the twins are six months old and teething like tiny piranhas
everything goes in their mouth
including the royal scepter
you know the one
the big shiny stick with moonstones on top that's literally the symbol of "i'm the king touch this and die"
yeah that one
now it's a chew toy
this morning regulus has the "global werewolf economy summit"
he's in full king mode robe crown the whole deal holding the scepter looking like he's about to drop the most serious speech of the century
i'm in the doorway with coffee watching him be hot
he kisses me kisses the babies struts into the conference hall like a boss
ten minutes later
blood-curdling scream
i run
scene of the crime:
scepter is gone
four kids sitting in a perfect circle on the throne room floor
aiden using it as a sword poking the marble
aurora holding it like a microphone singing "let it go" at the top of her lungs
damon and luna each on one end gnawing on it like it's corn on the cob
the top moonstone already has tiny tooth marks
drool everywhere
sparkly
regulus is on his knees in front of them looking like someone just murdered his dog
"that's… that's the scepter of power… three thousand years old…"
kids don't care
they just lick harder
damon drools so much it drips off the end
luna leaves a perfect bite mark on one of the gems
regulus tries to take it back
"babies daddy needs that for work"
aiden "NO MINE SWORD!!"
aurora "MY MICROPHONE!!"
damon and luna start crying
luna full meltdown
regulus panics tries to pry it away
scepter slips from all the spit
flies across the room
hits a minister in the head
minister "ow"
global live stream is already on
billions watching their king crawling on the floor trying to wrestle a drool-covered stick from four babies
chat explodes
"the scepter is a lollipop now???"
"those tooth marks are sending me"
"king regulus vs four drooling terrorists who wins"
regulus finally gets it back
it's soaking wet
covered in baby spit and bite marks
one gem is literally chipped
he looks at it like it's his dead pet
then
he does the most regulus thing ever
puts it in his mouth to "clean it"
just one lick
then realizes what he did
gags
spits
"why is it sweet"
kids all clap "DADDY LICK!!"
chat loses their minds
"HE LICKED IT"
"THE KING LICKED BABY SPIT"
"i'm dead bury me"
regulus face redder than a tomato
tries to act cool
walks to the podium holding the wet chewed scepter
"regarding the economy—"
aiden runs up grabs the bottom
"MY LOLLIPOP!!"
tug of war live on camera
regulus loses
scepter flies again
this time knocks over the microphone
feedback screech
luna starts crying
damon joins
aurora yells "CROWN TOO!!"
i'm in the back dying laughing filming everything
regulus finally gives up
sits on the floor with the scepter across his lap lets the kids lick it while he gives the speech
"as i was saying the mining rights—"
lick lick lick
he just sighs
"ignore the background noise my heirs are teething"
chat names him "Lollipop King"
the scepter is now officially retired to the nursery
regulus ordered a plastic duplicate for official business
the real one lives in the playpen with teeth marks and all
he kisses it goodnight every day
i'm married to an idiot
and i've never been happier