POV Cole
After Lex left, I lost it, I completely and utterly lost it, not with anger this time but with heartache. I cried like a damn baby. Nearly ten years of my life wasted with one girl. I have been faithful to her through and through and in the end, she tore me the fuck apart.
I'm sorry Coley, I really did love you.
Her last words run through my head like a marathon on repeat. I did love you, when did it stop? When did it really start with Rylie? I have more questions than I do answers but when push comes to shove what does it matter? I don't get her in the end. Not that I would've done it but she didn't even try to reconcile our relationship.
I think about the pointlessness of finding out the answers about Lex and Rylie so I'm beginning to think the details of the accident are just as pointless. What's done is done and it can't be changed.
Tears continue to flow freely from my tired eyes. I've never cried so much in life. A light knock snaps me back to reality, I swiftly wipe the wetness from my face and shove the phone close to my eyes pretending to be preoccupied with something on it, it's 8:03 and Blondie hasn't made an appearance yet so it's gotta be her.
As expected Blondie walks in and I try to conceal my red puffy eyes.
"Hi Cole, Dr. Ridley will be in within the hour, is there anything I can get you?" Blondie asks sincerely.
I shake my head just wanting her to leave.
I open the Facebook app to busy myself and immediately a photo of Rylie and Lex pops up. She wastes no fucking time, it's nothing intimate but it doesn't need to be. I grip my phone hard in my hand and clench my teeth as I lose control of my emotions once again and tears spill. Please go away blondie, please.
"Alright, well just let kn…" she stops her spiel and I'm toast, she knows.
"Cole? Are you okay?" She doesn't quite move but I panic because I know it's only a matter of time before she does.
"Yes blondie, now go away," I manage to get the words out evenly.
I hold my breath as she ignores my request and walks slowly over to me, she takes my phone from my hands and looks down at me as I avoid eye contact. The warmth of her fingers under my chin feels so comforting as she lifts it and my eyes meet her blue ones. I should feel humiliated but I don't, the understanding emanating from her is what I so desperately needed from someone.
"What's wrong?" She whispers nearly inaudibly.
I close my eyes, the build-up of tears rushing out from the closing of my lids, and shake my head. The vacancy of her fingers on my chin feels cold now.
"Talk to me, Cole," Her voice is gentle and comforting.
"I'm such a little bitch," I brush my bicep against my eye to clear my vision.
She kneels down to the floor, it's been a while since I have been the one to look down at someone, and in my gut, I think she knows that.
"You're human," she tucks a loose stand of hair behind her ear, she's wearing it down today. "Let's make a deal, you tell me what got you so upset and I'll tell you what got me so upset last night."
I'm about to decline but my curiosity is piqued, "fine."
A few seconds pass and neither one of us speaks up first. She interlocks her fingers under her chin and looks at me expectantly.
I roll my eyes at her and cave, "Fine…" I grunt annoyed.
"My girlfriend, or uh, ex-girlfriend, Lex, came to see me today." I run my fingers through my hair that needs to be washed.
I look away from blondie and look out at the night sky from the bed, "she's in love with him. They've been sneaking around my back for a year."
Warmth spreads across my hand, her hand is covering mine. I look down at it and she promptly removes it like she didn't even notice it herself until I gave it attention with my eyes.
"Sorry," she whispers.
I shake my head at her unnecessary apology.
"Your turn," I encourage.
She lets out a breath, "Well.." She looks up at the ceiling like she's trying to decipher her words.
"There's this woman, whole life ahead of her right? Just got married, wants to start a family, and one day, recently, she found out she has stage four cancer, which has spread everywhere. She's been given at most six months to live," a tear falls, we're both a mess tonight. I feel for her it's gotta be so hard to experience these kinds of things.
She clears her throat and to my surprise she continues, "I know this may sound selfish and it's not right of me to compare myself but I can't help it. I'm healthy and able, yet I live my life as though I'm only existing, surviving but not truly living. If I were to die today I'd be disappointed in myself for not doing more, I work in a field that I don't even know if I'm happy in but was more so decided for me, on my off weeks I do next to nothing. I…" before she can go on there's a prominent knock on the door and without delay she's on her feet, unwrinkling her light blue scrubs like we were just about to get caught in the act. Dr. Ridley walks in with his head down and into his laptop.
"Oh Jess, there you are, I was looking for you," he says as though I'm not even here.
"Oh! Just checkin in on Cole here," she gives him her full attention and fakes a smile his way.
"308 is requesting you," he says, and then proceeds to focus on his laptop.
"Right on it," she says cheerfully. It's all just a mask isn't Blondie?
She doesn't give me a second look before she vanishes out of sight.
Dr.Ridley does whatever he does and the whole time the only thing on my mind is Blondie, the way she desperately needed to let it all out like she would implode if she didn't. When compared, my problems seem so minuscule to hers and to her, her problems are so minuscule to the girl she was speaking of. I always lived life thinking comparison was the thief of happiness but when it comes to this it couldn't be further from the truth. No matter where we stand in life someone is always going to have it better or worse off than you.