Location: Floor 1 - The Starting Line (Formerly Z-City Highway)
The playing field was ten kilometers long.
At the finish line stood the Colossal Titan (Bertolt Hoover). But someone had forced him to wear the pigtails and yellow dress of the Squid Game doll. The fabric stretched absurdly over his steaming, skinless muscles.
"It humiliates me," the Titan moaned, his voice a nuclear bass rumble. "I am a Warrior of Marley... why am I a magical girl?"
[SYSTEM ANNOUNCEMENT]
[GAME 1: RED LIGHT, GREEN LIGHT]
[RULE: Reach the finish line within 5 minutes. If you move during Red Light, you will be 'Eliminated' (Vaporized).]
[CONSTRAINT: No Flight. No Teleportation. Power Output Capped at 5%.]
"Capped powers?" Goku hopped in place, testing his legs. He tried to fly. Nothing. "Aw man! Just running? That's old school training!"
"Old school?" Kazuma Satou was hyperventilating behind Darkness. "It's a slaughterhouse! Look at the 'Snipers'!"
Lining the rooftops weren't soldiers. They were Daleks fused with Guardian Stalkers from Breath of the Wild. Lasers primed.
"Okay, Team Trash," Kazuma commanded, crouching behind Darkness's broad, armored back. "Formation Alpha: The Human Shield!"
"Yes!" Darkness breathed heavily, face flushed. "Use me! Let the lasers target my body! Let me feel the searing heat of elimination!"
"You're weirding out the competition," Reigen whispered, adjusting his tie. "Just act natural."
"GREEN LIGHT!" The Titan bellowed. It turned its massive head toward the tree line.
BOOM.
The ground cracked.
Thousands of participants sprinted.
Iida (My Hero Academia) ignited his engines. Sonic (One Punch Man) broke the sound barrier instantly. Koro-sensei moved at Mach 20, grooming people's hair as he passed them.
"So slow!" Sonic laughed. "I'll clear this in two sec—"
"RED LIGHT!"
The Titan snapped its head back 180 degrees. Its giant eyes scanned the crowd.
Sonic froze mid-step, balancing on one toe.
Koro-sensei froze, his face changing to a blank poker face.
Iida locked his brakes, smoke pouring from his exhausts.
But behind them, a generic adventurer stumbled.
"W-wait! Momentum!"
ZZAAP.
A Guardian laser vaporized him. No blood. Just polygons dissolving into data.
"He's... gone?" Subaru shuddered. "Actually gone? No respawn?"
"Don't test it!" Kazuma hissed. "Nobody move a muscle."
A fly landed on King's nose.
King stood like a statue. His engine roared: DOKI DOKI DOKI.
Inner Monologue: If I sneeze, I die. If I blink, I die. I am stone. I am the earth. I am... going to pee myself.
The laser scanned King.
It lingered on him. The sensors detected heartbeat levels consistent with a nuclear reactor, but zero muscle movement.
[ERROR: OBJECT IS A STATUE. MOVING ON.]
"GREEN LIGHT!"
The sprint resumed.
The Cheaters and The Beaters
While the normies ran, the chaotic elements started their strategies.
Buggy the Clown detached his feet.
"Go, feet, Go! I'll stay back here safe!"
His feet sprinted ahead.
[SYSTEM WARNING: SEPARATION DETECTED. DO NOT CHEAT.]
A laser shot at Buggy's head.
"GYAAAAH!" Buggy pulled his head down to his torso just in time. "OKAY! I'LL RUN!"
Inosuke Hashibira (Demon Slayer) wasn't running. He was crawling on all fours, wearing the boar head.
"PIG ASSAULT! PIG ASSAULT!"
"Red Light!"
Inosuke didn't stop. He was too stupid to understand the rules.
"Tanjiro! Stop him!" Zenitsu screamed.
Tanjiro (carrying Nezuko's box) lunged, grabbing Inosuke's ankle and forcing him into a headlock freeze.
"Stop, Inosuke! It's the rules!"
"RULES ARE FOR WEAKLINGS! FIGHT THE DOLL!"
ZAP ZAP ZAP.
Lasers burned holes in the pavement inches from Inosuke's snout.
Inosuke froze. "The light... it challenges me."
The Heavy Hitters
Vegeta was power-walking. Aggressively. Arms crossed.
"Running is beneath me," Vegeta scoffed. "I will arrive with dignity."
He passed Naruto, who was Naruto-running (arms back).
"Stop running like an airplane, clown! You have no aerodynamics!"
"It's a Ninja thing!" Naruto retorted, freezing mid-stride as Red Light hit.
Goku was having trouble. Not with the running, but with the stopping.
"Red Light!"
Goku stopped. But his momentum carried him forward on sliding soles.
He dug his fingers into the asphalt to brake.
Scritch.
He stopped one inch over the sensor line.
The laser targeted him.
Ping.
The laser bounced off his forehead.
