You know how in Ocean's Eleven they all ride away laughing, dividing the score? Slick suits, smooth jazz, everyone looking cool?
Yeah. This wasn't that.
This was more like Ocean's Negative-Two: The Prequel Where Everyone's Terrible And Also Covered In Blood.
The ride back to camp was silent except for the creak of wooden wheels and the nervous breathing of horses who could smell death on their riders. Hunter stared straight ahead, trying not to think about the wet chunks still stuck to his boots. The vibe was like being in an elevator after someone farted. Everyone knew. Nobody talked about it. But they all had to breathe.
Through his spiritual sense, Hunter felt his three "elite bandits" radiating misery. Tao kept nodding off, nearly falling off his horse every few minutes. Xuan was humming nervously, badly off-key, some tune that might have been a lullaby or a funeral dirge. Lex white-knuckled the reins like the horse might suddenly decide to buck him into a tree.
Can't say I'd blame the horse.
[LUNA] SO... THAT WAS YOUR FIRST RAID! ヽ(°〇°)ﾉ
Oh God, not now.
[LUNA] PRETTY GOOD FOR A NEWBIE! EXCEPT THE PART WHERE YOU CRIED OVER THE BODY PARTS
Hunter's eye twitched.
[LUNA] AND WHEN YOU QUOTED THAT MOVIE
His grip tightened on the reins.
[LUNA] OH AND WHEN YOU TRIED TO PUT THE GUARD BACK TOGETHER LIKE A JIGSAW PUZZLE
[LUNA] AND WHEN—
"Luna," Hunter said through gritted teeth. "I will find a way to delete you."
[LUNA] YOU CAN'T DELETE ME I'M IN YOUR SOUL (◕‿◕✿)
"I'll delete my soul then."
[LUNA] THAT'S CALLED DYING
"I'M AWARE."
Lex glanced back nervously. "Master, are you okay?"
"Fine. Everything's fine." Hunter forced a smile that probably looked more like a grimace. "Just talking to the voice in my head."
All three bandits nodded like that was completely normal. Which, to be fair, in a cultivation world it probably was.
The forest around them was too quiet. Birds had stopped singing. Even the usual rustle of small animals in the underbrush had gone silent, like nature itself was giving them a wide berth.
Smart. I'd avoid us too.
Through his spiritual sense, Hunter picked up a rabbit taking a shit forty meters away.
He did NOT need to know that.
He would never need to know that.
But now he knew it. Forever.
This is my life now. Forever aware of woodland creature bathroom habits. This is what I've become.
Two hours of awkward silence later, they finally reached camp. The sun was setting, painting the sky in shades of orange and purple that would have been beautiful if Hunter wasn't having the worst day of his life. Which, considering he'd been kidnapped by an interdimensional cultivation system and forced to become a bandit, was really saying something.
Hunter had imagined arriving back at camp like a conquering general. His men cheering. Maybe someone playing dramatic music. A feast prepared. Respect earned.
Reality: They all smelled like death, looked like death, and honestly felt like death would be an upgrade.
The blood had dried into his clothes like the world's worst papier-mâché project. It cracked when he moved. Flaked off in chunks. Somewhere, his third-grade art teacher Mrs. Henderson was screaming, and she didn't know why.
Hunter dismounted and immediately regretted it. His legs had gone stiff from the ride. He stumbled, caught himself on the horse, and tried to look dignified while his knees screamed.
[LUNA] GRACEFUL (◡‿◡✿)
"Shut up."
[LUNA] PRO TIP: BLOOD WASHES OUT BETTER IN COLD WATER!
"Thank you, Martha Stewart of Murder."
[LUNA] ALSO YOU MIGHT WANT TO BURN THOSE CLOTHES
Hunter looked down at his shirt. What had once been white was now a Jackson Pollock painting in crimson and brown.
[LUNA] ACTUALLY JUST BURN EVERYTHING
[LUNA] START OVER
[LUNA] NEW NAME, NEW LIFE, NEW DIMENSIONAL PLANE
"If only."
