As I was leaving the stage I turned once again and looked at the crowd clapping and hooting, I looked at the faces of my family members, they were grinning like idiots, cheering louder than anyone. Then I turned and looked at my team, the one who helped me get here. As I walked down the stage I felt a sense of pride. A feeling I thought I had buried along with my humanity. I thought there was no going back and maybe it isn't. What I want to do is not going back, today I realised there is no thing as going back, life is about moving forward. My experiences, my memories, my regrets, my success, my joy, my sorrow this is what makes me me.
As I went down the stairs through the wings I realised there are so many people to help me, to cover for me, to hold me. I am not alone and this realization brought a sense of joy in me. Today, I had truly done something incredible. Today, I felt a change in me. For some people it might have been a small thing but for me it was like the thing I had been searching throughout this life. Today I had embroidered something beautiful in my life, something meaningful, something crucial.
Maybe I am lost, maybe I am confused but I know someday I will find my way. Each day I take a step forward from my past into my future. Each day I change. Each day I shape myself. Each day I grow. Each day I become even more human. Each day I live. Each day I mold myself into something beautiful.
It all had started from skipping Maths class and then surprising Aarush. Starting points are small often overlooked but I know now that it's the small moments that matter.
"Chandni you were fire on the stage!" Said Siddhant, Manan and Rudraksh
"You sang better than Aarush!"
"Shut up! Well, have to admit you performed pretty nicely, it was.... impressive."
"Your voice is so angelic!"
"You should definitely join us for other competitions and stuff. Who knows you might turn into the star of the group."
"Thank you guys!"
They were truly impressed and happy to have me around. It felt just majestic. I thought shutting down was the answer but truly it was not. Sometimes you have to open up, for shutting your eyes does not make the evil vanish it makes you blind, for covering your ears doesn't make the screams vanish it makes you deaf. I had learned today that if I wanted to change I have to interact.
I gazed at my guitar. Music is neither just a hobby nor just a passion. It is my way to heal to connect. I had forgotten this. This guitar is like my soul. I remember in my past life I would sing and play in my room. I would sometimes cry while playing remembering all the people I could no longer play for remembering all the people I never played for. Sometimes I would laugh remembering how much they loved to hear me play. Those two would beg me to play and I would through tantrums. If there was something constant in my life, it was music.
Now rembering how I had forgotten a peice of my soul hurt. But in a way I was happy, it felt like I had rediscovered a part of me. I felt free. And today I made a pledge to never let the soul in me get buried to never forget the things that are crucial to me. In this life in this journey I will discover myself and I will rediscover myself.
Then we started singning and playing once again in that room. We played songs after songs. Everyone was grinning and enjoying. In a strange way I felt connected. For once my shoulders felt light. Each song we sang touched my heart. We sang, played, talked, laughed, teased each other, ate together and for some reason it didn't feel like I was pretending, I didn't feel left out, I didn't feel different.
Two hours later our annual function was over. Soon my family was there to pick me.
"Are you leaving?"
"Yes."
I grabbed my guitar and left.
"Chandni I guess you weren't lying then, huh!" Said my elder brother
"Sissy, you were incredible on the stage."
"Honey, look our daughter has grown up so much."
"Your performance was really really good."
"You were like the star of the night."
They were all smiling and so was I. I was genuinely smiling something so unusual. This family, this life, this chance it is a gift god gave me. I yet not know if I deserve it or not. Maybe right now I don't but I will make myself worthy of it one day, I promise. God I thank you for believing in me. Please this time guide me down a path which I don't regret, which I enjoy, which I feel proud of. If life is a canvas let me paint something beautiful. Make me someone people can rely on. Give me a path in which I give, not take. Give me a path to create, not to destroy. Give me path to atone, not committ.
I gazed out of the window. The stars were shinning but the one which shined the brightest wasn't the stars it was the moon. It said that even a million stars cannot replace the moon. I looked at the gentle Moonlight brightening the dark sky. Chandni or Moonlight they call me. I might not be worthy of that name but I know one thing this time I might not become the Moonlight but I will not become the darkness. I might not brighten the sky but I will not darken it. If I might not be pleasant and gentle I will not be sharp and rough. Maybe I would one day be worthy of my name Chandni.