Late at night, inside Axel's adventurer mansion, everything seemed peaceful, aside from Aqua's earth-shaking snores, which had not a trace of Goddess-like dignity, and the occasional suggestive sleep-talking from Darkness.
And yet Kōichi tossed and turned in bed, unable to fall asleep.
Every time he closed his eyes, the image of Princess Iris's luxurious carriage appeared in his mind, trimmed with gold, draped in silk curtains, and carrying away the illusion known as wealth and glory as it disappeared into the distance.
Then he opened his eyes again and looked at his own bedroom, spacious though it was, yet steeped in poverty from every corner. The sheer contrast nearly tore his sanity apart.
"No. Why should I stay here and babysit those three problem children?"
Kōichi suddenly sat up in bed, a wicked gleam of enlightenment flashing in his eyes.
"Princess Iris admitted with her own mouth that I'm her 'friend'! Isn't it perfectly natural for friends to visit the Royal Capital, stay for a few decades, and freeload a little while they're there? Sorry, Kazuma. Brothers may be birds of the same forest, but when disaster strikes... no, when riches lie ahead, I'll fly first!"
He immediately rolled out of bed, lit a small candle, and smoothly pulled his travel backpack out from under the bed. He stuffed in a few changes of clothes and the last of his private savings, then spread out a sheet of parchment and wrote a deeply heartfelt farewell letter in bold, sweeping strokes.
"To my dearest comrade-in-arms, Kazuma Satou: By the time you read this letter, I will have already set off on a journey to seek the true meaning of life. Aqua's drinking money, the cleanup after Megumin's Explosion magic, and the correction of Darkness's perverted behavior are now all in the hands of a man with extraordinary adaptability: you. Do not come looking for me. I will pray for you from a luxurious bed in the Royal Capital. Your eternal brother, Kōichi."
After folding the letter, Kōichi blew out the candle and opened the door as quietly as a ghost. He avoided the creaky floorboard in the hallway and felt his way through the darkness to the pitch-black living room.
He planned to weigh the letter down on the coffee table in the center of the living room, then climb straight out the back window.
Just as he groped his way to the coffee table and set the letter down,
"Tap."
In the darkness, another hand slapped a sheet of parchment onto the coffee table at almost the exact same moment.
Their fingertips brushed against each other on the cold wooden surface, and the air seemed to freeze.
The hair all over Kōichi's body stood on end, and he instinctively leapt back a step. The shadowy figure across from him also let out a startled "Eek!" and expertly rolled behind the sofa, taking the opening stance for [Lurk].
By the faint moonlight filtering in through the window, Kōichi narrowed his eyes and made out the familiar figure hiding behind the sofa, dressed in night clothes and carrying a bulging travel pack.
"...Kazuma Satou?" The corner of Kōichi's mouth twitched.
"...Kōichi?"
Kazuma poked half his head out from behind the sofa. When he saw Kōichi carrying luggage too, the terror on his face gradually transformed into a spectacularly awkward expression.
The two fell into a dead silence that lasted a full ten seconds. Then, at the same time, their eyes shifted to the two letters lying side by side on the coffee table.
Kōichi reacted first, snatching up the letter Kazuma had put down. He skimmed it by moonlight and read it aloud on the spot.
"To Kōichi: Bro, I'm leaving that aqua-blue idiot and the crazy Crimson Demon Clan girl to you. I'm going to the Royal Capital to live it up with Little Sister Iris. Don't miss me... Kazuma Satou, you piece of trash!"
"What gives you the right to call me that?!"
Kazuma, both embarrassed and furious, jumped out and snatched Kōichi's letter.
"You're leaving Aqua's drinking money to me, and you'll pray for me from a big bed in the Royal Capital?! You sanctimonious beast! And here I thought you were a responsible big brother, but you were actually planning to ditch me and run off to become a kept man?!"
"Of course! Who wants to stay behind and clean up after those three disasters?!"
Kōichi lowered his voice and shouted with righteous confidence. "I'm going to the Royal Capital to build connections! This is for the future of our Party!"
"Bullshit! You just want to freeload off the princess! Take me with you, you bastard!"
Kazuma exposed him without mercy. The two grabbed each other by the collars in the dark living room, their scummy faces pressed close together, neither willing to give an inch.
Just as they remained deadlocked and were about to settle who had the right to flee to the Royal Capital with rock-paper-scissors, heavy footsteps suddenly sounded from the second-floor stairs.
A figure in aqua-blue pajamas appeared at the turn of the staircase, rubbing her eyes, her hair slept into something like a bird's nest.