Tao, Xuan, and Lex dismounted with varying degrees of success. Tao actually made it look almost competent. Xuan got his foot stuck in the stirrup and hung upside down for a solid ten seconds before Lex helped him. They looked at Hunter with expressions that clearly asked: What now?
What now indeed.
Hunter cleared his throat. Time to be the leader. The master. The guy with a plan.
"Alright everyone, go clean up. We'll..." He paused, realizing he had no idea what came next. "We'll reconvene in an hour."
Reconvene. Look at me, using corporate jargon. Next I'll be asking them to circle back and touch base on our synergistic raid strategy.
The three bandits bowed and headed for the lake, leaving Hunter alone by the fire pit.
He sat down on a log and put his head in his hands.
I killed someone today. Again. And robbed fifty people. I'm a bandit. An actual, literal bandit.
The weight of it pressed down on his shoulders like a physical thing. Back in Boston, his biggest crime had been occasionally taking office supplies home. A few pens. Some sticky notes. Once, a stapler, but he'd felt so guilty he brought it back.
Now I'm out here quoting Liam Neeson and stealing people's life savings.
"What am I doing?" He whispered to no one.
[LUNA] SURVIVING (◕‿◕✿)
"That's not an answer."
[LUNA] IT'S THE ONLY ANSWER THAT MATTERS
[LUNA] YOU DIDN'T CHOOSE TO BE HERE
[LUNA] YOU DIDN'T CHOOSE THE BANDIT SYSTEM
[LUNA] YOU'RE MAKING THE BEST OF A TERRIBLE SITUATION
[LUNA] ALSO YOU'RE DOING GREAT SWEETIE ♥
Hunter laughed. It came out bitter and hollow. "I cried over body parts and then robbed farmers. That's not 'great.'"
[LUNA] YOU'RE ALIVE
[LUNA] THEY'RE ALIVE
[LUNA] COULD BE WORSE ¯_(ツ)_/¯
"How?"
[LUNA] YOU COULD BE THE GUARD
Fair point.
Hunter stood and walked to his cave chamber. He needed to think. Plan. Figure out what came next.
But first, he had rewards to claim and three idiots to turn into slightly less useless idiots.
An hour later, Hunter had changed into cleaner clothes, scrubbed most of the blood off, and mentally prepared himself for what came next. The three bandits sat around the fire, looking nervous. They'd cleaned up too, but the haunted look in their eyes remained.
Yeah. That doesn't wash off as easily.
Hunter pulled out the spiritual stone he'd taken from Clearwater Village. It pulsed with soft blue light, warm to the touch. Even now, just holding it made him feel more alert, more alive.
The three bandits stared at it like he'd pulled out a winning lottery ticket.
"Is it candy?" Tao asked, leaning forward. "It looks like candy."
Hunter blinked. "What? No. It's not candy."
"Can we sell it?" Xuan asked hopefully.
"What if we split it three ways?" Lex added, his business brain already calculating. "Would that triple the power?"
Hunter felt a migraine forming behind his eyes. The kind that started small and promised to become legendary.
"No. Nobody's eating it, selling it, or splitting it." He held up the stone. "This is a spiritual stone. It's going to help you break through to Body Refining Realm."
All three perked up at that.
"We'll be cultivators?" Tao's eyes went wide. "Real ones?"
"Real ones." Hunter confirmed, trying to sound confident instead of like someone who'd learned everything he knew about cultivation from a snarky system and pure dumb luck. "You'll be stronger, faster, tougher to kill."
"Will it hurt?" Xuan asked quietly.
Hunter remembered his own breakthrough. The feeling of his soul being microwaved from the inside while simultaneously frozen and set on fire. Physics didn't apply to cultivation suffering.
"Define hurt," he said carefully.
All three faces fell.
"But it'll be worth it!" Hunter added quickly. "You'll be powerful. Respected. You'll be able to defend yourselves instead of relying on me."
