Location: The Dimensional Colosseum
(The Arena formerly known as The Budokai Tenkaichi... but now the size of a continent)
The roar of the crowd was physical.
It wasn't just human cheering. It was orc grunts, Klingon war cries (wait, wrong crossover, ignore that), demon shrieks, and general fanboy hype.
PRESENT MIC (My Hero Academia): "YEEEEAAAH! ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLEEE?! I am your announcer, Present Mic!"
ANNOUNCER GYRO ZEPPELI (Jojo Part 7): "Nyo-ho! And I'm Gyro Zeppeli! Spin to win, baby!"
PRESENT MIC: "Today's match is a clash of genres! In the Red Corner, the dysfunctional disasterpiece: TEAM KONOSUBA!"
The gate opened.
Aqua walked out, waving to imaginary fans. "Thank you! I am your Goddess! Donate now!"
Megumin was doing chunni poses. "The darkness calls..."
Darkness was breathing heavily, imagining the punishment of defeat.
Kazuma was being dragged by Subaru.
"I don't wanna go!" Kazuma dug his heels into the sand. "They have swords! Magic swords! Swords that turn into petals!"
GYRO: "And in the Blue Corner... the Soul Society's finest! TEAM GOTEI 13!"
Pressure.
Reiatsu slammed into the arena like a gravity hammer.
Three figures walked out in white haori.
Captain Byakuya Kuchiki. (Noble, stoic, terrifying).
Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya. (Ice child, annoyed).
Captain Kenpachi Zaraki. (Smiling like a maniac, bells in hair ringing).
"Kenpachi..." Kazuma whispered. "We are fighting Kenpachi. It's over. Dig my grave. Put 'Here lies trash' on the stone."
Kenpachi saw Darkness. He sensed her durability stat.
"Oho?" Kenpachi grinned. "That blonde one. She looks tough. Can I cut her?"
Darkness blushed crimson. "Cut me? A rough, battle-hardened man... slicing my defenseless body... Yes, please!"
Kenpachi stopped. Even he was confused.
"You... want to be cut? That ruins the fun."
He sheathed his sword. "Pass. Byakuya, you take them. They're weird."
BYAKUYA KUCHIKI vs. KAZUMA SATOU
They stood center stage.
Byakuya looked at Kazuma like one looks at gum on a shoe.
"Pathetic," Byakuya said. "Surrender. I have no wish to execute a commoner."
"Hey!" Kazuma stood up straight. "Don't underestimate me! I am the legendary 'Guy who killed the Demon King'! (Technically)!"
"Hmph." Byakuya dropped his sword vertically.
The ground rippled.
"Scatter... Senbonzakura."
The blade dissolved into a thousand pink petals.
Beauty.
Death.
Kazuma panicked. Think, Kazuma! Think! Swords usually beat thieves! What beats petals?
Wind? Fire? A vacuum cleaner?
He pointed his hand. "Aqua! Do something!"
"God Blow!" Aqua punched the air.
A puff of divine wind hit the petals. The petals... ignored it.
Because it was Aqua.
The petals swarmed Kazuma.
"LURK!"
Kazuma vanished.
The petals shredded the empty air.
Byakuya narrowed his eyes. "Stealth Kido? No... simple trickery."
"I'm over here!"
Kazuma reappeared behind Byakuya.
His hand was glowing green. The Skill: STEAL.
"I'll take your weapon!" Kazuma shouted.
If he stole Senbonzakura hilt, maybe the Bankai would stop!
"STEAL!"
A light flashed.
Kazuma held something in his hand.
It wasn't a sword.
It was a... seaweed snack?
Wait.
It was Byakuya's hair clip. The expensive Kenseikan noble hairpiece.
Byakuya's hair fell loose, blowing majestically in the wind.
The crowd gasped. The female demographic fainted instantly.
[FANSERVICE CRITICAL HIT!]
Kazuma looked at the clip. "What is this trash? Does it have stats?"
Byakuya touched his hair.
His expression shifted from 'Bored' to 'Absolute Zero.'
"You touch my pride?" Byakuya whispered. "You defile the symbol of House Kuchiki?"
