Haruki POV
There was a singular plate, full of karrage and rice sat next to my camp, I could still see the heat radiating from the open container.
How...did it get here?
....
Then I remembered that girl...the one who tried to talk to me.
The one who broke my routine.
...
How did she know where I'm at...? Did...Ayumi send her or something?
...
My throat closed up.
That couldn't be possible. If Ayumi sent her, which one was it? Am I really losing myself?
Was it just someone wanting to do a little good...?
My mind couldn't process this, why had she followed me? Was it out of guilt or pity?
...
Was she going to call the police next?
...
I couldn't take it if she did, I'd drown myself in the river the first chance I'd get if that were the case.
I'd rather kill myself than see any of them again.
...
My hands gripped my knees, shaking.
She shouldn't have come here, why did she come here...
...
This place...this tiny pocket of cold dirt and forgotten wood at this pier.
This scenery that I hold onto so dearly.
This is mine, and mine alone, I don't want anyone taking this from me.
My last solace.
My last wall.
My last hiding spot.
...
My last stand, against the humanity that despised me.
...
Now even that felt exposed, endangered.
I should leave, pack up and leave into the mountains like the original plan was. I should just disappear.
...
So why was my subconsciousness so opposed to that? Why have I stuck around this long?
What it because I knew deep down, I'd likely die alone out in the forest? Am I truly more scared of death than I led myself to believe?
No....
....
I was tired.
Too tired to try anymore.
...
["You're worthless."]
I know I am.
...
Today it was Ayumi's voice, my auditory hallucinations change frequently.
Luckily, I don't have any perspective ones, they haven't shown themselves frequently, at least lately.
Since I would hate hallucinating the faces of those, I hated the most. Fukashima, Satomi, Mom.
...
And yet, I still can't let go of what happened, I think about it every day.
Maybe I'm just wallowing in self pity at this point, but I don't care. Leave me alone.
...
Yet there was one last thing I had to do
I have to apologize to her; with the last bit of my humanity, I have left.
The girl who brought me this food.
I didn't want her to think of me as a monster...at least before I end up dying alone on the streets.
I need to apologize for being...terrible to her, my last shred of humanity is forcing me to. An innocent victim of my personal grudge, the one and only.
...
So, I started walking towards the store.
My mind was blank; thoughts were rapidly descending into madness.
...
I didn't know how I arrived here, I mindlessly started walking, I don't have the capacity for thought anymore.
I'm always trapped in my own head...
With the voices, I'm starting to welcome them more. Its voice is the only thing that truly knows me.
["You should leave finally, go and join your father in the afterlife."]
I'm sorry, I can't just yet. Please wait for me to finish with her.
...
There it was. Finally.
I made it, in front of the store. I've been standing in front for about twenty minutes, I didn't even realize, I probably looked crazy.
I belong in a psych ward.
...
I made my step forward after I saw she was inside; her beautiful brown hair still encaptivated me. I couldn't help it, it felt like a peasant laying eyes on a princess.
...
Her face had a slight nervousness to it; it probably wasn't anything to do with me...was it?
I hope not, why would she care anyways?
...
The door opened, and she immediately made eye contact with me.
Then she made a slight smile of relief.
...
Not a single customer. Just the low hum of refrigerated air, and my own nervous breathing.
...
I ran yesterday, like a wounded animal that didn't understand what kindness was, yet I was here now.
I wanted to apologize immediately, but my voice was so rusted at this point, it was hard to speak. I haven't physically spoke in so long, so I didn't know how to start.
...
I stood near the door too long. My heart thudded in my throat, and my lips were dry.
I had dirt on my clothes, holes in my pants, and filth on my face. I am sure I smelled as well; I haven't used soap in about a week now in the river.
...
I think my soul was trying to cry out to her.
Please...
My mind was conflicted constantly. It was hard to try and process everyhting.
...
Don't pity me, this is of my own volition. Please, forget me.
