Since childhood Seungcheol has been someone who likes people's attention on him and people caring about him.
Just like how his grandparents were.
A larger part of his childhood has been occupied by his grandparents cause his own parents never had much time to spend with him.
When he was five years old his parents were expecting twins so as time went by, the time they could spend with him started reducing little by little until they just straight up sent him to live with his grandparents.
Actually he never resented his parents for sending him to live apart from them. Even as a kid he could understand that his family was gonna have an addition of two new babies and due to that his parents who were already busy with their jobs became busier to welcome his new siblings.
Additionally, he really liked spending time with his grandparents.
They loved him a lot and also pampered him a lot. His grandfather was a cheerful person a stark contrast compared to his quiet father and his grandmother was strict but also a gentle person. The time he lived with them, he got used to clinging to them and acting cute infront of them. He liked the fact of how amused his grandparents felt whenever he acted sweet and sticky.
His grandmother even gave him a nickname, cherry.
No one beside his grandparents called him cherry so he unknowingly started developing a liking towards the sweet, round and bright red cute fruit. His grandmother used to say that his face tends to turn red quickly whenever he cries or laughs and the contrast of red against his white and supple skin makes him look like a plump cherry.
It was quite an endearing nickname connected to many warm memories of his life.
He used to visit his parents occasionally on weekends with his grandmother. He visited when his mother gave birth to his siblings. He visited when his siblings were few months older. But for some reason whenever he tried playing with them just like how adults tries to amuse small kids to make them smile, his small brother always ended up crying due to him.
He remembers, the sound of his brother crying alerted his mother and she came running to see what's wrong. When she looked at the situation and then turned to look at him exhaustion was written all over her face.
She took his brother and asked 'what happened' even though she couldn't be bother with the answer. She tiredly started pacifying the baby. He doesn't remember this incident much clearly but he remembered her saying,
'As a big brother can't you take care of your own younger siblings?'
She murmured, 'Him coming here has just increased my work load. I wonder when mother's going to take him back'.
As an adult she must not have thought much while saying these things, anyways it's a popular belief that kids don't understand things deeply, they are not capable of understanding things clearly. But due to the same belief, the words said by adults without much thought actually leaves deeper impression on the kids.
Just like Seungcheol. A small kid like him wasn't capable of understanding the utterly tired state of his mother and why she would say such a thing. But the thoughts that his little mind could process were.
Was he unwanted by his parents?
Is he not a good older brother?
These questions and doubts made him feel deeply hurt. Even though his grandparents loves him he still yearned for the love from his parents. His classmates always had something to say in primary school that mostly included the topics revolving around their parents but he is the only one who had nothing to add in such conversations.
When his siblings were born and even before their birth, he had thumped his chest with a fist like a little man and promised his grandpa that he is gonna take good care of them as their older brother but turns out that he is not a good older brother.
When his grandmother came back to take him, he remembered his mother crying to her and saying how tired she felt everyday. His father had job which required him to visit different cities and his mother's job was to work from home so the load of her job, housework and the kids fell on her and made her feel miserable.
The things that his mother said he listened secretly. Later whenever he came to visit his parents again he pushed himself harder to be attentive to his siblings and take care of them so that he could lighten his mother's work load. Even though he is unwanted by his parents he wanted to keep his promise to his grandpa and tried his best to become a good older brother.
When he was ten years old his parents took him back to live with them. He was very reluctant to leave his grandparents but his grandpa had fallen seriously ill and his grandmother had to look after him so she didn't have any energy to take care of Seungcheol.
Seungcheol could understand that so he didn't make a fuss but coming back to live with his parents made him unable to get used to it. He couldn't act clingy or close with his parents like the way he used to act with his grandparents and most importantly he was a big brother at their home so he had the responsibility of looking after his siblings when their parents weren't at home.
Still there's been times when his siblings in their childish voices had grumbled about him not being a good older brother, at times any of them saying this had hurt him but at times he dismissed it thinking of it as childish tantrums.
Whenever he had hard time carrying out his responsibility and his promise he talked to his grandpa. His grandpa was the source of warmth and encouragement for him to do better.
But one day he got to know that he has lost that source of warmth. His heart went cold. It was greater shock for a kid who was only twelve years old. People around him didn't look at him on the funeral, they didn't notice him because they couldn't imagine the pain he was feeling, he didn't cry on the funeral of his grandpa.
Actually he couldn't process that he has lost the person closest to him. He was confused and disoriented until he was brought to visit the house his grandparents lived in. He looked at traces of memories his grandpa left in the things around the house.
Little by little his brain registered the person whom these traces belongs to won't be here ever again. He won't be smiling at him or scolding him, or he won't pat him and call him little cherry, he won't listen to Seungcheol's endless chatter and won't indulge his naughtiness.
Such person doesn't exist now.
Seungcheol felt stimulated and started crying loudly. He heard people come running to him but he didn't care as his heart started aching unbearably. He felt a person embracing him and crying while consoling him. He recognised the voice, it was his grandmother. He hugged her back and cried for a long time until he felt numb.
His heart felt numb.
It felt numb for a long time, so long that he felt like he has become a cold hearted person. His source of warmth was gone so how could his heart feel warm again?
It wasn't until he met Jeonghan that he had felt his heart stir. He wasn't able to go back to being normal but the numbness in his heart started fading away little by little.