There are days that hurt more, there are days that hurt less, sometimes you usually hurt for weeks and sometimes I don't remember you unless I mentioned you.
You hurt me when I need you and you're not there, you hurt when I want to ask you a lot of questions and I realize that you're not there. However, I realize that you weren't always there for me, you didn't see me cry for you every night, wondering if it was enough or if it was good for something, you didn't hug me when I felt that my chest was stinging.
I understood that I miss only an idealization of you, create an image of you that never existed, believe you like that in my mind because that's how I wanted you to be, understanding, affectionate, empathetic, that you are my support in many things.
I think you're going to keep hurting me for a while, until one day I realize that I don't need you anymore, and if fate or whatever decides to put you in my way, it's because you realized your mistakes and don't leave anymore.
I fight every day not to relapse. I want you to stop hurting quickly, I want to stop feeling empty and alone some days no matter how much I am surrounded by many people who do love me.
People who I know won't let me down, and I would love you to be proud of me. However, another lesson I learned, is that that will never happen, I understood, that I myself have to be proud of my achievements, whether they are big or small, I understood that you are not going to change, but I also understood that I do not want you to make me feel empty and insufficient again.
You will always be in my heart, and I repeat, the day will come when I accept that you are not, I want it to be soon so that it stops hurting.
I miss you, the days and hours go by and there are days that I miss you more, there are days that I don't think about you or even weeks, but when you appear in my thoughts it's a I don't know if I should tell him pain, but it's an unpleasant feeling, I don't know if I miss you more or the idealization I made in my mind about you.
I'm not going to deny that I need you, that I just need a hug and that you caress my hair while I'm falling apart in your arms, and feel calm again at least for a few minutes, I'm clinging too much to missing you that I forget the people around me who care about me.
You left me with many negative feelings, distrust, fear of abandonment, that they will change me so easily, fear of being lied to, and so the list goes on, I'm working on each of those feelings yes, I don't always win, but I try, however all those negative feelings are sometimes so strong, that they don't let me sleep at night, they leave me awake for hours thinking and thinking, I try to get out of that labyrinth of those thoughts, because I feel that they beat me and I don't want that to happen again.
I hate the feeling that you left more highlighted of distrust because it is costing me horrors not to have that constant fear of change and jealousy, that anyone can come and change me like that because yes.
They may be wondering, How do you miss someone who made you feel all this? I don't even know the answer, maybe I omitted or didn't want to accept the reality that I was really breaking down to understand you, so much so that I forgot about myself, and to take care of myself first.