The air felt still, like the whole store was holding its breath with us.
...
"...You came back," she said gently.
...
Her voice was steady. But not surprised.
Like she'd been hoping for me to make the next step.
So here I am, making the next step.
...
I opened my mouth, yet nothing came out.
I could feel the words scraping at the inside of my throat, begging to be let out, but I hadn't spoken to anyone in over a month.
I haven't let out a single word to anyone but her since I left.
...
My vocal cords felt like they'd rusted in my chest.
She took a step forward, slow, like approaching something wild and fragile, like I'd bolt again or something.
"I didn't mean to scare you yesterday," she said softly.
...
"I just... wanted to help. That's all."
...
I clenched my fists at my sides.
My nails bit into my palms.
"I-I..." I rasped, voice cracking like glass under pressure.
...
I bet I looked pathetic; I don't deserve to even be able to speak to someone like her.
I was a monster in her eyes, along with my own.
...
My chest heaved once, like just pushing that syllable out had drained me, she didn't rush me or look away either.
"I..." I tried again. "I don't... know how..."
Besides trying to not listen to the voice in my head telling me to, this was the hardest I've tried in this last month.
["Disappear."]
...
My legs started to tremble.
"You don't have to say anything," she whispered.
"It's okay."
...
That hit harder than anything else could have, because I needed someone to say that. That I didn't have to explain, and that my silence didn't need justification.
I bit the inside of my cheek, willing the tears to stay buried. I didn't want to cry again, not in front of her at least.
I felt like a child again.
...
"...Why?" I asked.
I finally was able to speak this out, just one word that was so difficult to get out of me, then her expression softened.
"It's okay you know, you don't have to run..."
I blinked, then swallowed at the lump in my throat.
...
"I don't know how... to talk to people anymore."
...
It came out small and honest, but her voice sounded with kindness back towards me.
"...That's okay."
...
"I don't know how to act normal."
...
"That's okay too."
...
"I don't know what I'm doing here."
...
"...you don't have to if you don't want to."
..
The tears started coming.
Ever so slightly.
...
Then she asked something I didn't expect.
"Hey...um...I only have a few more hours on shift... maybe do you want to meet me at the nearby park? Talk about things?
...
Why wasn't she scared of me? And why was I able to talk to her? Why was she inviting me out?
...
"D-don't you think I'm a monster...? I mean...look at me." I asked, my voice raspy and filled with tears.
...
"No, I don't."
...
I turned around to leave, before she saw me and my tears. I didn't want her to see me even more broken than I already am.
"I'll be.... okay on....my own."
...
"I'll wait for you." She said, as I walked out of the building with my head down.
I'm sorry.
...
The night swallowed me again.
I walked fast, but not because I wanted to.
But because if I stayed a moment longer, I would've collapsed at her feet with tears in my eyes.
She reminded me what it felt like to be human.
...
My chest felt hollow. My legs trembled. My throat still burned.
And her voice echoed in my head and wouldn't leave.
"I'll wait for you."
...
She said it so simply.
Like it meant nothing, but it meant everything.
She didn't stare like I was roadkill.
Most importantly...she didn't threaten to call the cops.
...
And for some reason, that broke me more than cruelty ever did.
I reached the pier again, the area that smelled of ocean and grime.
My blanket was damp, and my fingers numb. I sat down slow, like my body was a worn machine running on rust and fumes.
"I'll wait for you."
Why? Why the hell would she wait for someone like me?
...
I looked at my hands, and they didn't look like mine anymore, they were full of cuts, and scrawny.
Like I was halfway into the grave already, waiting for death that hasn't seem to come yet.
...
I probably wouldn't last another month.
I'm going to die soon aren't I...?
...
I should stay here. Let it happen you know?
She's just being nice. That's what people do before they hurt you.
They smile first. Then they twist the knife, I don't know if I should trust it.
What if she did this just to bring her friends, and laugh at me...? I don't think I could take it if that happened.