"Yawn... Kōichi? Kazuma? Why are you two awake in the middle of the night? What are you doing in the living room with bags on your backs? Are you playing some kind of secret treasure hunt? I want to play too. Also, I'm really thirsty right now, so pour me a glass of ice water..."
Aqua let out a huge yawn and stared blearily at the two frozen in the middle of the living room.
Kōichi and Kazuma sucked in a breath at the same time, cold sweat instantly beading on their foreheads.
At that critical moment, Kōichi's and Kazuma's gazes collided fiercely in midair.
It was a telepathic exchange only true scumbags could understand.
Kōichi's eyes: Listen. If this idiot starts screaming and wakes up Megumin and Darkness, neither of us is getting out of here! You don't want to stay behind cleaning up after them either, do you?
Kazuma's eyes: Obviously! But why should I hand over the chance to freeload in the Royal Capital to you? If we go, we go together! We split the princess's meal ticket fifty-fifty!
Kōichi's eyes: Deal! First, we team up and fool this aqua-blue disaster!
In only half a second, the two reached the highest strategic agreement of the Royal Capital Freeloading Alliance.
"Gulp!"
They moved almost simultaneously.
Kōichi snatched back the letter in Kazuma's hand, while Kazuma reclaimed his own. Under Aqua's confused gaze, the two men crumpled the parchment full of betrayal and hypocrisy into balls without the slightest hesitation, shoved them straight into their mouths, chewed furiously as if they were eating lettuce, and forced them down.
"Uh... what are you two eating? Paper?" Aqua rubbed her eyes, her face filled with pure, transparent stupidity.
"Cough, cough! N-Nothing!"
Kōichi pounded his chest hard and swallowed the parchment stuck in his throat, instantly putting on an expression of noble righteousness with even a hint of emotion.
"Aqua, you woke up at the perfect time! Actually, Kazuma and I were in the middle of some deep self-reflection!"
"Exactly!"
Kazuma immediately caught on. He slapped a hand to his chest and spoke with deep anguish.
"When we thought about how tonight, the noble Goddess of Water, Aqua-sama, was unable to drink the finest sparkling wine because we had no money, our consciences were condemned! It was agony, like knives twisting in our hearts!"
"So!"
Kōichi pointed at the large travel packs on their backs and spoke in an intensely persuasive tone.
"We decided to set out overnight with these packs and head to the black market in the neighboring town... no, the late-night specialty liquor market, to buy you a full case of the finest top-grade brew, sparkling with golden bubbles! This is our atonement as your believers!"
Aqua's eyes, which had been half-closed with sleepiness, instantly widened like copper bells the moment she heard the words finest top-grade brew. Even the ahoge on top of her head perked up with excitement.
"R-Really?!"
Aqua clasped her hands to her chest, tears of emotion even sparkling in her eyes.
"Wah! Kōichi! Kazuma! You really are my most devout and wonderful believers! I knew I hadn't misjudged you! Then I want the strawberry-flavored kind, and make sure it has ice!"
"Leave it to us! Now hurry back to sleep. Staying up late is terrible for maintaining a Goddess's beautiful skin!"
Kōichi skillfully delivered the finishing blow.
"Mm-hmm! Then I'll look forward to your offerings in my dreams~ Hehehe, top-grade sparkling wine..."
Aqua wiped the drool from the corner of her mouth, turned around in satisfaction, and bounded back to the second-floor bedroom with light steps. A heavy door slam soon followed.
The living room fell into dead silence again.
Kōichi and Kazuma let out a long breath at the same time. Drained, they leaned against the sofa and wiped the cold sweat from their foreheads.
"Nice one, Kōichi. That idiot actually believed it." Kazuma lowered his voice, an extremely sleazy grin curling across his face.
"Right back at you. Your acting wasn't bad either."
Kōichi adjusted the shoulder straps of his backpack, his gaze sharpening once more. He held out his right hand.
"Then allow me to introduce myself again. I am Kōichi, about to head to the Royal Capital, place myself under Princess Iris's protection, and live a life of luxury and indulgence from this day forward."
Kazuma immediately reached out, and their two filthy hands clasped tightly together.
"I'm your partner, Kazuma Satou, soon to become a royal idler whose only job is counting gold coins every day. We split the Royal Capital freeloading life half and half!"
"Let's go!"
The two exchanged smiles, their faces filled with boundless longing for a bright future of wonderful and completely unearned living.
They quietly pushed open the mansion's front door and, like two cats that had caught the scent of fish, vanished into the deep night of Axel without looking back, heading for the road that led to the Royal Capital.