The tension in the shop instantly hit its peak.
Aqua's long aqua-blue hair began to billow without a breeze, and her whole body radiated a kind of holy pressure somehow tinged with utter idiocy.
"Who are you calling a moss-brained creature?! You filthy Devil in that shady mask! Just watch, I'll purify you into fertilizer for Axel! Sacred Turn Undead!!"
Screaming at the top of her lungs, Aqua clasped her hands together, and a blinding white beam shot straight at Vanir's face like a searchlight.
"Fuhahahaha! Useless, utterly useless! To one such as I, the attacks of a Goddess whose only redeeming trait is holy power are slower than a snail's crawl!" Vanir burst into wild laughter. He did not even bother dodging, only swept his black cloak aside with elegant flair. The purifying light, powerful enough to reduce an ordinary Undead to nothing, struck the pitch-black magic swirling around him and was forcibly canceled out, as though it had slammed into a mirror.
A scornful snort came from beneath Vanir's mask, and then his tone suddenly dropped into something low and eerie.
"However, rather than wasting your time on the dull task of purifying me, have you not noticed? On the distant horizon, that steel nightmare created by ancient Wizards, built for nothing but blind forward motion, has already caught the scent of this town! It is a rampaging stroke of luck powerful enough to trample all civilization flat, and it is also..."
"Wait, Vanir, what did you just say?"
Kōichi's hand, still holding the spatula, paused slightly as that intense sense of unease washed over him again.
"That is correct! I have already foreseen it! That gigantic monstrosity known as the Mobile Fortress Destroyer is rumbling this way, bearing destruction enough to wipe out everything in its path! Even I find it troublesome to deal with..."
Thud!!
Vanir's grand, epic prophecy was cut short by a dull impact.
Kōichi and Kazuma moved almost at the same time. Kōichi precisely rapped the back of Aqua's head with the handle of his spatula just as she was about to cast a second spell, while Kazuma put his EX-tier agility to work and lunged forward in one fluid motion, locking an arm around Aqua's neck and pinning her, just as she was about to start screaming again, onto the counter.
"Shut it! You useless Goddess who only makes everything worse!" Kazuma snarled through gritted teeth, clamping a hand tightly over Aqua's mouth. "Were you not listening to what he was saying? The Mobile Fortress Destroyer! That thing is a monster that can flatten the whole town! And you still have time to play out some stupid God-versus-Devil showdown in here?!"
"Mmph mmph mmph, let me go, I have to purify him!!" Aqua struggled wildly in Kazuma's arms, kicking both legs like a salted fish flopping on dry land.
Kōichi tucked the spatula into his apron and fixed Vanir with a burning stare.
"Vanir, stop dragging it out. I'd like to believe your prophecy, but you did not show up here out of the goodness of your heart just to warn us, did you? Say it. How long until that thing gets here? And... does you showing up here mean you have some way to deal with it, or are you just hoping to profit off the negative emotions this disaster will stir up?"
Vanir looked at the Goddess who had been instantly subdued by two mortals. The expression on his mask seemed to stiffen for a moment, then he burst into even more arrogant laughter.
"Hahahaha! Delightful! Truly delightful! Kōichi-dono, to think you would so casually ruin the atmosphere of terror I worked so hard to create! Yes, the Destroyer is expected to reach Axel in three days. As for me... I merely wished to see what twisted, delicious expressions you insignificant humans would wear beneath the shadow of despair. Of course, if you are willing to feed me that pot of beef, I may, in a rare show of generosity, tell you where the Destroyer's core weakness lies."
Off to the side, Wiz looked so terrified she was practically fading out of existence.
"T-the Destroyer?! That thing is coming here?! Waaaah, my shop! My inventory! Kōichi-san, what are we supposed to do?!"
Amid all this chaos, Kōichi remained unnervingly calm.
He leisurely poured the final spoonful of rich sauce over the beef. The complex aroma of wine and meat mixed together so perfectly that even Aqua, who had still been struggling a moment ago, went completely silent for three full seconds, her nose twitching frantically.
"All right, sit down. If Vanir says we still have three days, then we still have time to finish this meal."
Kōichi's voice was not loud, but it carried an unquestionable authority.
He set down bowl after bowl of red wine beef stew on the experimental workbench piled high with magical potions. He even served Vanir a portion and thoughtfully topped it with a sprig of herbs.
"Eat. Once everyone's full, I'm taking these troublemakers to the Guild to see Luna-san. If that giant steel hunk really is coming, then the whole town needs to get moving. With just the few of us, there's no way we're hauling that pile of scrap around."
Vanir let out a soft hum of approval. He leaned his masked face close to the bowl and drew in a deep breath of the aroma.
"Fuhaha, Kōichi-dono, your composure alone is enough to earn you a place in Hell. Very well, as payment for this excellent meal, I can reveal a little. The core of that Destroyer is driven by an extremely ancient and rigid magic circuit. If its power flow can be cut off, then it is nothing more than an expensive tombstone. As for how to cut it off... mm, this beef is truly exceptional!"
