The firewood in the fireplace gave a crisp crackle, as if objecting on behalf of this heavy conversation.
Kōichi looked at Kazuma, who was on the verge of curling into a ball, and held back his laughter as he decided to deliver the final blow, the most lethal one.
He deliberately lowered his voice and spoke slowly, with the tone of someone enjoying the chaos a little too much.
"So, Kazuma, since you've rejected every woman in this world... what about Aqua? Sure, she's loud most of the time, and yes, her brain doesn't work all that well, but that face and figure are genuinely Goddess-level, aren't they? As the guide who first brought you here, haven't you ever felt even the tiniest bit of... something beyond friendship for her?"
The air seemed to freeze in that instant.
Kazuma's arm, which had been waving around moments ago, stiffened in midair. Slowly, inch by inch, he turned his head and stared at Kōichi as if he were looking at a monster.
There was no love in that gaze. No hatred, either. Only a bottomless emptiness, like a black hole.
"Aqua?"
Kazuma repeated the name in a voice so flat it was frightening.
The next second, he sprang to his feet, grabbed Kōichi by the collar with both hands, and shook him wildly as he let out a soul-rending roar.
"Kōichi! Did a Slime eat your brain?! Or has your definition of 'woman' gotten so broad that even a gold-guzzling beast wearing human skin counts now?! Aqua... Aqua isn't a woman at all! She's a natural disaster! A walking liability! A parasite who turns my savings into booze and expensive feed!"
Kazuma let go, slumped back into his chair, covered his face with both hands, and let out a groan that bordered on despair.
"Yes, she's pretty. Her figure's flawless, too. Sometimes, when she cries and begs me, she can even look kind of pitiful. But! The moment I think about how she'll casually sign an IOU for tens of millions just to buy one bottle of expensive wine, or how she floods the entire house just to perform that useless Nature's Beauty, or how she's a Goddess and still manages to screw up even the simplest quests, leaving me on my knees cleaning up after her..."
He raised his head, his eyes filled with the weariness of a man who had seen through life itself.
"Kōichi, do you know what that feels like? It's like owning a Husky that looks insanely gorgeous, demands top-grade Wagyu every day, and tears the house apart whenever it feels like it. Would you develop romantic feelings for it? No, you'd want to send it to a shelter! I'd rather duel that silver-haired underwear thief. I'd rather be pinned down and ravaged by a pervert like Darkness. But I will absolutely, absolutely never feel any worldly desire for that idiotic Goddess! That would be an insult to the word 'love' itself!"
Kazuma collapsed back into the rocking chair again, staring blankly at the ceiling.
"If there's anything in this world that could make me attain enlightenment on the spot, it would be Aqua. She taught me that beauty is completely worthless in the face of extreme stupidity. Now, the second I see that blue hair of hers, my wallet starts aching and my blood pressure shoots straight up... You call that racing heartbeat love? No. That's the warning sign of a heart attack!"
Kōichi looked at Kazuma, who had completely fallen apart, and finally burst into hearty laughter.
Indeed, for Kazuma, Aqua's existence had already transcended gender and become an abstract concept known as trouble.
...
Early the next morning, sunlight streamed through the mansion's enormous floor-to-ceiling windows and spilled across the dining table. What should have been a leisurely time for red wine and fine bread was shattered by the grave expression on Darkness's face.
This Crusader, who was usually lost in masochistic fantasies, was properly dressed today. Her armor had been polished until it gleamed, and even that usual cloudy flush was gone from her eyes.
"Everyone, I have an important announcement to make."
Darkness placed both hands on the table, took a deep breath, and spoke in the solemn tone unique to royal nobility.
"Due to our recent... outstanding performance in defeating the Demon King's Generals and completing various major quests, the Royal Capital has taken notice of this unusual Party from Axel. Just now, I received a message from my family. In a few days, Her Royal Highness Princess Belzerg Stylish Sword Iris of the Kingdom will personally come to Axel to summon us."
The air went still.
Kōichi froze with a piece of bread halfway to his mouth, while Kazuma's fork, which had been poised to steal Aqua's ham, also stopped in midair.
Their movements were eerily synchronized. They slowly turned their heads and looked at each other. In those dead fish eyes, the long-extinguished flames of their souls suddenly erupted with the force of an atomic bomb.
"A-a princess?!"
Kazuma slammed his hands on the table and shot to his feet, his voice turning shrill with excitement.
"You mean that legendary Princess Iris with royal blood, golden hair, blue eyes, and angel-level cuteness? The highest-ranked beauty from the Fantasy World who's supposedly still a young loli?!"
Kōichi also set down his bread, pushed up his nonexistent glasses, and his eyes flashed with wisdom and wicked intent.
"I see. So the day has finally come. In this world filled with useless goddesses, delusional lolis, masochistic Knights, and panty thieves, a true healing character is finally about to descend upon us? Kazuma, I think our spring has arrived."
"Exactly! This is the treatment a Reincarnator from the Fantasy World deserves!"
Kazuma shed tears of pure emotion.
"Forget Aqua, forget the panty thief. Before Her Pure and Flawless Highness, they're all just passing clouds! I'm taking a bath! I'm buying the most expensive formal wear I can find! I'm going to use the perverted charm I've built up over the past sixteen years to conquer... no, wait, to protect Her Highness's smile!"
"Hey! What indecent things are you two thinking?!"
Darkness looked at the two men lost in their fantasies and couldn't help shouting at them, though her cheeks had flushed slightly from embarrassment.
"She is the kingdom's greatest treasure! Princess Iris is not only clever and quick-witted, she is deeply loved by the people. I'm warning you, you absolutely, absolutely must maintain proper etiquette during the audience! If you dare look at Her Highness with those lecherous faces, or say anything like 'Please let me be your dog'... you'll be executed on the spot, and even your souls may be banished!"
"Executed?" Kazuma paused for a moment, then broke into an incredibly punchable grin.
"Darkness, are you jealous of how cute the princess is? Don't worry. For Iris's sake, even if I were executed, I, Kazuma Satou, would walk to the guillotine with a smile. Of course, that's assuming Her Highness the Princess personally puts the shackles on me."
"Ngh...! Y-you..."
Darkness was stunned by Kazuma's shamelessness. Then her body began to tremble faintly, and her eyes gradually grew misty.
"To be dragged into trouble during a solemn royal audience because of a companion's perverted behavior, pinned roughly to the floor by the guards, then hauled away for execution beneath Her Highness's contemptuous gaze... that humiliation of a public execution... ah... that does sound rather nice..."
"See? Even Darkness thinks it sounds nice."
Kōichi shrugged, then turned to Aqua, who was busy trying to stuff a wine bottle into her clothes.
"Hey, Aqua, what about you? The princess is coming. You're a Goddess, so at least try to act a little dignified."
Aqua lifted her head and answered as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"Huh? A princess? Why should I care about some little girl? More importantly, Kōichi, since the princess is coming, the royal family is covering the reception expenses, right? So can I use this chance to ask for a bottle of Ragnarök worth ten million Eris as a welcome gift? After all, I'm a Goddess. She should be making offerings to me!"