Black Bulls Base - Laundry Room
08:00 AM
"This itches."
Saitama tugged at the collar of the formal wear Vanessa had drunk-sewed for him at 3 AM. It was a suit. Technically.
But since Vanessa had used her "Red Thread of Fate" magic while heavily intoxicated, the suit had issues. The left sleeve was shorter than the right. The pants were tight in weird places. And there was a stubborn cat motif stitched onto the back that Saitama couldn't see but definitely sensed was mocking him.
"Quit whining," Yami leaned against the doorframe, cigarette smoke creating a gray halo around his head. "It's a Captains' meeting. If you go in there wearing your pajamas and a bedsheet, they'll arrest us for treason. Again."
"It's a hero suit," Saitama corrected, adjusting his red gloves. He kept the gloves. He refused to take them off. Formal wear or not, a hero needs gloves.
Genos stepped out from behind a changing screen.
The room went silent.
Genos was wearing a tuxedo. But he had fused the fabric into his metal plating for a "seamless aerodynamic fit." He also had polished his faceplate until it was literally blinding.
"Master," Genos buzzed, checking his tie in the mirror (which cracked under his gaze). "I have downloaded the complete 'Royal Protocol' database. I have analyzed 4,000 variations of bowing. I am prepared to offend no one. Unless they offend you. In which case, I will incinerate them."
"Don't incinerate the royals, Genos," Saitama sighed. "They usually have good catering."
"Understood. Incineration protocols on standby. Gluttony protocols active."
"Let's go, weirdos." Yami grabbed them by the shoulders. "And Saitama? Don't talk unless someone asks you a question. Actually, don't talk even then. Just nod. And for the love of god, don't punch the Wizard King."
Royal Capital - Meeting Hall of the Magic Knights
The hall was impressive. It looked like a cathedral made of gold and ego.
Towering stained-glass windows depicted ancient victories. A massive round table sat in the center, radiating enough heavy mana to crush a normal human flat.
The Captains were already there.
Nozel Silva sat with his arms crossed, an ice sculpture of disapproval. Fuegoleon was calm but tense, his flame arm flickering. Charlotte Roselei was trying desperately not to look at Yami, while Jack the Ripper was actively licking a blade and giggling.
Dorothy Unsworth was asleep. Rill Boismortier was painting a caricature of Jack on a napkin. The Orca Captain, Kaiser, looked like he wanted to go home.
The doors creaked open.
Yami strolled in. "Sup. Brought guests."
He didn't just walk in. He sauntered.
Behind him, Genos marched with robotic precision, metal footsteps clanging echoingly: CLANK. CLANK. CLANK.
And Saitama... shuffled. He looked around the room, scratching his back through the tight suit.
"Nice ceiling," Saitama commented. "Needs dusting though."
Every eye in the room locked onto the bald man. The tension snapped.
"Is this him?" Jack the Ripper stood up, a green scythe appearing in his hand. "The one who broke the sky? Keke... He looks soft. Cuttable."
"Sit down, Jack," Fuegoleon commanded. "Look at his stance. It's completely open. Amateurish. Yet..."
"Yet there isn't a single opening," Charlotte finished, eyes narrowed. "It's maddening."
Julius Novachrono stood at the head of the table. He wasn't acting like the ruler of the nation. He was acting like a kid who just met Santa Claus.
"Welcome!" Julius zipped across the room in a blur of time magic, appearing instantly next to Saitama. "I see you found clothes! Does the fabric restrict your movement? Can you still generate infinite kinetic force?"
Saitama blinked. "Uh, hi. Is there a buffet?"
"Food later!" Julius herded them to seats. "Sit! We have serious matters. The Diamond Kingdom retreat. The Midnight Sun. But first..."
Julius waved his hand. A magical projection appeared in the center of the table. It showed the video footage from the Diamond Kingdom's destroyed tank. Specifically, the moment Saitama flipped it.
"We need to discuss Category: Saitama," Julius announced beaming.
Nozel stood up. "Wizard King, surely you jest. Categorizing a man with no mana as a military asset is unprecedented. He is a risk. An uncontrolled variable."
"Variable?" Genos stood up. His chair disintegrated.
