"Actually, here's what happened!"
Kōichi pointed righteously at the bewildered Dust beside him, his voice booming as though he were making a solemn declaration at the Adventurers Guild.
"Kazuma-san and I were on our way home after buying wine when our keen senses detected a shifty, suspicious blond lurking in this alley and practically reeking of criminal intent! Out of concern for Axel's public safety and a sense of responsibility for the noble lady who traveled here from afar, we had no choice but to lower ourselves to hiding beside the wall and closely monitor this repeat offender's every move!"
"That's right! That's exactly what happened!"
Kazuma reacted instantly, putting on an expression of profound indignation. He even made a show of brushing the dust from his clothes.
"Sena-san, as you know, I, Kazuma Satou, may have a few minor hobbies, but I've always had a clear sense of right and wrong when it truly matters! We were just about to restrain Dust before he could commit any further beastly acts when you arrived, bathed in the light of justice! This was the perfect collaboration between the law and its heroes!"
"Huh?! What kind of rainbow-colored spiral fart are you two spouting?!"
Dust's eyes nearly popped out of his head. He pointed at the two comrades who had been drooling beside him only seconds earlier, his entire body trembling with rage.
"Kōichi, you were the one praising that lady's elegance! And Kazuma, you were the one who said she was top quality! You bastards were crouching even lower than I was, and now you're dumping all the blame on me?!"
Kōichi shook his head with a pitying expression and turned to Sena.
"Sena-san, you see? Rambling after being caught red-handed and trying to drag innocent citizens down with him are classic signs that a criminal's psychological defenses have collapsed. I recommend intensifying the interrogation. Ideally, make him write a fifty-thousand-word confession."
"Y-you sadistic bastard! And you filthy shut-in NEET!"
Dust's eyes reddened with desperation as he lunged for Kōichi's leg.
"Sena-san! I have evidence! Kazuma just said he could die happy if he got to touch that lady's evening gown! Kōichi said he wanted to record the whole thing on a crystal! If I'm going down, you're all coming with me!"
Kazuma nimbly leaped aside and rebuked him with a righteous expression.
"Lies! I, Kazuma Satou, have a girlfriend now! How could I possibly say something like that? This is blatant jealousy and slander!"
Sena coldly watched the three heroes and delinquents tear into one another in the late-night alley. The veins on her forehead were throbbing so violently they seemed ready to burst through her skin.
Her briefcase creaked beneath her grip, while the guards behind her silently drew their batons.
"Enough!"
Sena barked, bringing the disgraceful verbal brawl to an end.
"Regardless of who was supposedly monitoring whom, gathering in the street late at night and making lewd comments about a noble is a serious offense in itself. Dust, you repeat offender, you're coming back to the station with me! As for you two..."
She swept a cold gaze over Kōichi and Kazuma.
"In light of your recent contributions in the Royal Capital, I'll give you an opportunity to explain yourselves tonight. That does not mean you've been cleared of wrongdoing. First thing tomorrow morning, I expect a detailed report on your observations of the city's defenses on my desk. Otherwise... heh."
Kōichi and Kazuma waved in perfect unison as the guards dragged Dust away.
"Dust! Prison serves three full meals a day, so don't worry about going hungry! Go in peace!"
Dust looked ready to devour them alive. His curses echoed throughout the alley as the guards dragged him away like a dead dog.
Kōichi and Kazuma maintained their righteous-citizen waves with perfect coordination until that blond head disappeared around the corner.
"Haa... Phew... That was close. I nearly ended up discussing philosophy with a bunch of burly men in prison."
Kōichi released a huge sigh of relief, and his previously straight back immediately sagged. He wiped the cold sweat from his forehead. The fright had apparently forced every trace of alcohol out through his pores.
"Kōichi, that performance was Oscar-worthy. A blond head reeking of criminal intent? I can't believe you came up with that... But what are we going to do about the defense observation report? I didn't even see what color underwear that lady was wearing... No, wait. I didn't even see her face!"
"We can just make something up. The important thing is showing the proper attitude."
Kōichi rubbed his temples and looked in the direction the noblewoman had gone.
The night had grown late, and Sena's intervention seemed to have prompted the woman to quicken her pace. All he could see now was a fading silver blur disappearing at the far end of the street.
For some reason, Kōichi felt an odd familiarity in that retreating figure. The lingering numbness from the alcohol, however, kept him from grasping what it was.
"Hey, Kazuma. We still haven't bought the wine."
Kōichi patted the heavy wallet in his pocket. Even after Aqua had wasted thirty million Eris, they still had enough left to buy every bottle of Bordeaux in Axel.
"You still coming? Unless I drink myself senseless, I have a feeling the guilt from betraying Dust will keep me awake all night."
"Of course I'm coming!"
Kazuma sprang upright, his eyes gleaming with the arrogance of a man who had finally found romantic success.
"To celebrate not getting arrested, and to celebrate Dust receiving free meals at the government's expense, we're drinking until we puke tonight!"
Kōichi looked at the beginnings of a sadistic grin on Kazuma's face and sighed helplessly.
As expected, the so-called heroes of this world were all hopeless losers at heart.
Still, a ridiculous life like this, where they never had to carry any real guilt, was not so bad.
In the end, the two decided to continue drinking at the Adventurers Guild.
...
Late that night, the Adventurers Guild was filled with the fragrance of malt liquor and the stale scent of old wooden floorboards.
The usually bustling tavern had grown quiet. Only a handful of veteran drunks remained, snoring in the corners with empty bottles clutched against their chests.
Seven or eight empty wooden barrels were already stacked beside the table in front of Kōichi and Kazuma. The two appeared to be engaged in some suicidal contest to see who could get alcohol poisoning first.
"Kōichi... I'm telling you... being a winner in love... being a winner in love is amazing..."
Kazuma's tongue had grown so heavy that he could barely move it. He lay spread-eagled across the bench, one hand still gripping his cup as he stared vacantly at the ceiling.
"Darkness might be a masochist... and Megumin might be an Explosion maniac who can only fire once a day... but they're... Hehehe... they're beautiful girls..."
"Yeah, that's true. Aside from their brains being a little broken, they're practically perfect."
Kōichi felt the entire world spinning around him. Propping his chin on one hand, he struggled to bring his vision into focus.
Before he could finish, the crisp click of high heels interrupted their drunken conversation.