Over the next few days, the VIP area in the palace's east wing fell completely.
Kōichi and Kazuma not only adapted perfectly to their freeloading life in the Royal Capital, they pushed that life of luxury and indulgence to a depraved height never seen before and hopefully never to be seen again.
Even worse, the two seemed to have started secretly competing with each other, launching a bottomless arms race over who was the palace's number one parasite.
Early each morning, when the first ray of sunlight entered the palace, the maid-summoning bell in Kazuma's room would ring with deathlike punctuality.
"Hey, you. Mary? Susan? Whatever your name is. Come help me roll over."
Kazuma wore an absurdly expensive robe woven from ice silk specially supplied by the Elven race, lying sprawled like a puddle of mud on the velvet bed.
With his eyes half-lidded, he opened his mouth toward a royal maid standing beside him, whose face practically had I want to quit written all over it.
"Ah... this grape wasn't peeled cleanly enough. Peel another one. Also, the little toe on my left foot is kind of itchy. Use those soft fingers of yours to scratch it for me. Watch the pressure. I want it to feel like you're just barely touching it."
Of course, Kōichi in the next room was not about to lose.
As a self-proclaimed tactician, he had taken shamelessness to its absolute limit. Under the pretext of studying monster weaknesses and restoring the mental energy consumed by tactical simulations, he placed a horrifying order with the royal kitchen.
"For today's lunch appetizer, I want deep-sea giant monster tentacle sashimi. The main course will be tenderloin steak from a Crimson Lotus Volcanic Dragon. Remember, it must be grilled to medium-rare over Elven Fire!"
Kōichi wore a pair of pure-gold sunglasses he had acquired from who knew where, his entire body soaking in a huge white jade bathtub.
But the tub was not filled with water at all. It was filled with priceless Top-Grade MP Recovery Potion, radiating dense waves of magical power.
"Ah, bathing in this potion feels amazing. It's like every pore is breathing in the fragrance of money. Lady Rain, please play The Return of the War God on the harp over there. I need some inspiration."
Rain, who was standing at the bathroom entrance to monitor him, pushed up her reflective glasses and expressionlessly wrote a note in the small notebook she carried with her.
Kōichi. Wasted top-grade strategic supplies by using them for a bath. Recommend execution during future settlement.
By afternoon, the two would take their open and covert battle of extravagance to the large open-air balcony connecting their guest rooms.
Kazuma wore a diamond-studded crown he had found in some storage room, holding a glass of chilled century-old vintage wine as he glanced sideways at Kōichi.
"Well, well, if it isn't Brother Kōichi, the man who needs three layers of velvet on his toilet seat. What's wrong? Your eight personal chefs didn't make afternoon tea for you today?"
Kōichi had a luxurious coat made from polar snow fox fur draped over his shoulders. Even though it was summer, he had forced the magical air conditioning on for the sake of appearances. He sneered back.
"Right back at you. I heard someone made three maids take turns telling him bedtime stories last night, and because he asked them to imitate Succubus voices, he almost got arrested by the Knights' Order as a pervert."
"That's a lie! It was to train my mental resistance!" Kazuma snapped, red-faced with anger.
"Oh? Then who washed his feet with high-grade recovery potion, only to grow magic mushrooms instead of curing his athlete's foot?"
Just as the two were exposing each other's secrets and competing over who was more depraved, an extremely clear snap of breaking metal suddenly rang out from below the balcony.
The two leaned over to look and saw Claire standing in the garden, gripping a pure-steel knight's halberd that she had snapped clean in half with her bare hands.
A visible black aura of resentment rose from her body. Her eyes were bloodshot as she glared fixedly at the two men on the balcony, muttering like an evil spirit.
"Kill them... kill them... chop them up and feed them to the Slimes... I swear I'll kill those two scumbags defiling the royal family..."
"Gentlemen!"
Just then, Princess Iris ran onto the balcony like a cheerful breeze, completely failing to notice Claire below, who was on the verge of losing her mind.
Seeing Kōichi's and Kazuma's wildly exaggerated outfits, she not only failed to find anything wrong with them, she clasped her hands together, her eyes shining with admiration.
"Wow! Are Kōichi-san and Kazuma-san doing some kind of special training? Using expensive potions like water and wearing rare defensive gear as casual clothes. Is this the legendary transcendent state of top Adventurers who treat money like dirt?! It's so cool!"
Kōichi and Kazuma exchanged a look, instantly and tacitly dropped their scoundrel expressions, and put on looks of unfathomable depth.
"Ahem. Your Highness has a sharp eye." Kōichi pushed up his golden sunglasses and spoke in a deep voice. "This is my original Luxury Meditation Method. By indulging in extreme material comfort, I temper the resilience of my spirit."
"Exactly!" Kazuma puffed out his chest and adjusted the crown on his head. "We are always undergoing harsh training to protect Your Highness!"
Iris was so moved that her eyes reddened.