The temperature dropped. Toshiro stepped back. "Whoa. Byakuya is actually mad."
"Ban... Kai."
Giant swords rose from the ground around them.
Senbonzakura Kageyoshi.
Millions of blades. Not thousands.
The sky turned pink.
"Oh crap," Kazuma wept.
"Die," Byakuya commanded.
The avalanche of blades crashed down.
Kazuma did the only thing he could.
"DRAIN TOUCH!"
He didn't drain Byakuya.
He drained Subaru Natsuki, who was standing nearby as 'Bait'.
"Why me?!" Subaru screamed as his life force was sucked out to power Kazuma's speed boost.
"Because you respawn!" Kazuma yelled, using Subaru as a mana battery to fuel a frantic digging skill.
Kazuma tunneled underground like a mole.
The petals shredded the arena surface.
Subaru died. (Don't worry, he came back at the save point in the locker room, crying).
Match Result: Kazuma Digs a Hole.
Status: Ongoing Disqualification?
"ENOUGH!" A shout from the stands.
Genryusai Yamamoto stood up. "Byakuya! Stop playing with insects! Finish it!"
Byakuya sighed. "Senkei."
The swords formed a circle of death.
Kazuma popped his head out of the dirt.
"Wait!" Kazuma held up a hand. "I invoke the ancient rule of Isekai Duels!"
"There is no such rule," Byakuya stepped forward.
"Rock Paper Scissors!" Kazuma screamed. "One round! If I win, you surrender! If I lose, you can kill me!"
Byakuya paused. A noble game of chance?
"A duel of fate," Byakuya mused. "Very well. I accept."
"Ready..." Kazuma smirked. My Luck stat is maxed out. I literally cannot lose at luck games.
"Jan..."
"Ken..."
"PON!"
Byakuya threw Scissors (represented by two fingers).
Kazuma threw Rock.
Kazuma won.
Silence.
Byakuya stared at his hand. He stared at Kazuma's rock.
"I... lost?"
Kazuma danced. "Yeah! Take that! Read 'em and weep, noble boy! Trash adventurer wins!"
Byakuya closed his eyes.
The millions of swords vanished.
"A Kuchiki never goes back on his word," Byakuya stated. He turned and walked away. "I concede."
GYRO ZEPPELI: "WHAT?! TEAM GOTEI 13 SURRENDERS?! BECAUSE OF ROCK PAPER SCISSORS?!"
PRESENT MIC: "UNBELIEVABLE! KAZUMA SATOU HAS DEFEATED A SOUL SOCIETY CAPTAIN WITH PURE LUCK AND PETTINESS!"
In the Konosuba locker room:
Subaru respawned. "Did we win?"
Reigen shrugged. "Somehow. But I think I just conned a Shinigami into buying a happiness stone."
INTERLUDE: THE BRACKET UPDATE
While the crowd tried to process the absurdity of Match 1, the screen updated.
NEXT MATCH: NINJA VS PIRATE.
In the tunnels:
Sasuke Uchiha sharpened his sword.
"Pirates," Sasuke scoffed. "Do they even use chakra? Genjutsu will end this in a second."
Naruto Uzumaki tightened his headband. "Don't get cocky, Sasuke! That rubber guy... his energy feels like Kurama's. Wild."
On the other side:
Luffy was eating a giant meat bone.
Zoro was lost in the hallway (again).
Sanji was smoking nervously. "If that pink-haired girl (Sakura) is cute, I can't fight her. You realize that, Moss-Head?"
"Where is Moss-Head?" Luffy asked.
They looked around.
Zoro was gone.
Instead, they found a confused Yamcha.
"Uh," Yamcha scratched his cheek. "I was looking for the bathroom. Did I make the team?"
MATCH 2 START!
Naruto vs Luffy.
Sasuke vs Zoro (who cut through the wall to enter the ring just in time).
Sakura vs Sanji.
"BEGIN!"
Naruto immediately went Sage Mode.
"Shadow Clone Jutsu!"
A thousand Narutos filled the arena.
Luffy laughed.
"Gomu Gomu no... Gatling!"
A thousand fists met a thousand clones.
