"Stop right there! You useless idiot Goddess who does nothing but drag us down!!"
Kōichi lunged forward in a single bound and, just before Wiz could dissolve completely into a wisp of smoke, expertly locked Aqua in a chokehold and snatched away the staff that was still glowing with holy light.
"Wahhh! Kōichi, what are you doing?! Let go of me! I'm carrying out justice! I'm purifying this evil, busty, and somehow even gentler-than-me Lich for the sake of all humanity!"
Aqua struggled wildly like a cat grabbed by the scruff, kicking both legs in midair and even trying to bite Kōichi's arm.
Kazuma walked over as well, his face dark with resentment. He glared at Aqua the way one might glare at garbage, his voice full of bitterness.
"Hey, Aqua. If you'd shown even half this much determination to kill the enemy when we were facing Beldia, would Kōichi and I have had to perform that shame-off-the-charts dogeza in front of the whole town? Do you have any idea how hard I've had to smile these past two days just to keep that lie going? My face is starting to cramp!"
"That's completely different! That tin can was way too scary, and his head flies around too. It was horrifying!" Aqua shouted back with complete confidence. "But this Lich is different! She looks super easy to bully, and purifying her gives experience points. She might even drop some rare materials..."
"Shut up! Wiz is our business partner! She's a good person, even if she is dead!" Kōichi smacked Aqua hard on the head, producing a crisp thunk. "Keep this up and I'll lock you in the guild's wine cellar and make you stare at all that expensive booze without letting you drink a single drop!"
The moment she heard the words "can't drink," Aqua instantly behaved herself. She crouched in the corner miserably and started drawing circles on the floor with her finger.
"...I was obviously doing it for everyone's sake. Kōichi and Kazuma are both idiots, sadists, perverts..."
Meanwhile, Wiz was slumped behind the counter, her body half-transparent with weakness and still puffing out wisps of white smoke.
Trembling, she braced herself against the counter and slowly stood up. Her eyes, when she looked at Kōichi, were filled with gratitude, and even a trace of survivor's awe.
"Th-thank you... Kōichi-san, Kazuma-san... I was so close, so close to really going to see Eris-sama..."
Wiz took a weak breath, smoothed down her disheveled long hair, and then her expression turned grave.
"Since you saved me... I'll tell you Beldia's biggest secret."
Kōichi and Kazuma immediately leaned in. Even Aqua in the corner could not help pricking up her ears.
"Actually... while Beldia has extremely high physical defense and magic resistance, he has one fatal weakness, and it's almost ridiculous." Wiz lowered her voice, sounding a little helpless. "Because he was an incredibly proud knight when he was alive, after he became a Dullahan, his armor was cursed with eternal dryness to preserve his dignity. So the thing he fears most... is water."
"Water?" Kōichi paused.
"That's right. Not just an ordinary splash, but a large amount of water, especially water with purifying properties, or simply overwhelming volume." Wiz nodded. "Once he gets drenched, his armor becomes unbearably heavy, his movements slow down, and even his Undead magic rapidly drains away from being soaked. If a huge amount of Holy Water were poured directly onto his body, he might even collapse on the spot..."
A brief silence fell over the room.
Kōichi, Kazuma, and Wiz slowly turned their heads in unison, until all three pairs of eyes landed on Aqua, who was still crouching in the corner, crying from being scolded. Each tear that hit the floor turned into pure Holy Water.
"...Kōichi, did you see that?" Kazuma pushed up a pair of nonexistent glasses, a thoroughly wicked grin curling up on his lips.
"Yeah, I saw it." Kōichi clenched his fist, and his eyes gleamed with the light of a farming strategy. "That's not an idiot Goddess. That's a humanoid, self-propelled, infinite-ammo, high-pressure fire extinguisher built specifically to counter Demon King's Generals."
In the musty air of the magic item shop, a profoundly evil and utterly shameless wavelength seemed to ripple through the room.
Kōichi and Kazuma shared a look of perfect understanding and simultaneously revealed the twisted smile that had earned them the name of Axel's terrible duo.
"Kōichi, were you just thinking, 'Now that we've got an unlimited supply of Holy Water, Beldia isn't some terrifying General anymore. He's just a giant fat sheep waiting to be slaughtered, covered head to toe in materials and bounty money'?" Kazuma asked in a low voice, unable to suppress the fanatic excitement in his tone.
Kōichi chuckled and patted him on the shoulder.
"Kazuma, your vision is still too narrow. Killing him for the bounty is only the first layer. We're going to use this giant fat sheep to completely cement our reputation as Axel's saviors. We're going to make the whole town watch with their own eyes as we 'effortlessly' toy with a Demon King's General!"
The two of them turned at the same time and looked toward Aqua, who was still sobbing in the corner while incidentally purifying the floor until it sparkled.
"Hey, Aqua! Stop crying. You've got Goddess dignity all over the floor." Kōichi walked over, putting on the expression of a smooth-talking cult leader, his voice dripping with temptation. "Do you want the whole town kneeling on the ground and shouting, 'Long live Aqua-sama'? Do you want all those Axis cultists to offer you the finest sparkling wine they can find? Do you want... to rub that headless knight who scared you into the ground like a drowned mutt?"
Aqua's crying stopped instantly.
She lifted her tearful eyes, and her gaze immediately turned bright, and full of idiotic confidence.
"Huh? Really? If I do this, they'll buy me that 'Divine Dew' that costs fifty thousand Eris a bottle?"
"Fifty thousand? No, a hundred thousand. And unlimited refills!" Kazuma piled it on from the side. "As long as you follow our instructions, you'll be Axel's one and only true Goddess!"
"Deal! I don't care if it's Beldia or Bel-floor-dia, this Goddess is going to make him understand what happens when you offend the Goddess of Water. You turn into a puddle of sludge!!"
Aqua shot to her feet. The ribbons behind her fluttered without any wind, radiating an aura that looked impressive at first glance, yet somehow still felt off.
Over the next two days, all of Axel was thrown into an uproar.
Kōichi and Kazuma hired a bunch of idle low-level adventurers, paying each of them with a cheap lollipop, and had them shout the following all over town:
"Have you heard?! Hero Kōichi and strategist Kazuma have already calculated exactly when the headless knight Beldia will appear again!"
"They're holding a General-subjugation showcase right at the city gate! All residents of Axel are invited to come and watch!"
"Kōichi-sama said Beldia is nothing but dry bones in a grave! He'll make that Demon King's General kneel and beg for mercy within three moves!!"
Kōichi even had Megumin hang a banner in front of the guild:
[Axel's Saviors (Kōichi, Kazuma) Decide to Beg Beldia for Food!]
"...Kōichi, is this really going to be okay?" Megumin held one corner of the banner, so embarrassed she looked ready to hide her whole face under her hat. "If that headless knight doesn't follow the script, the angry crowd is going to tear us to pieces, right?"
"Don't worry, Megumin." Dressed in an extravagant cape specially tailored for show, though rented, Kōichi stood on top of a guild table and waved to the cheering crowd below while speaking to her in a low voice. "The script's already written. Aqua the fountain is the star, Kazuma and I are the directors. As for Beldia... he's just an extra whose role is to get beaten up."
In Axel's central plaza, on the fountain platform normally used for major public announcements, a temporary but astonishingly lavish podium had already been erected.