Or accidentally getting me killed because you're useless.
"Master," Lex raised his hand like he was in school. "Will we be as strong as you?"
Hunter thought about how he'd gotten his power. Accidentally killing a bandit leader with a boulder. Getting tortured by a system integration that was meant for someone else. Failing upward into every victory he'd stumbled into.
"Uh. Sure. Definitely. That's exactly how it works."
Through his spiritual sense, he felt their hearts racing with excitement. They had no idea what was coming.
Should I warn them? Tell them it'll feel like dying? That they'll purge literal toxic sludge from their bodies and smell like a biological weapon for hours?
Nah. Misery loves company.
[LUNA] YOU'RE TERRIBLE (ɔ◔‿◔)ɔ ♥
And you're enabling me, so what does that make you?
[LUNA] YOUR PARTNER IN CRIME! LITERALLY!
Hunter sighed and held up the spiritual stone. "Alright, here's how this works. This stone contains pure qi. You'll absorb it, circulate it through your meridians, and it'll help you break through to the first level of Body Refining."
"What are meridians?" Tao asked.
"Energy channels in your body."
"What's qi?" Xuan asked.
"Life energy. Magic. The thing that makes cultivators cultivators."
"What's circulate mean?" Lex asked.
Hunter stared at them. Then at the sky. Then back at them.
I'm teaching cultivation to people who don't know what circulation means. This is fine. Everything's fine.
"Just... just sit in a circle around the stone. When you feel the energy entering your body, try to guide it. Like..." He searched for a metaphor they'd understand. "Like steering a horse, but the horse is inside you and made of lightning."
All three nodded like that made perfect sense.
Of course they did.
"Oh, and one more thing." Hunter held up a finger. "When the impurities start purging, whatever you do, DON'T hold it in."
"Master, what does that—"
"You'll know. Trust me. You'll know."
He placed the spiritual stone on the ground. Immediately, it began to glow brighter, responding to the potential cultivators around it. The bandits formed a circle, sitting cross-legged, trying to look serious and mostly succeeding.
"Remember," Hunter said, stepping back. "This is actual cultivation. Not a thirty-year employment scheme."
Lex looked disappointed. "But Master, the employment scheme was foolproof."
"LEX, WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS."
"Just saying, steady income, benefits, retirement plan—"
"YOU'RE ABOUT TO REFORGE YOUR BODY WITH COSMIC ENERGY. CAN WE PLEASE FOCUS?"
Lex shut up.
Hunter took another step back. "Alright. Close your eyes. Clear your minds. Let the energy flow."
They closed their eyes. The stone pulsed brighter. Hunter felt the qi in the air shift, swirling around the three mortals like a hungry predator deciding which one to eat first.
This is like that scene in The Matrix where Neo learns kung fu. Except instead of 'I know kung fu,' it's more like 'I know agony.'
[LUNA] NEVER SEEN IT ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Hunter's eye twitched. How have you never— You know what, never mind. You live in my head. You've probably seen my memories.
[LUNA] OH YEAH! THE SCENE WHERE YOU CRIED AT THE PIZZA COMMERCIAL WAS GREAT
I was twenty-one and drunk and it was a very emotional commercial about family.
[LUNA] SURE SURE (◡‿◡✿)
The qi began to enter the bandits' bodies. Hunter watched through his spiritual sense as the energy found their unopened meridians and started forcing them open like a lockpick made of knives.
Any second now.
Tao's eyes snapped open. "Master, I feel—"
Then the screaming started.
"WHAT IS THIS?!" Tao's body arched like something from The Exorcist. His eyes rolled back. Foam appeared at his mouth. "MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE!"
Xuan, who hadn't started his breakthrough yet, scrambled backwards. "Master, is he dying?"
"Probably not." Hunter said, which was true but not reassuring. "Maybe. I don't know, I'm not a doctor."