"Listen here, you pompadour-haired aristocrat," Genos's voice modulated into threatening bass. "Master Saitama is not a variable. He is the Constant. He is the anchor upon which your fragile reality clings. If he sneezed, your kingdom would need a new map."
"Genos, sit," Saitama mumbled. "And nice hair insult. Keep that one."
Nozel's eyebrow twitched violently.
"We just want to know what you are," Fuegoleon asked, reasonable but firm. "You utilize no magic. No spirit arts. No cursed energy. Yet you casually dispose of threats that require entire squads."
Saitama looked at the gathered elites. The strongest mages in the land. They all wore fancy capes and badges. They all cared so much about power, rankings, status.
It reminded him of the S-Class meetings.
"I just trained," Saitama said flatly. "That's it."
"Impossible!" Jack shrieked, slicing the table edge. "Muscles alone cannot cut magic! I want to dissect you!"
"Gross," Saitama said.
Suddenly, trumpets blared.
Loud, annoying, fanfare trumpets.
The heavy double doors at the far end of the hall swung open.
"MAKE WAY!" a herald screamed, voice cracking. "FOR THE SOVEREIGN RULER OF THE CLOVER KINGDOM! THE LIGHT OF THE REALM! HIS MAJESTY, KING AUGUSTUS KIRA CLOVER XIII!"
Yami sighed loudly. "Ah, crap. The idiot's here."
Saitama leaned to Yami. "Is this the boss?"
"Unfortunately," Yami grunted. "Just pretend you're a statue."
King Augustus walked in.
He was... dazzling. Not in a good way. In a "looking directly at a high beam" way. He wore so much gold he jingled. His beard was overly groomed. His ego arrived five seconds before his body.
"Wizard Kiiiiing!" Augustus whined, floating slightly with light magic just to be taller than everyone. "Why was I not informed of the victory at Kiten sooner? I need to prepare my victory speech! The people need to know their King repelled the invaders!"
Julius smiled, the patient smile of a tired parent. "Ah, Augustus. We were just debriefing. Actually, the heroes of the battle are right here."
Julius pointed to Saitama and Genos.
Augustus stopped floating. He lowered himself to the floor. He looked at Saitama.
Saitama was picking a piece of lint off his suit.
"Him?" Augustus scrunched his nose. "This... peasant? He looks like a hard-boiled egg left in the sun."
The room went quiet. Deadly quiet.
Yami grabbed his katana hilt, just in case Genos decided to commit regicide.
Saitama looked up. "Are you talking to me, shiny guy?"
"Shiny?!" Augustus gasped. "I am Luminous! I am the King! You should be bowing! Forehead to the floor! Now!"
Saitama just stared. He had faced monster kings, deep sea kings, alien overlords. They all yelled the same stuff.
"My back is kinda stiff from the lumpy mattress," Saitama said. "Can't bow. Doctor's orders."
Augustus turned purple. "Insolence! Do you know who owns this land? Who allows you to breathe this air?!"
"Technically," Saitama noted, "plants make the air. You don't really do anything."
GASP.
Every Captain froze. Even Dorothy woke up. You didn't just tell the King he does nothing. Even if it's true. Especially if it's true.
Augustus was shaking. Not from fear. From rage. "I... I AM THE KING! I possess the Royal Light Magic! I am stronger than all of you!"
Augustus raised his hand. "I will teach you your place, commoner scum! Punishment Magic: Pillar of Sacred Justice!"
A massive, blinding pillar of light erupted from the floor, engulfing Saitama. It was meant to be agonizing. It was meant to force submission through sheer magical pressure. It dazzled the entire room. The Captains shielded their eyes.
"Hah!" Augustus laughed triumphantly. "Burned to ash! That is the price of—"
"Hey."
The voice came from inside the pillar.
"It's bright in here. Can you turn off the switch?"
Augustus stopped laughing.
The light faded.
Saitama stood there. Unharmed. His suit was a little singed (Vanessa's magic held it together), but he looked bored. He was shielding his eyes with a hand.
"How?!" Augustus screamed. "That was Holy Light!"
Saitama walked forward. The King floated back, sweat breaking on his forehead.
"You're dazzling," Saitama said, stepping closer. "Too much glitter."
"Stay back!" Augustus fired a light-bolt.
Saitama caught it.
He literally caught the beam of light. He grabbed the photon stream like a stick.