...
But she saw me yesterday I think, the sobbing into a moldy blanket like a pathetic, lost animal, yet she still cold me to come.
Still looked at me like I wasn't disgusting.
...
Should I trust those eyes again...?
I didn't know what to do.
My instinct was screaming to run away, to hide more.
But then there was something else. Something smaller, quieter.
That maybe I should try and find something other than death.
...
...
...
The park wasn't far. I'd passed it plenty of times.
It wasn't much, just a few benches, an old jungle gym, but it was cold, and empty just like me.
...
When I arrived, she was there.
Sitting on a bench under the streetlamp, arms tucked around her knees like she'd been waiting a while, she looked cold.
...
She didn't jump up when she saw me, she just lifted her head and smiled at me.
Like she was telling me, It's okay. I'm still here.
...
I stood a few feet away with my mouth opened slightly in awe.
...
I didn't know how to talk anymore. I didn't know how to sit next to someone without feeling like I was infecting them with something.
But she patted the empty space beside her, she didn't say anything, only patted for me to join her.
...
"I'm sorry." I whispered, as I made my way over, then I sat down next to her, slowly.
I could smell her shampoo, which was weird, it was the same brand my sister would use.
I hated how much it reminded me of my sister, but I need to forget her anyways. Rewrite the memories, I think.
...
"I don't know how to do this," I whispered.
She looked at me. Her voice stayed soft. "Do what?"
...
"Talk. How to be... human again."
My hands gripped my knees. I felt like I was back in that tent. I felt fragile, like I could snap at a moments notice.
"You don't have to be anything," she said. "Not right now."
I turned my face away. My throat burned again.
...
"I'm... sorry I yelled at you."
"I know," she said.
"You scared me," I admitted. "Not because you did anything. But because... I didn't know if you'd ruin everything."
...
"I get it."
"Do you?" I asked.
...
"No," she admitted. "Not all of it. But I want to."
...
The silence after really wasn't that uncomfortable.
I liked talking with her, I think. Which scared me.
It just sat with us. Like a heavy blanket we both needed.
...
"I'm not going back," I said suddenly.
"To...who?
..."
I nodded.
"To them."
...
"You don't have to, you know. You don't have to go back."
...
My hands trembled. I looked down again. "I can't stay out here forever, though."
...
"I want to die out here; I want to be forgotten and left to rot."
...
"What...?"
..
Shit.
Shit, shit, my inner thoughts are slipping out again, did I say that out loud...?
...
Her face looked like she was about to cry, surprised, in agony from hearing that.
Like she actually gave a fuck about me anyways, I was alone out here, I built a wall around my heart and refused anyone away.
...
["She wants you dead."]
...
"I won't let you die." She said after a minute, her hand covering her mouth.
...
"I'm...sorry."
...
More silence.
...
Then her voice again said something I didn't expect.
"You can crash at my place if you want. I need to...keep an eye on you, before I regret it."
...
I blinked. "What?"
"Not forever, but for a bit. A shower, and something to sleep on that's you know, warm.
"I—"
...
"You don't have to say yes, but I will be watching you for a while. I'm going to make sure that you don't do something to yourself."
...
"I'll ruin everything," I said before I could stop myself.
...
"You won't."
"I always do. You don't know me."
...
"No," she said.
"But I know your eyes, they're the same as mine. Desperate."
...
I let out a broken sound that might've been a laugh.
Or maybe a sob. I didn't know anymore.
..
I wiped my face with my sleeve filled with holes, and dirt.
She stood, then reached out a hand toward me.
Not demanding. Not dragging me.
Just... offering.
I stared at it.
My hand didn't want to move.
But something in me did.
So, I took it.
...
And she didn't let go of me, like everyone else once did.
...
It was weird, who knew that the first person who'd actually try and connect with me, was some random store clerk...? It kind of makes me want to laugh...
I just need to make sure, that I pay her back for everything, no debt whatsoever.