[SYSTEM ERROR: TARGET TOO DURABLE. ELIMINATION FAILED.]
[INCREASING POWER TO 500%]
"Whoops," Goku laughed. "My bad."
The Chaos Factor
Halfway mark. 5 kilometers left.
Kazuma was riding on Darkness's back.
"Mush! Mush!"
"Kazuma! Get off!" Darkness moaned (happily).
Suddenly, a shadow loomed over them.
A huge, round figure rolling down the street.
Majin Buu. (Fat Buu).
"Buu hungry! Buu finish first to get candy!"
Buu didn't stop for Red Light.
He just absorbed the laser blasts into his blubber.
Pew pew pew.
"It tickles!" Buu giggled.
"That's unfair!" Kazuma screamed. "Admin! Ban the marshmallow!"
Behind Buu, using him as cover, was a sly figure.
Light Yagami.
Light was calmly walking in Buu's shadow, adjusting his tie.
Plan: Use the Indestructible Idiot as a mobile shield. Reach the safe zone. Execute Phase 2.
"Hey! You!" Kazuma pointed at Light. "That's my strategy! You stole my intellectual property!"
"Smart minds think alike," Light smirked. "But only one of us will—"
"RED LIGHT!"
They froze.
Buu stopped.
But Light... slipped.
On what?
On a piece of banana peel thrown by a passing Mario Kart driver (it's a crossover, don't ask).
Light flailed. He was about to fall. If he fell, he moved. If he moved, the lasers (now charged to 500%) would vaporize him.
"Ryuk! Deal!" Light whispered desperately.
"I can't interact, Lighto," Ryuk floated nearby eating an apple. "I'm spectator mode only."
Light's eyes bulged.
He looked at Kazuma.
Kazuma looked at Light.
Kazuma smirked.
He stuck out his foot. Just a little nudge.
Not to help. But to trip him faster.
Light hit the pavement face first.
CRUNCH.
Lasers fired.
At the last second, Light whipped out his Death Note.
[Defense Rule: Note protects owner?]
The lasers hit the notebook. They deflected.
Light scrambled up, dust on his suit. He looked at Kazuma with murder in his eyes.
"You tried to kill me."
"I tripped," Kazuma whistled.
The Finish Line
"ONE MINUTE REMAINING!" The Colossal Titan announced. "HURRY UP! MY DRESS IS ITCHY!"
Saitama was walking.
He was bored. This game was slow.
He passed The Flash.
He passed Goku.
He passed Sonic.
"Red Light."
Saitama kept walking.
"Sensei!" Genos shouted. "STOP!"
Lasers targeted Saitama. All of them.
BBBBZZZZZTTT.
A focused beam of destruction hit the back of Saitama's yellow suit.
It burned a small hole in his cape.
Saitama stopped. He looked at his cape.
"I just sewed that."
He looked at the Titan.
"Hey. Big guy. Your laser pointer burned my clothes."
The Titan sweated steam. "It... It is the rules!"
Saitama walked faster.
"RED LIGHT! RED LIGHT!" The Titan panicked.
Saitama broke into a jog.
The lasers fired a continuous beam. Saitama walked through it like he was walking through a light rain.
He reached the finish line.
He walked past the finish line.
He walked up to the Titan's ankle.
"Serious Series: Serious Shintap."
He tapped the Titan's ankle bone.
CRACK.
The Colossal Titan's leg shattered. The massive giant tipped over.
"TIMBEEEERRRR!" The Titan screamed, falling backward into Z-City's commercial district.
[GAME OVER]
[WINNER: SAITAMA]
[SURVIVORS: 452 / 5,000]
The survivors crossed the line just as the giant doll crushed the elimination sensors.
"Safe!" Kazuma slid across the line like a baseball player, dragging a terrified Usopp.
"We lived!" Natsu cheered, fire-breathing. "That was awful!"
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION]
[FLOOR 1 CLEARED]
A hologram of The Front Man appeared in the sky.
"Impressive. You defied the elimination protocol."
"Now..."
The hologram glitched.
A new voice cut in. A digital, mischievous voice.
A teddy bear?
Monokuma appeared on the screen, hacking the feed.
"Upupupu! Boring! Running is boring! Let's spice up Floor 2!"
The ground beneath them rumbled. It began to elevate.
The entire city block was lifting into the sky.
[FLOOR 2: THE MARKETPLACE OF MADNESS]
[GAME: ECONOMY CRASH]
[OBJECTIVE: Gain 1 Billion Yen in 24 Hours or be Liquidated.]
Kazuma's eyes lit up. The gold dollar signs appeared in his pupils.
"Economy?" Kazuma stood up, dusting off his tracksuit.
He looked at Aqua. He looked at the clueless heavy hitters (Goku, Saitama, Naruto).
"Guys," Kazuma grinned evilly. "I know how we win this."
"How?" Tanjiro asked innocently.
"NFTs," Kazuma whispered. "Non-Fungible Tokens... of Heroes."