[LUNA] TECHNICALLY YOU'RE A BANDIT KING! CLOSE ENOUGH (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧
That's not how any of this works.
Tao's screaming intensified. His body convulsed so hard he started rolling. Down the slight incline they'd chosen for their camp. Picking up speed.
"No no no, stay in one place when you're dying!" Hunter ran after him.
He got three steps before tripping over Xuan, who chose that exact moment to begin his own breakthrough.
Now two of them were screaming.
"This is fine," Hunter muttered, picking himself up. "Everything's fine. This is a normal Tuesday in the murder forest."
Tao had rolled into a tree. He lay there, still convulsing, black sludge beginning to pour from his skin like someone had punctured a septic tank.
Oh God, the smell.
The impurities hit like a tidal wave of everything horrible. If death had a smell, and that smell had gone bad, and then someone weaponized it, it still wouldn't compare to the stench of three mortals purging decades of accumulated toxins simultaneously.
Xuan projectile vomited from the smell alone. Unfortunately, he was mid-breakthrough, so the vomit came out black and wrong and somehow smelled even worse than the sludge.
Lex took one look at his two companions, smelled the air, and passed out cold.
His body hit the ground, triggering his own breakthrough automatically from proximity to the spiritual stone.
"You've got to be kidding me." Hunter stared at three grown men simultaneously experiencing the worst day of their lives. "How is this my life?"
[LUNA] WOW LOOK AT THEM GO!
[LUNA] SO MUCH SLUDGE!
[LUNA] THIS IS GOING GREAT ✧.ヾ(.>﹏<.)ノﾞ✧.
"Luna, they're screaming like someone's stealing their souls!"
[LUNA] WELL TECHNICALLY THE PROCESS DOES INVOLVE SOME MINOR SOUL RESTRUCTURING
Hunter's blood went cold. "WHAT."
[LUNA] KIDDING! KIDDING! PROBABLY.
"PROBABLY?!"
[LUNA] RELAX IT'S FINE THEY'LL BE FINE LOOK HOW MUCH THEY'RE GROWING ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
Hunter watched as Tao's body literally expanded. Muscles formed where there had been none. Bones cracked and reset into stronger configurations. The man was being rebuilt from the ground up, and he was conscious for all of it.
Yeah, that's not horrifying at all.
Xuan had stopped screaming and started laughing. High-pitched, unhinged laughter that echoed through the forest and probably scared every animal within a mile radius.
Lex just twitched. His entire body spasmed in rhythm, like someone was electrocuting him at regular intervals. Which, given that cultivation was basically forcing lightning through unprepared mortal meridians, wasn't far from the truth.
Hunter sat down on a rock and put his head in his hands.
I did this. I forced them into this. They didn't choose cultivation. They didn't choose me. They're slaves having their souls rewritten because I need them to not be useless.
The guilt hit like a punch to the gut.
Am I the villain?
He looked at his hands. Still stained with blood he couldn't fully wash off. The guard's blood. Mixed with dirt and the general grime of living in a forest.
No wait, we established that already at Clearwater Village. The real question is: am I okay with being the villain?
Tao screamed again. Xuan's laughter turned to sobs. Lex's twitching intensified until Hunter worried he might actually shake himself apart.
Yeah. I guess I am.
The realization should have felt worse. Should have been some big dramatic moment where he questioned everything.
Instead, it just felt inevitable. Like watching a car crash in slow motion. You saw it coming. You knew it would happen. And when it did, all you could do was deal with the aftermath.
Hunter sat there for a long moment, listening to the symphony of suffering around him. His three bandits were still going through their transformations. Still screaming, laughing, twitching through the worst experience of their lives.
And him? He was just... sitting here. Watching. Accepting it.
His spiritual sense drifted outward, desperate for anything ordinary. A squirrel scolding from a branch. A rabbit thinking hard about absolutely nothing. He found both and held onto the sensation longer than he should have.
There. Proof the world could still be dumb and harmless and not about him.
For now, at least.