The twins were three and a half months old and I was finally feeling like a human again.
My boobs weren't leaking every five seconds, my ankles weren't swollen like balloons, and I could actually see my feet when I looked down.
Big mistake thinking that meant peace.
Regulus decided it was "family bath night" and announced we were all taking a bath together.
I told him it was a terrible idea.
He said "I'm the king, I can handle four kids in water"
I should have locked the door.
He turned the east wing bathroom into Disneyland.
The giant marble tub (the one that's basically a swimming-pool sized) was filled with bubbles, rubber ducks, toy boats, those little plastic fish that squirt water, the works.
Aiden and Aurora jumped in screaming like it was summer vacation.
Damon and Luna got put in their baby floaties looking like tiny evil geniuses plotting world domination.
Regulus stripped to swim trunks, showing off abs that still made me stupid, and got in the middle like he was running a military operation.
I sat on the edge with my feet in the water eating grapes, already knowing this was going to end badly.
First five minutes were cute.
Then Aiden discovered the detachable shower head.
You know the one.
He pulled it off the wall and turned it on full blast.
Water everywhere.
Aurora grabbed the bubble bath bottle and dumped the whole thing in.
Bubbles exploded to the ceiling like a volcano.
Regulus tried to grab the bottle, slipped on the soap, and face-planted.
Splash the size of a tsunami.
Damon got hit with a wave, floatie flipped, baby upside down.
Regulus panicked, lunged to save him, slipped again, took Aurora down with him.
Aurora came up coughing and laughing and grabbed the shower head from Aiden.
Now it's war.
Water spraying in every direction.
Luna is kicking like she's trying to swim to freedom.
Damon is crying because bubbles in his eyes.
Regulus is trying to stand up but the floor is pure soap now.
He grabs Aiden, Aiden squirts him straight in the face.
Regulus yells "BETRAYAL FROM MY OWN BLOOD"
Luna chooses that moment to pee in the water.
The bubbles turned yellow in one spot.
Aurora screams "TREASURE ISLAND!!"
Water is pouring out of the tub like Niagara Falls.
The marble floor is a skating rink.
I'm still on the edge eating grapes watching my husband get owned by infants.
Then Regulus tries to do the heroic dad lift, grabs all four kids at once.
Slips.
All six of us (me included because I tried to help) end up in the water.
The entire east wing hallway is now a river.
Maids come running with towels, slip, fall, start sliding like penguins.
The butler skates in holding a mop and wipes out spectacularly.
Regulus finally gets everyone out, wrapped in towels, looking like drowned rats.
He's sitting on the wet floor holding all four kids, hair full of bubbles, one rubber duck stuck to his forehead.
He looks at me with the most defeated expression I've ever seen.
"I almost drowned in four feet of water."
The kids are giggling like this was the best day of their lives.
Aiden yells "AGAIN DADDY AGAIN!!"
Regulus just starts laughing.
The broken kind of laugh where you know a man has accepted his fate.
We had to replace the entire east wing carpet.
The duck is still stuck to the ceiling.
Regulus swore off family bath time forever.
He lasted exactly six days.