"You two work so hard! Tonight, I'll make sure the kitchen prepares an even grander dinner to reward you!"
From the garden below came the sound of Claire slamming her head into a stone pillar beside the fountain and passing out.
...
The Royal Capital, the Royal Guard Knights' exclusive infirmary.
Claire sat at a simple writing desk, her head wrapped in a thick bandage.
Her right hand, gripping a quill, trembled violently. Every word she wrote carved deep marks into the parchment, as if she were not writing a letter, but flaying Kōichi and Kazuma with a knife.
"To my most trusted close friend, Lalatina of the Dustiness family."
Claire read the contents of the letter through gritted teeth, tears bursting from the corners of her eyes from sheer humiliation and fury.
"I write this letter to you with a heart full of grief and despair. Those two degenerates from your Party, Kōichi and Kazuma Satou, have infiltrated the royal palace! They have deceived the pure Lady Iris with the vilest lies, and are now brazenly living in the VIP guest rooms, indulging in a life of outrageous luxury and utter depravity!"
Claire took a deep breath, trying to calm her blood pressure before it exploded. But the moment she thought of those two bastards' faces, she could no longer control her hand.
"Lalatina, you cannot possibly imagine how shameless they are! That bastard Kōichi actually bathes every day in priceless Top-Grade MP Recovery Potion! He even forces the royal chefs to grill him Volcanic Dragon steaks! And that scum Kazuma is even worse. Not only did he use his vulgar Thief skill to steal my... my personal garments, he also forces innocent maids every day to imitate Succubus voices for his amusement! Her Highness has already been corrupted by them and actually believes this is some advanced training method of treating money like dirt! Lalatina, as a fellow noble of the kingdom, I beg you to come to the Royal Capital immediately and take these two scumbags away! Otherwise, the dignity of the royal family will be trampled under their feet!"
After writing the final word, Claire roughly stuffed the letter into an envelope, sealed it with wax, and handed it to the royal carrier pigeon outside the window.
Watching the pigeon fly toward Axel, Claire's eyes flashed with the fierce light of revenge.
"Just you wait, you two scumbags. Your good days are over!"
...
Two days later, in Axel.
Darkness sat on the sofa, tightly clutching the urgent letter from the Royal Capital.
However, the expression on her face was not the noble fury or righteous indignation Claire had expected.
On the contrary, Darkness's cheeks were flushed an extremely abnormal red. Her breathing had grown strangely rapid, her legs rubbed restlessly together, and even her golden eyes were veiled in a hazy mist.
"Haa... haa..."
Darkness trembled all over, letting out heavy breaths that stirred the imagination.
"To actually... actually force innocent maids to make Succubus voices inside the sacred royal palace... and even flaunt their nouveau riche arrogance by bathing in top-grade potions in such a wasteful, punchable way... Those two are hopeless, bottom-tier perverted scum!"
She suddenly stood up, covering her burning cheeks with both hands as her body squirmed like a fish starved of oxygen.
"Unforgivable! How could such vile, humiliating treatment be inflicted on those innocent maids?! If they have that many twisted, filthy desires to release, they should aim them at me! I'm the Party's Crusader, the meat shield meant to endure their brutal abuse!"
Just as Darkness was sinking into her hopeless masochistic delusions, a hand suddenly reached out from the side and snatched the letter away.
"Let me see! What are those two shut-ins who ran off without telling me doing now?!"
Aqua widened her eyes and skimmed the letter at lightning speed.
The next second, even her hair seemed to stand up in rage, and her tears burst forth at once.
"Deep-sea giant monster tentacle sashimi?! Crimson Lotus Volcanic Dragon tenderloin steak?! And century-old vintage wine?! Waaaaah! Those two heartless bastards! They're eating supreme delicacies in the Royal Capital behind my back! I'm stuck in Axel gnawing cabbage every day, while they're rinsing their mouths with high-grade red wine! Unforgivable! I'm going to the Royal Capital and eating them into bankruptcy!"
"Wait, Aqua."
At some point, Megumin had appeared behind the sofa. Her red eye glowed with a dangerous light in the shadows, and the staff in her hand creaked from her grip.
"Didn't the letter just say that guy Kōichi is bathing in Top-Grade MP Recovery Potion?"
Megumin's voice was so low it sounded like an evil spirit from hell.
"One bottle of Top-Grade MP Potion would be enough for me to cast Explosion Magic three times in a row... and he's using it for a bath? This is blasphemy against magic! This is a challenge to a genius of the Crimson Demon Clan! I'm going to the Royal Capital, and inside that bathtub full of potions, I'll unleash the most perfect Explosion Magic and blow them, along with the royal palace, straight into the sky!"
Darkness, Aqua, and Megumin looked at one another. Although each of their reasons was bizarre and completely unrelated, in that moment, they reached an unprecedented strategic consensus.
"Destination: the Royal Capital! Subjugate Kōichi and Kazuma!" the three shouted in unison.