"Physically... grabbing... light..." Nozel whispered, his logic centering shattering. "Physics shouldn't allow..."
Saitama crushed the light beam. It shattered into sparks.
He stood in front of the King. He leaned in close.
Augustus squeaked. "P-Please! I have money! I have titles!"
Saitama stared him dead in the eyes.
"You have something on your nose."
Saitama reached out.
The King flinched, closing his eyes, expecting death.
Saitama flicked the King's nose.
Thwack.
It was a gentle flick. A "killing a mosquito" flick.
But Saitama underestimated his strength against royal cartilage.
The King went spinning. He performed a triple backflip, crashed through the buffet table in the corner, and landed face-first in a bowl of punch.
Silence.
Saitama looked at his finger. "Oops. Thought it was a booger. It was a mole."
"HE ASSAULTED THE KING!" A royal guard screamed from the door.
Genos stepped forward, charging his cannons. "He removed a blemish. It was a cosmetic procedure. You should be thanking him."
Yami put his face in his hands. "We're going to prison. Definitely prison."
Then, a sound cut through the silence.
"BWAHAHAHAHA!"
Jack the Ripper was laughing. Hysterically.
Then Julius started giggling.
Then Fuegoleon smirked.
The King sat up, punch dripping from his beard, a slice of orange stuck to his forehead. He looked so ridiculous, so utterly stripped of dignity, that the heavy tension of the "Royal Presence" evaporated.
"My... my nose..." Augustus whimpered.
"Clear the room!" Damnatio Kira walked in from the shadows. The Chairman of the Magic Parliament. He carried scales in his hand. He looked at the chaos. He looked at the King in the punch bowl. He looked at the bald man wiping his hand on his pants.
Damnatio adjusted his glasses. "This meeting is adjourned due to... unforeseeable absurdity."
Outside the Palace - Sunset
They were kicked out. Surprisingly, not arrested. Mostly because Julius laughed it off as "Unconventional Diplomacy" and Damnatio decided prosecuting a man who caught light with his bare hands was a bureaucratic nightmare he didn't want to start on a Tuesday.
Yami was smoking three cigarettes at once.
"You," Yami pointed at Saitama. "Are a disaster magnet."
"He started it," Saitama defended, eating a canape he had stolen from the wrecked buffet table. "Who wears that much gold? It's tacky."
"You flicked the King," Yami shook his head. "Do you know the political fallout? The paperwork?"
"I don't do paperwork," Saitama said.
Genos chimed in. "I have already hacked the royal administrative servers and filed form 7B: 'Accidental Contact during High-Stress Environment.' We are legally clear, Master."
Yami stared at the cyborg. "You hacked the Kingdom?"
"Their firewall was weak. Password was 'Password123'."
Yami sighed. He laughed. It was a deep, belly laugh.
"I like you guys. You make my headache worse, but you make the world funnier."
Suddenly, the sky darkened. Not sunset dark. Unnatural dark.
Genos snapped his head toward the North.
"Master," Genos said, voice dropping the comedic tone instantly. "Sensors detecting seismic activity. And... screams."
Saitama stopped chewing. He swallowed the canape.
"Monster?"
"Not monster," Genos narrowed his eyes, zooming in with his optics. "Humanoid. Massive grouping. The Capital is being surrounded. Teleportation signatures everywhere."
Yami threw his cigarette down. He grabbed his communication device. "Finral! Status!"
static
"Captain! They're everywhere! It's the Eye of the Midnight Sun! They aren't attacking the border—they're inside the Capital! Hundreds of them!"
The joyous mood of the King's humiliation vanished.
Explosions began to flower across the city skyline. Green fire. Zombies. Chaos.
"Looks like the meeting is back on," Saitama said, adjusting his glove.
Yami drew his katana, dark magic swirling. "Genos, can you track the leader?"
"Signal triangulation active," Genos's core began to spin. "Source detected. The floating rock above the city."
Saitama looked up. A massive rock island was descending from the clouds. Standing on it was a figure in white robes. Licht.
Saitama cracked his knuckles.
"Hey, Yami."
"Yeah?"
"If I punch that rock... will I get in trouble for littering?"
Yami grinned. "Baldy, if you punch that rock, I'll buy you the most expensive steak in the realm."
Saitama's eyes flashed.
"Deal."