Please take my hand.
I want to tell it to you so desperately.
We sit on the couch, watching the movie.
The songs are trending right now.
My gaze is glued to the screen.
You told me I would like the movie and I do.
But I also like just spending time with you.
I'm so glad that today we could meet like this.
The next song starts.
I listen.
My breath catches.
„I tried to hide, but something broke."
Broke inside me.
Broke between us.
Because you also try to hide.
And I don't want to break it more.
So I don't pry.
Stay silent.
The song continues on.
I try to smile, but I'm suffocating.
Are you also feeling like this right now?
We start singing along at the same moment.
My gaze wanders towards you.
Your eyes are glued to the screen.
I have been hoping to change, and I know we can change.
Perhaps we can't go back to the perfectly easy way everything was then we were still children, but even so.
I know, that that ease is still there.
Feel it in the way we are spending time right now.
So I hope.
I hope that you will let me in.
Will feel good to stop hiding from me.
„…We could be free…free…we can't fix it if we don't face it…"
We both sing aloud.
You don't look my way but my gaze is glued to you.
I take in every detail.
Engrave the memory in my mind.
Your smile right now.
I think it's real.
But only now.
Will it vanish the moment I look away?
I hope I can get my message across alongside this song.
The message who's words always catch in my throat, out of fear to destroy the ease, the comfort we have now?
Out of fear to drive you into a corner, away from me?
I don't want that to happen.
So I keep silent.
But as the song continues my thoughts do as well.
If we finally stopped tiptoeing around the problems, the fractures that we both know are there, would we be free?
I'm scared.
You won't tell me what the problem is anymore.
Not how you once did.
But I'm still too scared to say anything.
I'm so scared of losing you completely that I don't say anything.
That I bite my tongue and stay quiet.
I tell myself that it's alright.
That I don't need to know.
That I can still be here for you, just making you happy through spending time together like this.
Ignoring the cracks that have slipped into our relationship.
Ignore the unspoken fears and troubles.
But the truth is that I'm not alright.
I want to be there for you.
I worry about you.
I care about you.
My heart breaks on the inside as you keep me away.
I want to do more for you.
Want to ensure that your smile will be an endlessly happy one again.
But I know I can't just go marching in demanding answers from you.
I know that would only hurt both of us.
So only the lyrics of the song we are still singing along to escape my lips.
And I fill them up.
Fill them with all the things I don't dare tell you.
All my feelings for you.
My worry.
My caring towards you.
My concern.
My fear.
My silent support.
My comfort.
All of it.
I keep wondering, do you get the message I'm trying to send to you?
You still don't look at me.
Still focused on the movie.
So I stay silent.
I won't force you.
Won't force you to tell me.
Won't force you to acknowledge me right now.
"…Why does it feel right to tell you anything?"
I also want to let you know that you can tell me anything.
That I will still accept you, no matter what.
That I will still love you.
Care about you.
No matter how broken you are.
How broken I am.
So I keep singing, hoping to pass on a message I can't find the words for.
You smile.
I wonder.
Do you feel suffocated by hiding your pain?
I want to be there for you.
Please let me be there for you.
We can't fix it if we don't face it.
The past is weightless and we can move on.
I will gather all of that weightlessness of our childhood and use it to help you let go of the part of the past that's haunting you.
Please let me help you.
My desperate plea, I fill the lyrics with it as I sing them.
Please let me help you.
I want to stretch out my hand to you.
Try to show you my outstretched hand through unspoken words and pointed looks while singing along to a song.
Please, I beg silently, please take it.
Tell me what's hurting you and let me comfort you.
Let me show you that you can trust me.
That it will be the right decision to tell me.
I beg.
I pray.
Silently.
Inside my head.
Inside my heart.
Sing the lyrics of the song.
You still haven't noticed how my gaze is glued to you.
"It's open…Free…free…free..", the song goes on.
My heart clenches tight.
I just have one wish.
Please, tell me.
Please, take my hand.