Chapter 17: The Kids Turned the Sacred Crown Into a Potty and Regulus Wore It to Court Still Dripping – Ultimate Nuclear Long Chaos Edition
the twins were exactly two months old and i was finally allowed to walk without regulus hovering like i was made of spun sugar
first morning of real freedom,It felt like meeting a long-lost old friend.
i wake up stretch roll over,My body jumped up immediately. Oh my god, this is terrible! The sky is falling!
the sacred crown is gone
the one that's been in the royal family for three thousand years
nine moonstones bigger than my thumb
worth more than three small countries
What should I do? Will my man yell at me?
i march to regulus who's pretending to read reports
"where is it"
he goes stiff like someone poured cement in his spine
"don't… don't ask"
"Regulus"
"nursery"
i storm in like a hurricane
and die
aiden is wearing the crown as a hat
wobbling around like a drunk toddler emperor
aurora has turned it into a basket
full of wooden blocks a half-eaten banana and her favorite stuffed bunny
damon and luna are both squatting inside it
peeing in perfect harmony
little yellow waterfalls cascading over the moonstones
bubbling
foaming
the sacred crown of the lycan empire
is a potty
full
i scream
regulus runs in
sees the scene
drops to his knees on the nursery floor
"my crown… the ancestral crown… my great-great-great-grandfather wore this when he united the packs… is a toilet…"
the kids think this is the best game ever
dogpile him
"DADDY SAD!!"
"CROWN GO SPLASH SPLASH!!"
"DADDY WEAR!!"
regulus hugs the piss-soaked heirloom to his chest
actual tears
"i have no face left to see my ancestors…"
i'm on the floor laughing so hard i'm crying
my stomach hurts
morning court in ninety minutes
backup crown is "missing" (later found floating in the bathtub with six rubber ducks and a plastic submarine)
no choice
he takes the sacred crown to the royal bathroom
washes it once
shakes it like a wet dog
water flying everywhere
puts it on
still dripping
walks to the throne hall
hair wet
crown dripping
faint smell of baby pee mixed with royal lavender soap
the entire court of two hundred alphas and nobles
dead silence
one old minister coughs
"your majesty… your crown appears to be… moist"
regulus deadpan
"my children blessed it with holy water this morning"
someone in the back row snorts
then the whole hall loses it
laughter echoing off the marble
some alphas crying
one guy actually pees himself
regulus stands there dripping on the thousand-year-old carpet
face red
crown still leaking
he waits for the laughter to die
then raises one eyebrow
"anyone else want to comment on royal sanitation?"
silence
he sits
SQUELCH
more water
he sighs
"meeting adjourned until i find a dry crown"
walks out
dripping
kids waiting in the hallway
aiden "daddy wet!!"
luna claps "crown shiny!!"
he kneels
lets them hug him
piss water and all
"daddy loves you monsters"
i'm filming everything
this video trend #PissCrownKing for six months
he never lived it down
still wears the same crown
says the pee stains give it "character"
i married a man who wore a potty to court
and somehow made it regal