the twins are seven months now and crawling like tiny commandos
nothing is safe
not the curtains
not my sanity
and definitely not the imperial seal
that square jade thing with the "mandate of heaven live forever" carving that's been used to stamp every important document for three thousand years
gone
regulus is supposed to open the "global alliance emergency summit"
he's in full robe mode looking hot as hell
goes to grab the seal from the locked box
box is open
seal is missing
his face does that thing where it goes from normal to "i'm going to murder someone" in 0.2 seconds
"where is my seal"
i'm on the couch feeding luna "ask your offspring"
he storms to the playroom
then the scream
i waddle in as fast as a seven-month-postpartum whale can waddle
and i lose it
four kids in a circle
the imperial seal is in the middle covered in drool and what looks like mashed banana
aiden is using it as a stamp on the floor making little square prints everywhere
aurora is pressing it on her cheek leaving perfect "mandate of heaven" marks
damon and luna are straight up chewing on the corners like it's a teething toy
there's a bite mark on one edge
actual tooth indent
regulus drops to his knees
"my seal… the imperial seal… is play-doh…"
kids see him and think it's play time
they grab the seal and start stamping him
STAMP on his forehead
STAMP on both cheeks
STAMP on his nose
STAMP on his chin
he's got the full "mandate of heaven live forever" written across his face in red ink
looks like a human bingo card
the kids are clapping "daddy pretty!!"
i'm on the floor crying laughing
then the summit time hits
global live stream turns on automatically
billions watching
regulus still has no idea
he walks into the conference hall with the seal in one hand (covered in drool) and his face looking like a kid attacked him with a stamp pad
camera zooms in
chat explodes so hard the server crashes for six minutes
"THE KING HAS THE SEAL ON HIS FACE"
"MANDATE OF HEAVEN FOREHEAD TATTOO LMAOOOO"
"those are baby handprints on the seal i'm screaming"
regulus starts the speech
"fellow alphas regarding the alliance—"
door bursts open
four kids charge in waving the seal like a trophy
"DADDY STAMP STAMP!!"
aiden runs up and slams the seal on regulus's eye
perfect red square over his left eye
aurora stamps his lips
damon and luna crawl up his robe and stamp his neck
regulus now has the full imperial text all over his face and throat
he just stands there like "this is fine"
tries to keep talking
"the treaty will be—"
STAMP on his tongue because aurora thought it was funny
he gags a little
chat is dead
people are posting crying laughing emojis in every language
one alpha from the west continent actually falls off his chair laughing on camera
regulus finally gives up
sits on the throne with the seal on his lap lets the kids keep stamping him while he finishes the speech
"as i was saying the treaty is approved"
STAMP on his forehead again
"motion carried"
kids cheer
he looks at the camera with his stamped-up face
"meeting adjourned"
turns off the stream
then looks at me with the most broken expression
"i'm a walking document now"
i'm crying laughing holding my stomach
"you look like a certified idiot"
he starts laughing too
the seal is now officially a toy
he ordered a rubber duplicate for official use
the real one lives in the playpen with bite marks and ink stains
he kisses it goodnight every day like it's another kid
i married a clown
and i regret nothing
Author's Note:
cat is trying to eat the yogurt off my phone, damon is screaming for boob, my shirt is crusty, i think i have banana in my hair, this is my life now and i'm not even mad, muah chaos warriors