After a whirlwind of a lunch, Aqua was sprawled inelegantly in her chair rubbing her stomach, while Megumin sat carefully polishing her staff, her eyes gleaming with eager red light.
"Let's go, Kazuma. Grab Aqua and Megumin. We're heading to the Guild to break the bad news." Kōichi untied his apron and gave Wiz a reassuring smile. "Wiz, lock up the shop. Try not to bring in any more weird stock for the next few days. If the town can't hold, your inventory really will go up like fireworks."
"Y-yes! Kōichi-san, please be careful!"
Wiz stood at the door waving them off with teary eyes, looking exactly like a little wife sending her husband off on an expedition.
Fifteen minutes later, at the Axel Adventurers Guild.
Even in the middle of the afternoon, the Guild was still lively, with adventurers loudly boasting about their morning hunting results.
Luna-san was standing behind the counter, nursing a headache as she sorted through a pile of complaint reports about the cabbage outbreak.
Bang!!
Kōichi strode up to the counter and slammed both hands down on its surface. His expression was so serious that Luna-san nearly dropped the quill in her hand.
"Luna-san, sound the emergency alarm immediately. I have highly reliable information that the Mobile Fortress Destroyer has already locked onto Axel and is expected to arrive in three days."
The entire Guild fell into dead silence.
Luna froze for a full three seconds, then let out a shriek so sharp it cracked in the middle.
"W-w-w-what?! Kōichi-san, you can't joke about something like that! That's the legendary... the one that leaves nothing but wasteland wherever it goes..."
"Do I look like I'm joking?" Kōichi pointed behind him at Kazuma, who was wearing a thoroughly unhinged grin, and at Aqua, who was currently trying to sneak some of the red wine kept behind the counter. "The source of this information is absolutely reliable. Right now, we need the highest-level Wizards in town, the toughest Crusader, and every resource we can mobilize."
Luna's face went from deathly pale to ashen. With trembling hands, she yanked down the emergency lever hidden behind the counter under a covering of red velvet.
Clang. Clang. Clang.
The heavy, urgent bell rang out through every corner of Axel in an instant.
The adventurers who had been bragging, drinking, and flirting with the waitresses all froze on the spot. That bell meant a disaster serious enough to threaten the survival of the entire town.
In less than ten minutes, the Guild hall was packed so tightly there was barely room to breathe. Even the high-level adventurers who usually kept to the shadows had shown their faces, and every last one of them looked uneasy.
"Hey! Luna-san, what happened? Did the Demon King's Army attack?"
"Did a cabbage mutate into Godzilla or something?!"
The noisy chatter nearly blew the roof off.
Luna looked to Kōichi for help. Kōichi took a deep breath, then, under everyone's gaze, jumped straight onto the sturdiest round oak table in the middle of the Guild.
"Everyone! Quiet down! Listen to me!"
Kōichi poured magic into his voice, and it rang out clearly over the uproar.
The whole hall fell silent.
Kōichi swept his gaze across the room and saw face after face filled with fear. Even Kazuma was desperately signaling at him from below, trying to tell him not to make it sound too hopeless.
Kōichi smiled slightly, revealing a highly infectious grin that was also, somehow, incredibly like a scam artist's.
"I've got good news and bad news for you. The bad news is, the Mobile Fortress Destroyer, that legendary giant steel can that can chew through nations like biscuits, will be arriving in Axel in three days to tear the place down."
"Whaaaaaat?!"
Cries of despair erupted everywhere. Some people had already started mentally calculating how to sell off their belongings and run.
"But!" Kōichi suddenly swung an arm toward the window. "The good news is that giant can is made entirely out of ancient rare metals and high-purity magic ore! In other words, it's not a monster. It's a walking mountain of Eris!"
The adventurers stared blankly for a moment, and then a green gleam of greed slowly began to replace the fear in their eyes.
"Just think about it! If we can take it apart, everyone in Axel could afford a full set of enchanted armor! Your bar tabs, your gambling debts, even those panties you've been trying to buy back, none of that will be a problem anymore!" Kōichi continued, whipping them into a frenzy with passionate force. "And we've got the strongest Adventurer class of all, meaning Kazuma, a Goddess who can perform divine miracles, meaning Aqua who is currently stealing wine, and the Crimson Demon Clan's greatest Explosion Wizard, meaning Megumin! Add you people to that, Axel's finest elite. Useless elite, admittedly. Why should we run? What we ought to be thinking about is how to split the fortune we'll get after dismantling it, enough to buy half a kingdom!"
"Ooooooooooh!!"
"Kōichi-san's right! That's money! Money is charging straight at us!"
"Take it down! Split the inheritance!!"
Morale shot from below zero to completely off the charts in an instant.
Kazuma stood off to the side, staring in total disbelief, and muttered under his breath, "Hey, Kōichi, this isn't just stirring people up anymore. This is basically a pyramid scheme... If we lose, this crowd's going to tear you apart."
"It's fine. If we lose, they won't get the chance to tear me apart."
...
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