The child I was smiles.
I smile.
I watch as time passes.
I grew up.
Grew up how everyone wanted me to be.
Strong.
Wise.
Tall.
The ideal everyone wants me to be.
The same as everyone else.
But then I look in the mirror, I start wondering.
Am I really me?
My mind is running wild.
Has been ever since.
Since when?
I don't know.
My name is called.
I force on a smile.
I must smile.
Be like everyone else.
Never take up to much space.
Never take things that don't belong to me.
It's wrong to do so.
My gaze passes over a picture as I walk by.
A picture of her.
It's old.
She was only ten then it was taken.
I stop dead in my tracks.
She smiles in the picture.
Her violet dress fluttering around her in the summer breeze of the day.
Her hair braided properly.
I remember.
Then she was young she always hated tying her hair together.
She always wore it open.
Then did she start tying it together?
I can't remember.
Why did she start?
I don't know.
My gaze is fixated on the picture.
For the first time I notice that her smile isn't as bright as the one in my memory.
It doesn't have that light in it.
It's fake.
Or is it just my mind making things more beautiful then they were in reality?
I don't know.
Someone calls me again.
Tells me to hurry.
I force the smile back on my face.
When did it drop?
My gaze still glued to the picture.
Is her smile also fake?
Was she also forcing herself to fit in?
She was always quiet.
No, that's not right.
She used to be loud.
Then she was younger.
When did she start being quiet?
When did she start taking less and less space for herself?
Space we always shared?
Space only I started taking at one point?
Did I rob her of the space?
She smiles to me from the picture.
But not her eyes.
They are dull.
Sad.
Or am I just imagining?
Projecting my own lost on her?
I'm going crazy.
Why did I want to grow up again?
I want the world to go back to how it used to be.
The days then everything was still fine.
Then there still was a clear path.
No, that's not right.
The path still is there.
But it doesn't fit me anymore.
I have grown up to much for that path.
Why do I only realize it now?
Now that it is to late?
Again, I'm called.
Annoyed this time.
I should hurry.
Stop wasting their time.
Their time is space.
Space I'm not supposed to take up.
Not I.
Not her.
Never her.
I'm frozen in place.
If I had paid attention more, what would be now?
If I hadn't helped in forcing her to grow up but not to much, would she be here now?
If I had noticed their lies earlier, would she smile again?
If I hadn't ignored her pleas, would she still laugh?
How long has all this happened?
I'm crying.
My sight gets blurred from water.
The tears slip down my cheeks, hot and salty.
Silent.
I want to scream.
But I can't.
Too late.
I only realize it now.
If I had asked questions would it have been better?
If I hadn't ignored asked why even against their wishes, would we still be happy?
I don't know.
Will never know.
Everything is to late.
She isn't here anymore.
Hasn't been for years, long before she left.
The picture in front of me is the proof of the truth I realized too late, hate too much.
She hasn't been truly here for long.
She stopped being herself long ago.
Stopped then she was forced to grow up to be the same as everyone else.
Then she learned to always keep a keen eye out for those who talk behind her back.
Learned to always smile and walk the path she wasn't supposed to take.
The path that forced her to grow up but keep herself small at the same time.
Just so she would fit on it.
The same way I do it now.
Just that I only realize it now.
How long ago did she realize it?
I don't know.
More questions I will never have answers to.
Answers that I want now that I realized the truth.
But who can I ask?
They want me to be wise.
Want everyone to be wise.
But we can't ask questions.
Never ask questions.
I thought I was kind.
But now I realize I was always on their side.
Never on hers.
Her child self smiles at me from the picture.
The smile is empty.
She is empty.
Just a doll.
The perfect doll.
A doll that showed them what they wanted to see.
What we wanted to see.
A doll that didn't let them see the truth.
That is the truth.
The truth forced into my mind.
The truth that forced her to be a doll.
Don't let them see the truth.
Smile, smile to hide it.
Always smile.
Smile, child.