Poof Poof Poof.
Clouds of smoke everywhere.
"You're fun!" Luffy yelled, bouncing. "Are you a Ninja?"
"I'm the Hokage!" Naruto shouted, forming a Rasengan. "Take this!"
Luffy inflated his belly. Gum-Gum Balloon.
The Rasengan hit the soft rubber belly.
It sank in. It spun. It didn't explode.
Luffy bounced it back.
"Return!"
"What the?!" Naruto dodged his own attack. "Rotation immunity?"
Meanwhile:
Zoro drew three swords.
Sasuke drew his Kusanagi blade. Activated Sharingan.
Clang.
Sparks flew.
"Three swords?" Sasuke analyzed with his Sharingan. "Impractical. How do you aim?"
"I don't aim," Zoro grinned, holding Wado Ichimonji in his mouth. "I just cut."
Santoryu: Oni Giri!
Chidori Stream!
Electricity met steel.
Zoro's Haki coated blades cut through the lightning.
"Haki?" Sasuke's eye spun to Rinnegan. "So, you can bypass energy forms. Interesting. Amaterasu!"
Black flames erupted on Zoro's sword.
"Fire that doesn't go out?" Zoro looked at the blade.
He swung it so fast he created a vacuum tornado.
Tatsu Maki (Dragon Twister).
The vacuum cut the fire away from the sword.
Sasuke blinked. "He... cut the fire off?"
It was a stalemate of pure skill.
Until Sanji...
Sanji looked at Sakura Haruno.
"A lady... with pink hair... healing hands..."
Sanji turned into stone. Literally. Petrified by chivalry.
Heart-eyes pulsing.
"Shanaro!" Sakura punched the stone statue.
Sanji shattered into pebbles.
"WINNER BY KO: SAKURA!"
"Sanji!" Luffy yelled. "Stop flirting and fight!"
"I... regret... nothing..." The pile of pebbles whispered.
THE MAIN EVENT: GOKU VS SAITAMA
Start Time: T-Minus 5 Minutes
The atmosphere shifted.
The fun matches were over.
The comedy stopped.
Goku sat in the lotus position in his waiting room. Vegeta stood by the door.
"Kakarot," Vegeta said seriously. "That bald man... his power has no ceiling. I analyzed the data from your sparring. Every time you pushed, his resistance went to 'Infinity'."
"I know," Goku opened his eyes. Silver glinted in the pupils. "That's why I'm skipping the warmup. No Super Saiyan 1, 2, or 3."
"You're going straight to..."
"God," Goku nodded. "Maybe Blue. Maybe higher."
In the other room:
Saitama was adjusting his gloves.
Genos was running final diagnostics.
"Sensei," Genos said. "Strategy?"
"Punch him," Saitama said.
"If he dodges?"
"Punch faster."
"If he uses energy blasts?"
"Punch the energy."
"Understood. Flawless logic."
King sat in the corner, playing a handheld game.
"Saitama-shi," King said without looking up. "Don't forget the Udon coupon expires on Sunday."
"Right," Saitama stood up. His face wasn't doodle-mode anymore. The shadows deepened. "Let's finish this before dinner."
The gong sounded.
The world shook.
[ROUND 1: THE STRONGEST VS THE STRONGEST]
Both walked out.
The crowd didn't cheer. They were too scared. The air pressure alone was cracking the spectator shields.
"Ready?" Goku asked, assuming his stance. Blue aura erupted, calm and flowing like water. Super Saiyan Blue.
"Yup," Saitama stood there, arms loose.
"BEGIN!"
Goku disappeared.
Not speed. Transmission.
A punch to Saitama's face.
The sound didn't happen for three seconds because the shockwave outran physics.
Saitama didn't move. The fist connected with his cheek.
His cheek rippled.
Saitama looked at Goku.
"Not bad," Saitama said. "That actually woke me up a little."
Goku smiled.
"Good. KAIO-KEN TIMES TWENTY!"
Red aura layered over the blue. The arena floor vaporized.
The clash began. And somewhere, the Universe's Frame Rate dropped to 10 FPS from the sheer particle effects.