The twins were exactly one month old and I was finally out of confinement.
I thought "great, I can walk again without looking like a penguin".
Wrong.
Regulus had turned into a human helicopter.
He followed me everywhere with a pillow "in case you fall", tested every glass of water with his elbow like I was a newborn, and if I sighed too loud he panicked and called the doctor.
I was one step away from locking him in the dungeon.
Then came the night that broke him.
2:58 a.m.
Damon and Luna both decided it was shit o'clock at the exact same second.
The smell hit like someone opened a bio-weapon.
I groaned from half-dead sleep: "Babe… diapers…"
Regulus shot out of bed like I yelled "assassin", grabbed both screaming babies, and bolted to the nursery.
I rolled over thinking "finally five more minutes".
Big mistake.
Four minutes later I hear the most heartbreaking wail I've ever heard from a grown man.
I waddle in as fast as my still-swollen everything allows.
Picture the scene.
The King of all Lycans is on his knees in the middle of the nursery floor wearing nothing but boxer briefs, hair looking like he lost a fight with a lawnmower.
Damon is in his left arm, Luna in his right.
Damon's little fire hose is pointed straight at Regulus's face and firing full blast.
Perfect arc.
Straight into his open mouth because he was mid "who's daddy's big boy".
Luna is laughing so hard she's kicking poop across his chest like finger paint.
Regulus is frozen.
Piss dripping off his chin.
Poop smeared on his abs.
Eyes huge like he just saw the end of the world.
I lose it.
I laugh so hard I have to hold the door frame or I'm going down.
He looks at me with pure betrayal.
"I… I followed the tutorial…"
I thought I had it under control…"
I'm wheezing "You forgot the shield didn't you"
He whispers "shield?"
That's when Aiden and Aurora show up in the doorway with their blankets, hair sticking up, eyes wide.
Aiden points and screams "DADDY GOT PEE PEE FACE!!"
Aurora claps "Yellow fountain!!"
Regulus sits back on his heels, babies still in his arms, covered in every fluid known to parenthood, and starts crying.
Real tears.
"I'm the worst father in history…"
The twins (the big ones) think this is the best show ever and dogpile him.
"Cry baby daddy!!"
"More pee!!"
Damon and Luna are giggling like tiny drunk villains.
I'm on the floor crying laughing.
I finally crawl over with a towel and start wiping his face.
"You're doing great, stinky."
He sniffles "They hate me"
Luna chooses that moment to fart so loud the mobile spins.
Aiden falls over laughing.
Aurora yells "TOOT SYMPHONY!!"
Regulus looks at me with the most broken expression in existence.
"I used to make armies kneel…"
I kiss his wet forehead "Welcome to the club, Your Majesty"
The next morning the entire palace knew.
Group chat was apocalyptic.
Head Guard posted blurry pics with "new royal shower system"
Chef asked if His Majesty wanted "yellow soup" for breakfast
Even the 800-year-old elder sent a crying emoji
Regulus tried to act cool at breakfast but his hair still smelled like baby pee.
The twins just gave him gummy smiles like they were innocent angels.
Little monsters.
That night he declared war.
He spent four hours watching diaper tutorials on 0.5 speed.
Practiced on dolls wearing full hazmat goggles and gloves.
I caught him at 5 a.m. doing tactical rolls across the nursery yelling "INCOMING!!"
I filmed it.
It's my lock screen now.
Fatherhood is destroying him piece by piece and I've never been happier.