I'm not alright.
I'm lost inside my mind again.
No matter which way I turn I can't seem to get out.
Something keeps calling me and I keep falling.
Deeper and deeper.
Endlessly deep.
Never ending dark.
Something is there, but I don't know what.
I'm scared.
Where do I need to go?
Wich way to turn?
I'm sure I always knew the way.
But know I don't.
It hurts.
The pain is overwhelming me.
I'm drowning in it.
Drowning in my memories.
Lost in my own illusions.
I try to keep everything inside.
Try to act normal.
To let no one know.
But I'm not alright.
I will never be alright.
No matter how many times I say it.
It hurts.
My despair is overwhelming me.
Or is it just self-pity?
I'm lost.
Lost my dignity.
Lost my way.
Lost myself.
She also was lost.
She would sometimes say she got lost on her way home.
She would always say it on the days she got home so late that it was already dark outside.
Back then I believed her.
Now I know that those words were lies.
White lies she use, trying to protect herself.
Protect me.
I'm scared.
Something inside me broke.
It broke the day she died.
It broke the day I died inside.
It broke over and over again until only shattered pieces were left.
I can't repair it.
None of it.
Not the scars inside of me.
Not the scars on my skin.
Not the scars they carry now.
Not the broken promises.
Not her scars.
Not her broken wishes.
Not her whispered pleas.
None of it.
Lies taste like ash.
My lies pile up.
A mountain of lies, piling up each day.
'I'm fine' has long ago turned into a lie.
I'm not fine.
Will never be fine again.
Or will I?
I'm tired.
I'm scared.
I try to live with my mind in shambles.
Try to keep everything inside.
It hurts.
But I know.
Even if I can keep all of it inside of me it won't work.
No matter how much pain I keep inside.
How much confusion.
How much pressure.
I try to ignore it.
Pretend none of it exists.
I'm alright!
Really!
Just leave me alone, I'm FINE!
My words repeat.
Turn into yells.
My mind is on a carousel, going round after round.
I'm lost.
Lost in my own mind.
In my own world.
In my own lies.
In my own broken promises.
In my own pain.
And because of that it's useless.
No matter how much I try to keep all of it inside.
Because I will never be alright.