just as I was drifting off, a soft *click* sounded from the door. Not our door. The door to the "Ice Cream" room. A figure stepped into the hallway, and through the thin gap in our floorboards, I saw the reflection of a very familiar golden scabbard.
Jude's voice drifted in from the hall, sounding oddly breathless: *"That was... a productive training session, Instructor. My 'Holy Aura' has never been so... expanded."*
My eyes flew open.
> **[System Message]**
> **[LMAO. Looks like the Golden Boy was 'licking the bowl' with the faculty. How's that for a plot twist, you unlucky bastard?]**